Week 6 – Desserts!
Big night in the GBBO tent last night, wasn’t it? The bakers had to tackle the notoriously difficult task of making desserts, which as we all know is ‘stressed’ spelled backwards and an anagram of ‘Ed’s rests’, whatever that means.
Still, they gave it their all. Henry dressed up for the occasion for a change, Noel looked like the human embodiment of a Mario Kart track and Prue changed her glasses to match her outfit again because she very clearly has an incredibly savvy 2-for-1 deal in motion.
Ultimately, things weren’t the same without our favourite goth in the tent, but we made do because we are survivors.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s GBBO.
1. Henry wore a spooky brooch in tribute to Helana and a Welsh flag to represent Michelle, who barely mentioned her nationality
Rather than fully committing to the tribute by wearing all black, smoking rollies, drinking Monster Energy and reading Kerrang!, Henry went for the minimalist route and wore a spider’s web brooch to honour last week’s departed baker, Helena. It was a touching nod to the nation’s second favourite goth, one that was just the right amount of spooky and scary. To complete the outfit, Henry added a Welsh flag for Michelle and continued to dress like a young toddler who’s been given the very special job of handing out hymn sheets at his cousin’s wedding so as to keep him out of the way.
2. Noel and Sandi gave an accurate depiction of what it would be like if they were at your front door
The doorbell rings, it’s a cold October evening. You look through the peephole. It’s your new neighbours who keep getting bouncy castles during winter and play Fleetwood Mac too loud at night. One of them rides an adult scooter and the other one never wears shoes. They’re not from around here. There’s rumours going around that they are siblings whose parents died in a suspicious kayaking accident twelve years ago. The doorbell rings again, they can definitely see you through the peephole. They’re moving closer. The tall man has got an electric whisk behind his back. You lock the door and phone the police. The small lady’s phone rings. She is the police. You are under arrest for being a shitty neighbour.
3. The bakers showed us the correct way to act when you’re fifteen minutes early for work and almost at the office
The average workday is a jester’s game. The only way you can win is by arriving exactly at your start time, taking a full hour for lunch and leaving exactly when it hits 6pm. That’s the only defence you have in this one-sided game. If you find yourself in the vicinity of work at 8.45am, you must resist the temptation to get in early and settle down for the day. No. That’s how they get you. Instead, you must walk painfully slow towards the building to run down the clock. Take the stairs rather than the lift, stop for a while to scroll through Instagram, take a deep breath, file your tax returns. Never let them win. You are in charge of your own destiny.
4. In tribute to Helena, Michael incorporated human blood into his baking
Henry went with a classic spider brooch, while Michael opted for a large quantity of human blood to pay tribute to our departed goth, Helena. It was a touching move and one that she’s sure to have appreciated as she watched GBBO from the comfort of her bat-infested cave in complete darkness, with nothing but the TV illuminating her fixed gaze on the screen. Helena would’ve snacked on the bats for sustenance throughout the show, then regurgitated the remains and fed them to her black cat. In the corner, her husband dabbled with potions and spells until the show ended. Then they went to sleep in their upright coffins, eyes wide open the entire time. Happy Halloween.
5. Paul and Prue were very disappointed to hear you thundering through the door this morning at 5am, again
Not the first time this week you’ve gotten in at the same time as sunrise, is it? Your Mum and I are worried, that’s all. We know you’ve been given a formal warning at work for taking the piss with your break times, and your bank overdraft just keeps getting bigger. You’re not looking after yourself either. Chicken dippers don’t constitute as a proper meal, nor do the pre-drinks that you wash them down with. We’re going to need to see some changes around here, or you’ll be turfed out on your ear. We don’t care that you’re seven years old. It’s time for you to grow up and become a proper adult who handles their responsibilities. Now get out of our sight. By the way, we’re having lasagne for tea.
6. Steph proved beyond reasonable doubt that she would be a fucking terrible spy
Noel and David were having a casual chat about Steph’s chances of being crowned star baker for the third time on GBBO. Fully aware that he was within earshot of Steph and also being recorded at all times for television, David put on an impressive act of support for his fellow competitor, insisting that he would love to see her triumph over himself, like all good liars should. Then Steph burst into the frame, very blatantly earwigging the conversation and in the process, ruled herself out of being the next Bond. It’s a huge pity, but spies need to be subtle and also cannot take part in reality TV shows. Shame, the tagline ‘Baken, not stirred’ really would’ve slapped.
Images via Channel 4
