Celebs! Go! Mating!
Celebs Go Dating is back with a brand new series. Finally, our lives can regain purpose again.
The main premise of the show is to get the point across that celebrities are just like you and I, in the sense that they enlist the help of an elite dating agency to find love, same as the rest of us.
We can learn a lot from these superhuman specimens who have chosen to admit their failures in front of the nation.
Here’s 7 things to take with you going forward.
1. Celebrities dress in an attention-seeking way just to remind you that they are celebrities
How many top buttons should be open on a man’s shirt? The universally agreed amount as recognised by the UN is 0-2, or more when you are removing the clothing item entirely. Alik, a former Made In Chelsea star has taken liberties here because he is a celebrity. The idea is that you will see him out and about, remark that his shirt is outrageously fashioned, then realise that he is a low-grade celebrity and then sit with the knowledge that he’s seen you looking at him and assumes that it’s because he is very famous. Lol banter.
2. If you appear on one reasonably successful reality TV show, you’re pretty much set for life in terms of work
Two of the contestants on this series of CGD are former Love Islanders. Eyal and Olivia both spent a summer in a villa in Mallorca and now they’re soaking up that sweet sweet residual income from this latest caper. After this, they might go on The Chase, have a few weeks off to recoup and then go back to flogging strong and healthy nail supplements on Instagram. As the only saying goes, ‘Star in one reality television series, never go without work again (unless it’s Big Brother, then you’re fucked.)’.
3. Celebrities’ preparations for a night out vary differently from yours and mine
You’re getting ready for a night out. What happens? Perhaps a shower, some makeup if you so wish, a quick scan of a remotely appropriate outfit, then you’re out the door sipping tinnies on the train before sundown. Happy days. However, when you’re a celebrity, things run a little deeper than that. Every single one of these celebrities seemed to get a haircut before their big night out, then expertly steamed their outfits into place. Mutya from Sugababes had HER FEET DONE. BY A PROFESSIONAL. These people are a different breed.
4. Celebrities are all born with an innate ability to talk to strangers
Obviously they practice a bunch when they meet strangers every day who want to chat and take a selfie, but there’s also something harrowingly natural about their manner. Every single one of these chumps breezed up to a table of strangers and basically made them audition for the role of their lover. Nobody seemed nervous or crippled with the fear of becoming a meme or the subject of a scathing article similar to this one. Celebrities are, as I have said time and time again, a different breed.
5. Celebrities aren’t above indulging in charity work from time to time
Olivia had the pick of the entire room and she went for the guy with a broken arm. The year is 2018 and celebrities are doing unprompted charity work just for sport. This whole show is about helping these poor, attractive, wealthy and well-connected celebrities to find love, but in the end, it was a charitable decision that swayed her. This guy will be unable to open doors, drive, even cut his own food on their date, but Olivia still picked him because she is a considerate person. Maybe celebrities aren’t so bad after all?
6. Celebrities have problems, they’re just very unique to their specific nonsensical circumstances
You might think that your life is a world away from a former Love Island contestant and a previous Made In Chelsea cast member, but you’re wrong. Things are a lot closer than you would expect. Have you ever been in a situation where you were taking part in a reality television show and you ended up fancying the same person as someone else? Right? Who hasn’t? Eyal and Alik both liked the same girl, so they settled their differences like men. (They both picked someone else after the girl turned down Alik for Eyal, who then turned her down). Classic.
7. Even when you reach the dizzying heights of British reality television celebrity stardom, you’ll still have to split taxis
Would it kill the Celebs Go Dating producers to splash out a little on the “talent”? After the contestants were matched up with a potential suitor, they piled into a large taxi (with the passenger seat headrest removed for ease of filming) so that they could get to their next location. The life of a celebrity (Diversity dancer, Love Island contestant and TOWIE actress) isn’t all glitz and glamour. They must share taxis just like the rest of us. They feel the warmth of others upon their shoulders and thighs piled into the back of an 8-seater taxi, just like you and I.
Images via Channel 4
