Week 6 – Pastry
*BBC Newsnight voice* Good evening. The headlines: Last night’s GBBO saw the contestants tackle the notoriously difficult task of making pastry. The latest figures show zero fatalities as of yet.
They battled all manner of obstacles, such as butter going soft too quickly, dough not coming together, ovens being insufficiently heated and Paul aggressively offering handshakes to all that made eye contact with him.
It was another wholly entertaining episode of GBBO, much to the delight of the nation.
Here’s six moments that were so funny, they’re almost worth revisiting.
1. Noel Fielding revealed that he cannot juggle for shit
During a quirky piece to camera, Noel decided that juggling eggs would be a good way to distract the viewers from their impending mortality. Inevitably, one of the eggs cracked on the floor because Noel Fielding is many things, but he is not a professional clown. Not yet. Rather than cleaning it up or alerting the floor manager to his mistake, Noel simply put a mixing bowl over the broken egg and confidently walked away. In terms of countdown announcements, this was one of the best ones this series. That is now the level of baking-themed sketch comedy to beat.
2. Kim-Joy tried to cheat on her maths test using cleverly decorated samosas
Maths exams just got 104% easier thanks to Kim-Joy’s genius plan. She has written the Pythagorean theorem on her samosas which she will then ingest throughout the course of the test, thereby destroying all evidence and walking away with a very decent result – a good grade and a full belly. Kim-Joy is a genius and we must induct her into the Genius GBBO Contestant Hall Of Fame, which has but one other member, the guy that made an entire lion out of bread.
3. The ‘Prue Pounce’ was debuted to an unsuspecting Rahul and he bloody loved it
Forget the Hollywood Handshake, it has been cancelled. Everyone’s talking about the Prue Pounce today, as well they should be. Rahul’s samosas were so exceptionally good, they caused Prue to pounce on him in a very aggressive but reassuring manner. Rahul visibly enjoyed the encounter, which involved two hands touching his awkwardly clasped wrists. A Hollywood Handshake followed, but nobody cares about them anymore because they’re more common than poop after a coffee.
4. Jon necked a load of egg whites, unprompted, because he is An Absolute Madman
After separating a large amount of eggs, Jon reminded viewers at home that it’s a shame to see egg whites going to waste, especially since they contain so much protein, and then he necked the entire jug of egg whites. Jon, The Absolute Madman, then said it reminded him of Rocky, which it does, except he is a Dad who is baking in a tent to win some kind of trophy and book deal, without any real nutritional or performance needs to consume raw egg whites. This show has lost its goddamn mind and now we are truly fucking living.
5. Jon used a toilet brush to separate his meat, so that’s terrific
This is not a euphemism. Jon, The Absolute Madman, continued his tirade in the GBBO tent last night by stirring his meat with a toilet brush. Although he insisted that it was a legitimate kitchen utensil, it doesn’t take a trained eye to recognise that in his hand sits a toilet brush, with the bristles cut off for hygiene reasons. Baking is a funny old game, with people employing the strangest of techniques to achieve their intended finish. Jon uses a toilet brush, Rahul uses fear and Manon uses her distinct advantage of being a French person. It’s all to play for, folks.
6. Prue necked some port because she is An Absolute Madwoman, also standing next to Paul Hollywood all day is a lot to deal with
Briony’s showstopper came with a decorative bottle of port, which Prue necked because she is, through and through, An Absolute Madwoman. Paul, Noel and Sandi stood by in awe as Prue downed the entire bottle, then aggressively wiped her mouth on her sleeve and started spitting some home truths about the GBBO franchise. She called Paul the C-word and then started eating the contestants’ showstoppers with her hands, pulling chunks of pastry off their workstations like Cheestrings. In what is sure to be a complete coincidence, Briony was then crowned star baker this week. Touché.
Images via Channel 4
