The line is legitimately called ‘Drew House’
Everyone’s favourite pesky little eternal teenage next door neighbour who keeps walking through your flowerbeds as a shortcut to his back garden where he smokes cigarettes on the way home from skateboarding in the street (Justin Bieber) has got a new clothing line.
It’s called ‘Drew House’, as in how a toddler describes how they’ve spent their afternoon staying at the childminder’s. It’s reasonable to assume that “used the big boy toilet” was also a name for the clothing line that they floated for longer than it deserved.
Hysterically basic name aside, the clothes themselves are quite beige (in the sense that they mostly come in the colour beige). They also cost a bananas amount of money (£97 for a hoodie), which means it’s difficult to work out precisely who these clothes are being targeted at.
Luckily, the website imagery can help us in our quest to figure out this important information.
Chaz Corduroy Shorts
Price: £105.26
Genuine website description:
Who would wear these? A guy called Hugo who exclusively wears all of his hats backwards and has a limp from that one time he crashed his moped into a lamppost because he got distracted by his own reflection in the window of a Blockbuster.
What does this person do for fun? Lights cigarettes using £5 notes in front of homeless people, says “you’ll be hearing from my lawyer” without a hint of irony, spends a large amount of money to dress like he hasn’t got a large amount of money, distracting himself from the fact that he hasn’t properly mourned the loss of the primary school’s pet hamster yet.
Where will they be in 5 years time? Unfortunately in parliament, probably as a senior advisor to the prime minister.
Chaz Corduroy Pullover Hoodie
Price: £97.63
Genuine website description:
Who would wear this? A student and part-time drug dealer called Barclay or Evanescence, with a minimum of two surnames. He/she once got dreadlocks and had to cut them out for a job interview because Mummy said so.
What does this person do for fun? Goes hunting (primarily for game) with his/her father, uses her piano lesson money to buy very poor quality marijuana, avoids showering any more than twice a week, begs people outside the off licence to buy her a four-pack of blue WKD, smells like cigarettes at all times.
Where will they be in 5 years time? Emigrated to Australia but nervously awaiting to her back about a pending court case for breaking three red lights in one day (Eurovision 2022).
Chaz Corduroy Pants
Price: £112.54
Genuine website description:
Who would wear this? A small child in the 1940s who works in a dairy farm, named Bugsy.
What does this person do for fun? Run through fields of wheat, beg Mama for the lumps of cream atop the unpasteurised milk each morning, play with sticks and giant tyres, describe things as being “the cat’s pyjamas”, pray that the famine doesn’t spread east, groan about having to wear hand-me-downs, long for the invention of TV.
Where will they be in 5 years time? Dead from the consumption.
Chaz Corduroy Shirt
Price: £112.74
Genuine website description:
Who would wear this? A semi-professional skateboarder who has been invited to a black tie event but refuses to conform. His name, legally, is Bro.
What does this person do for fun? Huff glue, break into abandoned hotels to defecate all over the infested furniture, save his mum in his phone contacts as ‘Ugh’, graphically insult girls to show that he likes them, bites his fingernails down so low that his hands look medically unsound, drink comically large cans of Red Bull.
Where will they be in 5 years time? Exactly the same place in every respect, but 5 years older.
Mascot Hoodie
Price: £74.64
Genuine website description:
Who would wear this? Girls in sixth form who intimidate you beyond belief around town despite being ten years younger than you. They’re all called Chantelle.
What does this person do for fun? Dyes her hair different colours like it’s an elaborate game of bingo, replies under viral tweets with ‘didn’t happen’ memes, chews gum in an aggressive manner, secretly kisses her teddy bear goodnight at sleepovers, plays music on her phone speaker at the back of the bus, craves everyone’s approval, fancies Justin Bieber more than is healthy.
Where will they be in 5 years time? Doing community service as penance for stalking a former Love Island contestant. The judge took mercy because she was “from a good family”.
Mascot Turtleneck Tee
Price: £51.81
Genuine website description:
Who would wear this? The sassy judge at Crufts who drives a hearse and refers to everyone as ‘darling’.
What does this person do for fun? Drink coffee that’s specially imported from Papua New Guinea, sighs before responding to any question regardless of what it is, wears fanny packs in inventive new ways such as backwards or on his head, spikes himself with laxatives once a month to stay slim, describes popular music acts as overrated and fully believes that he can telepathically communicate with inanimate objects.
Where will they be in 5 years time? Evading Spider-Man’s capture for a series of unlawful crimes he absolutely committed.
Images via Drew House
