The UK has voted and it believes that pineapple should be allowed on pizzas.
YouGov has conducted extensive research into this important matter, which has revealed that 84% of Brits like pizza, 82% like pineapple, and a staggering 53% like the two together.
This means that there are precisely 35,283,957 Brits in existence today that are comfortable with eating a tropical plant topping on their pizza.
It also means that thirty five point three million British people are scum.
Pineapple does not belong on pizza and herein lies the definitive reasons why.
It ruins the delicacy that is cold pizza
On the one accidental occasion where I mistook a pineapple-topped pizza for chicken, I noticed that the pineapple was stone cold. It was a work function, spirits were high and drinks were flowing, but the sensation of a cold and soggy piece of pineapple touching the roof on my mouth instantly brought me hurtling back down to earth. Pineapple on pizza goes against nature. It is a fruit, it cannot retain room temperature like the meat and vegetables that rightly belong on a pizza. The pineapple is going to shock your senses with its unapologetically freezing cold brutish nature. It ruins cold pizza by being significantly colder than the rest.
It is simply too sweet, your honour
If we’re going to allow fruit on our pizza, where do we draw the line? Pepperoni and guava? Anchovies and coconut? Pineapple doesn’t compliment the overall savoury nature of a pizza. It’s going against nature. The sweetness is incorrect when mixed with other toppings. It’s a confusing time for your palate. Are you having dinner or dessert? There’s nothing to counterbalance the sweetness. No. I want to clog my arteries with savoury food when I’m eating pizza. If I want something sweet afterwards, I will eat some Haribo.
It is simply too healthy, your honour
When you make the extremely correct decision to have pizza for dinner, all commitments to healthy eating are thrown out the window for the evening. There’s no way to be healthy about it, this is time for a treat. So why would you add something with a wealth of nutrients, vitamins and minerals to the equation? Just add another cut of meat, or a different type of cheese if you want to reach the maximum topping capacity, ffs. Pizza makers worldwide need to unite against this abomination. Let us indulge in peace, pineapple.
The flavour is simply too strong, your honour
Pineapple has a very strong flavour. Does a pizza need strong flavours? No. It needs a combination of gentle flavours working together in unison to create a fun overall experience for the person wolfing into it. Pineapple isn’t a team player, it hogs the limelight and demands your attention like a bratty little stage school child. As a society, we need to stand up to flavour bullies and put them in their rightful place. In the case of pineapple toppings, their rightful place is in the bin.
No.
No further elaboration here. Just no. Pineapple does not belong on a pizza. Got it? Cool.
