Day 42
We’re hitting the final stretch of Love Island 2019 and it feels right.
Next week, our winners are going to be crowned and we’ll instantly forget everything about them, as is the traditional arc of a Love Island cycle.
So let’s savour this week, yeah? Let’s hold off on the “Who cares?” comments just this once, as a treat. Approximately 3 million saddos tune into episode and we cannot be wrong.
Last night’s Love Island saw Michael’s inevitable demise as he finally had to bid the villa adieu. It was delicious viewing from start to finish.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. Anton ruined what was otherwise a very special moment between Chris and New Girl #4
Imagine you’re in a nightclub. You’ve been eyeing someone up for most of the evening, truly believing that you’ve been subtle but in reality you’re coming across a bit weird. Regardless, the person approaches. You make light conversation, asking standard things like “How would you like to die?” and “Why do farts smell so much worse when you do them in the shower?”. Some drinks are purchased, a smidge of dancing takes place.
Then you start kissing and it is a fun time for all involved. You open your eyes for the briefest of seconds, mainly to ensure that none of your friends are filming this special moment. They’re not, but you lock eyes with Anton across the dance floor. He’s just standing there, body facing forwards, head turned back to look at you. Now it feels like you’re kissing Anton. It’s different, but you kind of like it? He disappears into the crowd. You never see him again, but you also never forget this night. Sleep well!
2. When Amber learned that Jordan was going to ask Anna to be his girlfriend, she threw herself on the ground but no one noticed or offered to help her back up
In the ultimate act of excitement for her friend, Amber threw herself backwards onto the grubby villa floor and scurried around like a beetle that had been knocked over on its back and can’t get back up. Amber received no help from her fellow islanders in getting back onto her feet, instead having to pick herself back up like a toddler who’s been tempted with sweets midway through a tantrum. Not even Greg, her current partner, noticed that Amber had essentially collapsed under the weight of knowledge that her friend would soon be in an official reality television relationship. What can we take away from this act of amateur dramatics? These islanders don’t care about anything more than they care about gossip and eating toast. Be warned.
3. There! Was! Cake! In! The! Fridge! But! Why!
The only birthday we’ve seen televised so far was Anna and that was on 8th July. So here is what has happened: Either that cake has been festering in the Love Island fridge amidst the hot Mallorcan sun for two weeks, or there has been a secret birthday that we don’t know about, OR they just get cake willy nilly in the villa. The worst part about Love Island is that we never get to see what they eat for lunch and dinner. You can practically smell the tuna salad that Curtis has every day without fail, but what about the rest of them? Who’s a vegetarian? Who’s gluten intolerant? Who shouldn’t have dairy but still does because they like to live dangerously? WHO’S ORDERING AN ENTIRE BIRTHDAY CAKE ON THE SHOPPING LIST FOR SPORT? (Ovie).
4. Curtis and Maura had to pick oranges on their date, despite there being an abundance of oranges waiting for them at the designated juicing area
Just a complete waste of time really, wasn’t it? Sending two people off gathering oranges in a wicker basket only to discover that there was no fewer than 100 oranges tastefully dotted around the picnic bench upon which the pair then proceeded to make some juice. It seemed like a lot of pageantry with very little payoff, other than giving Curtis the opportunity to show that he can sometimes juggle, if the wind is very calm and he can have a couple of practice runs first. There was simply no need for Curtis and Maura to pick oranges. The dates on Love Island have been absolutely dog shit this year. Most of the time they just sit in the front yard on a couple of picnic chairs. It’s weak. Let them go to the cinema or to an actual restaurant. Let them play crazy golf. Let them have a Five Guys and get diarrhoea immediately afterwards. LET THEM LIVE.
5. Maura revealed that she cannot, under any circumstances whatsoever, whisper
When the islanders were cruelly tasked with choosing which couple should be sent home, they all paired off on the couches around the fire pit and discussed who they hate the most. Each of the couples were reasonably subtle in their discussions, except for Curtis and Maura. Curtis can whisper, Maura cannot. She can slightly lower the tone of her voice, but it just comes out at the same volume as when she’s speaking in a normal conversation. Curtis was audibly lowering his voice in a bid to drag hers down, but Maura stubbornly resisted. Much in the same way that some people aren’t double-jointed, or cannot remember to use their indicator while driving, Maura Higgins cannot whisper. This rules her out of future work as a librarian or Chinese Whispers champion.
6. Michael boldly took Amber for a chat when she was dressed as a green screen, resulting in the inevitable…
It was a bold move on Michael’s part to pull Amber for a chat last night, mainly for two reasons. Firstly, how dare he. Secondly, she was basically dressed as a giant green screen, meaning the meme potential was off the charts. Nevertheless, he persisted, giving everything shy of an apology to Amber, which she richly deserved. Perhaps they will reunite when they leave the villa, or maybe they will block each other on all forms of social media, never to speak again. Either way, I hope that Michael knew deep down, on some level, that someone would Photoshop the meme of him calling Amber childish onto her dress as she sat opposite him, thereby making it seem as though Michael was calling himself childish. Godspeed, Michael. Take care, sweet prince.
Images via ITV
