This is Ten Random Questions, where we put ten randomly selected questions to a famous and/or interesting person. It’s pretty self-explanatory, really.
Joining us this time is presenter and comedian Shaun Keaveny, whose new podcast Shaun Keaveny’s Show & Tell is available now on Spotify.
What is something that makes you say: ‘How is this still a thing?’
I tell you what genuinely makes me say that: how are crackly phone lines still a thing?
It’s 21st fucking century here and I simply don’t understand it. I can have a crystal clear picture of my friend in New Zealand on my laptop and it’s like they’re in the same room, but if you phone somebody up it’s like the 18th century. It’s like Alexander Graham Bell or something. I just don’t understand why. Sort it out, BT!
Are you socks on or socks off in your own home?
I am all about socks, I’m a bit of a foot fetishist in that regard, but when it comes to my house, I think I have to be naked foot on wooden floor.
What is the most overrated fruit or vegetable?
Fucking avocados. I absolutely despise avocados. I’m considering buying some kind of cannon and buying big sack-fulls of the things and firing them at a neighbour’s wall.
I’m having a ’90s themed fancy dress party and guess what Shaun, you’re invited! Who are you coming as.
Matt Everitt from Menswear. Definitely, because I work with him and I love to spend as much time as possible decrying his musical pedigree, so I think it’ll be nice to go dressed as Matt Everitt from Menswear.
Partially because he’s quite smart and I’m very slovenly, so just for one day I would like to smarten up and dress like a mod. Either that or the lead singer of the Crash Test Dummies. One or the other.
How many dogs is too many dogs?
One.
Really?
Yeah. I have no time for dogs. I have fuck-all time for dogs. I don’t despise dogs, I don’t go around kicking dogs or anything. In this bizarre country where we live – the United Kingdom – people seem to care more about animals than about people, which has always seemed a bit odd to me.
I like dogs, we’ve had dogs in the past, but I’ve got two kids. I don’t understand how anybody who’s got any time to look after… It’s like, ‘My life’s incredibly difficult and logistically impossible, what should I do? I’ll buy a fucking dog, and have to work out when to feed them and take them out to poo three times a day, on top of everything else I’ve got to do. No!
If you could take a million pounds from one person and give it to another, who would those two people be?
Donald Trump and any passing nurse or junior doctor. A pretty right-on and obvious thing to say, but it’s also true.
When was the last time you deliberately destroyed something?
I smashed a mandolin up once after an argument. That was pretty epic. It wasn’t a particularly good mandolin. I went through this profligate period of spending about eight or nine years ago. Just before the full bite of expensive children kicked in, I had some disposable income, and I went and bought two mandolins.
I gave one to a friend and then, as I say, after a particularly heated argument with somebody who shall remain nameless, I just dashed it against a wall and into matchwood. I felt a bit like Pete Townshend at his height of The Who madness, but it’s not quite as dramatic when you’re not using a Gibson Les Paul but you’re using a tiny little mandolin.
Is there anybody that you really admire for completely the wrong reasons?
I admire my brother for many laudable and understandable reasons, but the thing I most admire about him is his ability to say ‘no’. I can’t say no to people and he is really good at it, and consequently his life is, I say on reflection, better, more comfortable than mine.
I think it’s very important to in life to get to a point when you can say, politely and firmly, ’I don’t want to do that, thank you very much,’ and I’ve not got there yet.
Which job are you certain you’d absolutely suck at?
PA. That’s the number one job that Shaun Keaveny would suck at. Personal assistant or secretary. I have got fuck-all, zero, nada organisation skills. I’m constantly getting in trouble with people because i’ve double booked myself. I would be the world’s worst PA.
When was the last time you were genuinely confused?
I can, with some certainty and honesty say, about 11 or 12 minutes ago when I tried to call this number and input the code, and I got it wrong three times, and then I had to get in contact with my agent in case they’d given me the wrong code, then I tried it again and I got it right.
I think one of the ultimate conclusions that I’ve come to is that I really need to go to the opticians very soon. My eyes are absolutely buggered.
Shaun Keaveny’s Show & Tell is available now on Spotify.
