Day 15
“Did you see Love Island last night?” is the only acceptable work conversation this summer. No more, no less.
Although this year’s series is incredibly dry and slow moving, we as a nation must persevere because frankly there’s nothing better to do until the weather picks up.
Last night’s episode was especially grim, with nothing memorable happening aside from Jordan’s bananas hairstyle.
Still, here’s six dumb things you might have missed during last night’s show.
1. Tommy added milk to green tea because he continues to be a parody of a functioning adult
The course of love never did run smooth, which is particularly true in the case of young Tom Fury who has been trying for two weeks now to successfully make a cup of tea for his lady. Molly-Mae’s preferred brewing method isn’t overly difficult, it simply requires boiling hot water being poured over a green teabag. No more, no less. She’s a simple girl when it comes to tea. But Tommy has, to date, tried to make it with cold water on multiple occasions and now for some reason decided to add milk to green tea. The man is a menace to society. Kind and thoughtful gestures are an essential part of every relationship, but Tommy is just one green tea / coffee / muggy dishwater hybrid away from losing Molly-Mae forever. Step it up, champ.
2. Jordan doused himself with drinking water rather than getting into THE GIANT SWIMMING POOL BEHIND HIM
Yeah nice one Jordan, cool yourself down in very tiny increments using presumably filtered and safe drinking water rather than, oh I don’t know, say, hopping into the giant and empty swimming pool that’s immediately behind you? Nah, better off wasting water. It’s probably an infinite resource anyway. A very cool and effective way to impress girls is to be stupid, so Jordan is really onto something here. Anna gazed lovingly into his eyes as he effectively put ‘Google’ into the Google search engine. Still, romance can spark from many situations. For example, Romeo and Juliet’s double suicide wasn’t half as dumb as this scenario, whereby Anna is falling in love with a man who actively wastes water.
3. Lucy got Schruted
No real joke here to be honest. Just thought Lucy wearing a face mask looked a bit like Dwight from The Office when he cut the face off that CPR dummy and decided to wear it. What an incredible piece of television. Gun to your head, if you had to pick a show to watch every day for the rest of your life, are you picking The Office (US) or Love Island? Personally I’d pick The Office because it is flawless. Love Island is utter garbage but at the same time it’s important to track the demise of humanity in real time. Anyway, good talk!
4. Jordan somehow managed to pull despite looking like mid-90s era Scary Spice
“At least you’re a good kisser, thank fuck”, Anna said after her and Jordan engaged in a particularly steamy kissing session on the floating couch. They’ve only known each other for a couple of days, but seem to have an unbreakable connection that can withstand any obstacle thrown their way. Case in point, for some reason Jordan’s hair had been fashioned into a 90s Scary Spice style, a topical reference given the success of their current reunion tour. It transpired that Anna herself had done Jordan’s hair, which he decided to keep firmly in place during their first kiss on national television for the entire United Kingdom to see. If Jordan can pull looking like Scary Spice, you can tell your crush you like them. Love Island permits it.
5. Lucie went to bed looking like a disgruntled chimney sweep
Yes it’s probably fake tan that simply needs to be washed off in the morning, but as always, let’s not allow undeniable logic to get in the way of having a fun time. Lucie went to bed last night looking like a disgruntled chimney sweep who’s just been docked two shillings from her wages for not cleaning a chimney to the customer’s satisfaction. She’s been complaining of asthma and respiratory problems due to her line of work, but her boss is an unforgiving man. He wants 35 chimneys swept per day or he’s not paying her wages. In protest, Lucie quit her job, refused to bathe before bed and will wake up in the morning dirty, ashamed and eager to grovel for her job back because she needs the money to buy penny sweets and boiled potatoes.
6. Tommy told Molly-Mae about the size of his Hannah Montana DVD collection
Now entering a crucial stage of their relationship, Tommy and Molly-Mae decided to take the next step last night under the covers and with sexy whispers. All we know is that Molly-Mae said “It’s f***ing huge”, which means Tommy has shared tender information about the volume of his Hannah Montana DVD collection. He’s rumoured to have every season on boxset, along with seven feature releases, totalling over 100 hours of Hannah Montana footage. It’s an impressive collection and one Molly-Mae would be lucky to get to enjoy with Tommy. They may have gotten off to a rocky start, but with intimate information such as this being shared, it seems like Tommy and Molly-Mae are going to go all the way to the Love Island final.
Images via ITV
