Week 7 – Urban Gardening
Britain, they have done it again. The Apprentice candidates have given us another instalment of cringe like their lives depended on it.
Last night’s task saw the candidates tackling the world of urban gardening, which is just like regular gardening except it involves a smidge of graffiti and also you must have an ASBO to do it.
As ever, the uncomfortable moments didn’t stop coming from the moment the show began, right up until it finished.
Here’s 9 moments that were so profoundly cringe, Ed Sheeran is currently penning the lyrics for a Christmas song about them.
1. Camilla struggled to jot down her notes because she was dressed as A GIANT SUNFLOWER
Given that the task involved urban gardening, Camilla dressed as a giant (and potted) sunflower at a time that felt far too early in the process for that to happen. They hadn’t even gotten in the car and she was already blocking camera angles with her neon yellow petals and struggling to take notes thanks to the chunky green gloves that, credit where it’s due, really tied the whole costume together. Every year, always, without doubt, there will be an endless supply of dumb costumes on The Apprentice. In the real business world, nobody ever dresses like a giant sanitary pad. The show is a farce.
2. Kayode tried to subtly audition for the role of the sun on the Teletubbies
Rather than going for the full costume like Camilla did, Kayode brought a sense of professionalism to proceedings by wearing just the flower part of the outfit as he went to meet with potential clients, at least that’s what he wanted people to think. But the jig is up, Kayode. It’s pretty obvious what you’re doing here. Remember the Teletubbies? Remember the adorable babyfaced sun that lit up the skies? Yeah. Kayode is a businessman. He’s thinking about the future and wants to ensure that he’s got some opportunities to fall back on when he eventually leaves The Apprentice.
3. Khadija gave the van a quick tap on the back door as it took off, like some kind of friendly neighbourhood farmer
A question that’s asked time and time again, but never becomes any less relevant: WHERE IN THE WORLD DO THEY PULL THESE CANDIDATES FROM? Every year they just get more and more parody-like. Whomever is in charge of casting the show truly deserves a hefty Christmas bonus. After Daniel’s team loaded up their van with various garden decorations, Khadija gave it a sturdy double tap as if that would signal to the driver that the bank robbery was about to commence and that he should get in position for the getaway. These people, they are beyond anything we’ve ever seen on The Apprentice before.
4. Jasmine insisted on using the world’s smallest paintbrush to paint the world’s largest bench
Like something straight out of a Two Ronnies sketch, Jasmine used a teeny tiny paintbrush to paint a massive bench because she applied to be on The Apprentice with the hopes of being Lord Sugar’s next business partner, not to be an urban gardener. Sabrina intervened, asking if she’d rather use a big paintbrush, which was iconically shut down because there’s nothing quite like knowing you’re in the wrong but sticking to your guns because you’re trying to highlight how dumb the entire situation is. Do you, Jasmine. Do you all day long.
5. Khadija’s power hose wouldn’t connect to the tap properly, so as an alternative, she tried to sweep the dirt away
Of course, the sheer force of a power washer can be equalled through the good old fashioned task of sweeping water across the ground. Classic Khadija and Jackie banter ensued, whereby they quietly undermined each other, throwing out bitchy remarks and trying to position each other into the firing line for when the would reach the boardroom. Still, at least the client was happy with the finished product and agreed to pay full price for their services. Just kidding, she wouldn’t even pay half because they destroyed her yard and spread green slime all over it.
6. The winning team got to play mini golf and opted to wear the hideous visors WHICH WERE NOT MANDATORY
Look! At! The! State! Of! Those! Visors! Daniel’s team looked like they were about to deal out a deck at lightning speed in their underground Vegas casino that doesn’t play by the rules. They look like they’re about to go on a stag weekend that’s guaranteed to result in unmitigated debauchery. They look like a last-minute Halloween team fancy dress effort at work. They look like a bunch of incompetent alleged business professionals who don’t stand a chance of making it in the industry because they haven’t yet realised that this show is reality television and in no way representative of what the actual business world is like.
7. Kayode dropped the sickest burn of the series LIKE IT WAS NOBODY’S BUSINESS
During the standard weekly boardroom scrap session, Kayode was doing his best to land Tom or Sabrina at the end of Lord Sugar’s firing finger. He highlighted that he outsold Tom during the donut task, at which point Lord Sugar interrupted saying that they weren’t talking about donuts on this particular occasion, instead wanting to keep the most recent task at the forefront of their discussions. At that point, the bad boy Kayode interrupted with “You might be talking about donuts when you’re dealing with these two, to be honest” and everyone burst into flames after hearing such a sick burn.
8. After being fired, Kayode reacted like a stroppy teen
Look! At! That! Eye! Roll! Look at his sulk! Kayode was pissed and rightfully so. He didn’t deserve to be fired and deep down, the entirety of Britain knows it. Lord Sugar made the wrong decision last night. Sabrina doesn’t have the enthusiasm that Kayode exudes, nor does Tom. They’re beige. Kayode is a rainbow of fun, enthusiasm and knowledge, plus he’s a hoot and Claude was deeply in love with him. Kayode deserved to act like a stroppy teen. He was shafted. The Apprentice is a joke. Boycott it (until next week anyway).
9. In his exit interview, Kayode said that he was most looking forward to seeing his cat
Â
Blessed Lord above this is the most precious man in Britain right now, move over Rahul from GBBO. Kayode, after having his heart ripped out by the cruel and unforgiving Lord Sugar decided to inform the nation that he was most looking forward to going home and seeing his loved ones, specifically, his pet cat. Allow that image to seep into your soul for a moment, if you will. Kayode sat at home with a cat curled up on his lap, reminiscing about the time he explained what ‘fleek’ meant to Karren Brady. Rest in power, Kayode. Gone to soon, but always in our hearts x.
Images via BBC
