Day 40
The worst part about storming Area 51 is going to be when we have to explain to the aliens what Love Island is and why we’re all watching it.
Last night’s show saw a reptile invasion in the villa, in the form of one gigantic snake named Michael Griffiths.
As the prophecy foretold, Michael has now realised that he’s probably going to get dumped from the island if he doesn’t couple up with someone, so has conveniently decided that he actually still fancies Amber.
The circus is missing one of its finest acts but will have its star clown back by tonight, all going well at the re-coupling ceremony. We wait in hope.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island
1. Michael earned the title of ‘Dumbest Phrase Used This Series’ with an absolute belter
Going to stay until you leave, is it Michael? So basically Newton’s First Law motion, isn’t it Michael? An object will remain at rest unless acted on by an external force. Inertia, essentially. You know, the thing that allows magicians to rip a tablecloth out from under a fully set table while leaving all of the objects intact (if he/she does it with enough force). Nice one, Michael. Thanks for plagiarising Sir Isaac Newton and trying to pass it off as your own theory. Excited to hear you announce tomorrow that E=MC2, or that Christmas has become too commercial. OF COURSE YOU’RE GOING TO STAY UNTIL YOU LEAVE, MICHAEL, THAT IS HOW BEING SOMEWHERE WORKS. GET A CLUE.
2. Ovie and India’s flirting was interrupted by the moon watching over them, seemingly giving its official blessing of their potential love story
While Ovie and India were busy flirting to within an inch of their precious lives, they were distracted by the presence of the moon watching over them, high up in the sky. We’re coming up on the 50th anniversary of the moon landing, which makes this particular eclipse very special. There was a magnificent shot of the moon and if you looked closely, it appeared to give an open-mouthed wink at the couple, thereby imparting its blessing of their burgeoning connection. As with any young couple, the approval of the moon must be sought before even so much as a peck on the cheek. It’s refreshing to see Ovie and India operating with the utmost respect to this important tradition.
3. Michael used to some kind of wooden lid to flatten down his toasted cheese sandwich because he is a social deviant
Whenever you’re ready to rejoin the human race, Michael, we’re more than willing to welcome you back with open arms. Ever since Casa Amor happened, Michael has descended into an unlikeable villain, giving up his lifelong subscription to banter and instead channelling it into unwarranted rage directed towards Amber. After he confessed to still liking her last night, it seemed as though things might get back on track for Michael. But then he used some kind of weighted wooden lid to press down a cheese toastie immediately afterwards and all hope was lost in that very moment. Michael’s gone. His head has left his body. Mallorca has him now. Godspeed.
4. Greg consistently called Michael the wrong name because his thirst for low-level shade is world class
Greg hit the ground running during his first few minutes of airtime the night before last when he referred to Michael as ‘Mike’, then every other time he spoke to or about the guy. It’s a delicious plan of attack whereby he’s invited himself to give Michael a nickname before he even knows him, leaving Michael in an awkward position where he’s going to have to come across as a massive bellend if he ever corrects Greg by saying “Actually, it’s Michael”. Greg then put things into a higher gear yesterday morning when he greeted Michael with a jovial “Morning, Mick”, altering the already-established nickname of Mike, to Mick. Honestly, this is a mastermind at work and we are honoured to be witnessing it.
5. Jordan put in a very decent time trial for the olympic gymnastics portion of Tokyo 2020
Man like Jordan coming out here and obliterating the wrecking ball purely for sport. Look at him. Look at his physique. Look at his form. Jordan is upside down, using nothing but his forearms for support, covered in cement and wearing a gravity-defying hardhat. This is beyond what was expected of any Love Island contestant during last night’s construction site challenge. This is a man that wants to soar when his shelf life as an influencer expires some time next year. We’re going to see Jordan at Tokyo 2020 and we’re all going to eat our collective hats. He’ll score 10s across the board. Anna will be cheering him on from the sidelines. Anton will also be there but looking at the women’s gymnastics final instead.
6. Ovie and India did ‘The Wheelbarrow’, which was a Love Island first
Oh, you’ve haven’t heard of The Wheelbarrow, you absolute fridget? Not to worry, one day you’ll be allowed to watch 18-rated movies and fraternise with the object of your affections. ‘The Wheelbarrow’ is a completely desexualised act which involves a 6ft 7in basketball player picking up the girl he fancies who’s sitting in a wheelbarrow at the time. He carries her around for a little while, mostly to flex his athleticism on his fellow islanders, then gently sets her back down on the ground. It’s an act often engaged in by two people that are in love, both fully consenting to the task and communicating with each other throughout. Try it yourself – do ‘The Wheelbarrow’ today and earn your place as A Buff Legend*.
*results may vary, always ask the wheelbarrow owner’s permission.
Images via ITV
