Episode 1.
Once we all got over the initial shock of watching GBBO without Mel, Sue and Mary Berry, it actually turned out to be a very decent first show.
The ad breaks were difficult to navigate through. On the one hand, it’s nice to have a pee break, but on the other hand, it allows us time to go rummaging through the kitchen for treats.
Overall, Channel 4’s acquisition of GBBO seems to not actually be a huge disaster.
Here’s six things you might’ve missed last night.
1. Sophie made a massive wang out of icing
It’s a champagne bottle, get your mind out of the gutter! Just kidding, that’s a penis. One of the contestants made a penis cake. Ok fine, I was double bluffing, it’s actually the top half of a champagne bottle. But let’s indulge our immaturity for a moment and call a spade a spade: That looks like a penis. For the showstopper, Sophie presented a suspicious object that was most definitely modelled on a dildo. Nobody had the guts to say it. Noel Fielding alluded to it because he’s a massive lad, but nobody actually came out and said it.
If we’re allowing penises on GBBO, where do we draw the line? Will there be boobs on The Chase? Ball sacks on Loose Women? Bum cheeks on This Morning? The world will descend into irreparable smuttery. We need to make a stand. If someone wants to make a penis out of icing, I say we let them do so, but in the privacy of their own home. We shouldn’t shame them into pretending that it’s an uncorked champagne bottle. It’s 2017, we’re just four years away from being able to marry our dogs. There should be no more icing penises on GBBO.
2. Julia’s facial expressions are going to steal the show this year
Last night, we learned that Siberian contestant Julia enjoys baking whilst she Skypes her grandmother back home. More importantly, we learned that she is going to provide us with some of the most important facial expressions of this year’s GBBO, thereby guaranteeing herself as a viable source of meme content over the coming weeks. Even when her bakes were well received, Julia still looked as though someone had just told her that The Gilmore Girls is doing ANOTHER reboot.
Julia is well on track to becoming the Nadiya of this year’s GBBO and it’s an exciting time. What other faces can she offer up? She’s the Jim Carrey of the baking world. I predict that we’re going to see a minimum of eight concerned faces per baking task and a further five when they’re being judged. That’s at least 13 meme-worthy faces and guaranteed 1k RT’d tweets at our disposal per episode. On behalf of #content #creators everywhere, I’d like to pass on my heartfelt thanks to Julia for taking part in this year’s show.
3. Stacey’s son is a master of sarcasm
During the introductory segment of the show where we get to see what everyone’s first bake is, along with a quick backstory of their home life, Stacey’s son stole the motherheckin’ show. There was a heartwarming montage of her family sitting down to a delicious home-cooked meal together. They were smiling and joking as they tucked into what appeared to be some bread and broth. Then, out of nowhere, her youngest son (Ethan), cut through the voiceover to deliver what many would consider to be The Most Sarcastic Line Of 2017.
Ethan sarcastically blurts out “Thank you, a pleasure,” which is presumably in relation to the meal that has been placed before him. You’d be forgiven for missing this quality piece of showmanship last night as it was a very brief moment of perfection. He’s only young, so to have such a stern grasp of sarcasm at that age is truly remarkable. Stacey needn’t win GBBO this year. She’s got all the moneymaking exploits she needs sitting right at home. Watch out for Ethan, he’s going to take over the comedy world in the next few years.
4. We’re only one episode in and Liam has already won by a landslide
We were treated to a glimpse of Liam’s home life during last night’s show, where we got to see how he often treats his nephews with some of his baked delights. What ensued was a brief moment of television that frankly shouldn’t have been allowed to be broadcast pre-watershed. As you’ll see above, Liam appears to have taken a large mason jar, filled it with ice cream and chocolate sauce, then topped it with alternating layers of brownies and cookies, along with some whipped cream.
At this point during the transmission, I emitted what can only be described as a most unbecoming noise. I wanted that monstrosity in and around my mouth immediately. What we’re looking at is a very blatant winner emerging in week one. Liam clearly has the baking finesse that is required to be the GBBO winner 2017. His knowledge of pairing baked goods together to result in a heart attack is exactly what I wanted to see on my television screen. Pack everything away, he has won. Liam is our GBBO champion.
5. Yan’s goalkeeper is about as useful as a condom for hedgehogs
We learned that Yan spends her weekends playing football and were then treated to a quick kick around between herself and an inexperienced goalkeeper who appears to have been drafted in for the occasion. Although this is a baking show, it’s still important that we take everything into consideration and have an open mind about it all. That being said, Yan’s goalkeeper is utter shite. They’re never going to win a game with him guarding the net and that’s just the harsh truth, I’m afraid to inform you.
His technique is appalling. He was on the ground before she’d even kicked the ball. He made a half-assed attempt to reach over to the other side, but there was nothing he could do. He picked a side far too early on and limited his reach by hitting the pitch. It’s a poor effort and one that is sure to cost the team during some important matches. Yan scored a belter of a goal partly because the goalie is utter pants and also because she appears to have a strong right foot. I don’t care who wins GBBO anymore, I want that man benched immediately.
6. The cake shown during the opening sequence STILL has unevenly distributed raspberries
Surely in the handover from the BBC to Channel 4, someone would’ve taken a quick look at the opening sequence and noticed that the chocolate cake is STILL missing at least two raspberries. We’re eight series deep into the show and it’s mind-boggling to think that nobody on the GBBO production team has noticed this massive oversight. It’s something that’s irked me and countless others from day one. If this eyesore has just been brought to your attention for the first time, I apologise for the ensuing grimace every time you see the above image from now on.
We need to ask ourselves: who made the cake? Presumably a professional baker since the show is about people showing off their impressive baking skills. Everything else runs smoothly during the opening sequence. An egg is cracked perfectly into a bowl without any shell residue; the scones are evenly dusted with sugar, proving that protocol has very clearly been followed in every other aspect. So what happened with the raspberries? Did they run out? Evidently so. Then why not position the gaps beneath the GBBO logo? Or space them all out more? Perhaps they should reshoot and employ a set dresser that cares. There, I said it.
Images via Channel 4
