Episode 34.
What a spectacle we got to behold last night. Truly, we have reached peak televisual entertainment and we need to start preparing ourselves for the eventual realisation that nothing will ever beat this year’s Love Island.
Last night, Muggy Mike and Sunburnt Sam settled back into island life, Chris spent the day in bed, Tyla made a disgrace of herself eating an ice cream and the boys performed some raunchy dances for the girls, among other noteworthy occurrences.
Here’s six essential things you might’ve failed to notice.
1. Muggy Mike has a very itchy nose
Muggy Mike got about ten seconds of airtime at the beginning of last night’s show and, I shit you not, he scratched his nose three times in that very short space of time. As he was walking towards the islanders to get welcomed back into the villa, he gave it two quick swipes, then when himself and Sam were in the Love Island equivalent of the diary room, he gave it a good old scratch again. Some might choose not to look into such a of trivial action, but I am choosing to look deeply into it because I haven’t a lot going on right now.
I believe that his nose scratching signifies one of two things. The first is that he’s sending some kind of message to the outside world, perhaps letting everyone know that he absolutely went to town on Jess that night. The other possibility is that he has a nervous twitch, similar to Jonny’s blinking issue. When Mike feels slightly uncomfortable, he gives his non-itchy nose a quick rub to appear very comfortable with a situation, prompting people to think ‘Goodness, this man must feel truly at ease because he is thoughtlessly itching himself for all to see’. Either way, something’s up. I can smell it.
2. HANG ON A SECOND, THEY’VE GOT A FUCKING JACUZZI IN THERE!!
We are 34 episodes into this televisual feat and only now it’s been revealed that these chumps have a fucking jacuzzi at their disposal in that other-worldly villa. Maybe I’ve been watching the show with my eyes closed these past few weeks, but I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen a single shot of that glorious hot tub before now. There’s just no way some of these randy kids haven’t had their way in it yet. No goddamn way. Where the fuck did this jacuzzi come from?
Maybe it’s a new fixture, or maybe it’s simply too hot for the islanders to use it during the day and they don’t fancy hopping in at night? Actually, fuck this. I’m not going to make excuses for them. I’m angry. The only thing I ask of Love Island is complete transparency at all times. If there’s been a jacuzzi in the villa all this time, I should’ve known about it. Did someone blow their load in it on the first day so it’s just sat stagnant ever since? Excuse the profanity, but in that circumstance alone, I’ll allow the cover up.
3. Tyla doesn’t know how to eat a Twister
After an eventful evening, Tyla and Olivia decided to treat themselves to a Twister each, and that’s very hard to argue with because it’s a solid 10/10 choice of ice cream. The pair were chomping away on their icy treats whilst chatting to Georgia about who has had the most severe yeast infection, when my eyes were drawn to Tyla’s ice pop. I audibly gasped and had to rewind the television (yes, my television has a rewind function and I refuse to hide my good fortune). Look at the fucking state of Tyla’s Twister above.
For comparison, you’ll notice that Olivia is doing an excellent job of consuming her ice cream. She’s strategically going around the sides for an even melt, whilst also enjoying the sensation of the peaks and troughs that this revolutionary treat offers up. Tyla, on the other hand, appears to have been eating her ice cream with a shovel and the aid of a blind man. How the fuck has she managed to get the sturdy green part to stand upright like that? Jesus fucking Christ can we please get that melt off the island immediately for she is blatantly scum.
4. Sam still fries like a battered sausage in the sun
My only memory of Sam’s first tenure on Love Island is his strange little face being eternally roasted from the sun. Either he doesn’t apply suncream to his face or the kid isn’t using a sufficient factor of protection. Every time he was talking to the camera, I’d feel a wave of panic come over me as I notice that his forehead, cheeks and nose had turned the colour of ketchup. Well, it is with a heavy heart that I must report that Sam is very much back at it again with the red face.
He’s been in the villa a wet minute and the man is positively scalded again. It’s reminiscent of Craig (gone but not forgotten xxx) who was simply not built to withstand the harsh terrain of the Majorcan sun. Sam, I am pleading with you as a concerned citizen, please wear a hat so that your face will be covered from the harsh rays of the sun. You can continue to look like the guy from Crazy Town, but now your face will be a more wholesome shade of flesh.
5. MIKE WAXES HIS ARMS AHAHAHAHA
Muggy Mike was having a quick little ‘stick it on’ Tyla when they engaged in some general chitchat. We’ve all been there, asking a potential love interest if they wax their chest and arm hair, when Mike revealed that yes, he does indeed wax his arms. Why is this psychologically so funny? Folks, if I could explain that I would not be working for JOE. It just fucking is. Muggy Mike waxes his arms. Every couple of weeks, that man puts a waxing strip on his arms multiple times and rips it off along with his Muggy Mike hair.
What are the benefits of waxing your arms? Approximately zero. Also, we need to remind ourselves that Mike is from the UK, a place where there are roughly four days a year that you can wear something sleeveless. Yet he hasn’t specifically waxed his arms for the trip to Love Island, this is an ongoing thing. Mike, mate, this is unnecessary. Arm hair isn’t particularly something that perturbs girls. Robin Williams was more hair than man and he remains to this day a worldwide treasure. Chill your beans.
6. Theo has skid marks
Things got very raunchy towards the end of last night’s show, when viewers were basically treated to soft porn. The boys performed sexy dances for the girls, while their heart rates were measured to see who got their pulses racing the most. A large portion of this spectacle was deeply unsettling, but there was one gentleman who caught my eye. Theo, as he was resting his balls in and around Gabby’s face, revealed that he had the faintest trace of skid marks on his pants. If you look right at the crack area, you too will see it.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here. Those skid marks might not be fresh. We could find ourselves in a situation where Theo has produced some skidders in the past which failed to be removed completely in the wash. Regardless, I know what I’m seeing. There is an undeniable trace of skid marks visible above. Theo should not have worn his white knickers on this particular occasion. He is a foolish man and it is for this reason I would like him to respectfully gather his belongings and leave the island promptly.
All images via ITV
