I’ve got 99 problems but I’m doing my best to eat it correctly please leave me alone I have a family.
The best part about warm weather is that it’s once again socially acceptable to eat 99s. The sight of their sexy little whippy heads peeking out over the top of a cone is among the top searched porn videos in the UK last week, probably.
However, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are ignoring the universally correct method of eating a 99. I’d clocked it in previous years but somehow managed to turn a blind eye, but this year I will not hold my silence. This is likely because I’ve been watching The Handmaid’s Tale and feel deeply oppressed as a woman so I now feel that my pathetic little voice deserves to be heard in this particular regard.
Please read on to ensure that you are eating your 99 correctly. Apologies for wasting your time if it turns out that you are indeed eating a 99 the right way, but at least you can continue safe in the knowledge that you’re not scum.
Step 1: Obligatory Social Media Coverage
First, you’re going to want to order your 99 from a reputable establishment, or if there’s absolutely no alternative available, from an ice cream van. They taste the exact same, I can’t explain why a shop-made cone is preferable, it just is. Obviously you’ll be getting a plain 99 complete with a flake. Toppings are for 12-year-old girls, so unless you fall under that category, politely decline the offer.
The person pulling the 99 will give you a small tissue wrapped around the cone in the event of any unforeseen casualties. Naturally, you’re a massive legend so you’ll pop that in your pocket for later, or maybe never. Once you receive the 99, you’ll feel compelled to take a Snapchat or Instagram, which you will caption ‘Summer’s here’, along with the international scuba diving symbol for ‘ok’ emoji. Nobody knows where this urge comes from, so just blindly follow it and get a move on.
The placement of the chocolate Flake might need some adjusting for the photograph, as the shop assistant didn’t have time to consider your millennial bullshit lifestyle whilst trying to efficiently tend to every customer. You might also need to position your thumb out of the frame if your nails look like they’ve been digging for potatoes in a mucky field for the past fortnight. Once you’ve gotten all of this preparation out of the way, you’re ready to move on to step 2.
Step 2: Drip Management
That’s enough adjusting with the Valencia filter, you’re going to let this wondrous creation melt in front of your like-hungry eyes if you’re not careful. The time has come to horse into your 99, you lucky son of a bitch. After taking a moment to praise thanks to your religious leader, you’ll lower your mouth towards the tip of the ice cream in slow motion. It’s cinematic, intense and borderline sexual. At this particular moment, it’s imperative that you avoid all eye contact with those nearby. Keep the pleasurable grunting to a minimum as you traverse the peak of this virginal ice cream with your tongue.
Now that you’ve indulged in the tip of the ice cream, it’s time to get to work. You need to manoeuvre the sides to remove any threat of dripping. You’ll carefully start at the base and work your way around, like a potter to his wheel. Once all potential drips have been safely secured, you can start trying to mould your 99 into a more manageable shape. The seductive ridges created by the ice cream machine will soon be a distant memory as your tongue gets to work on turning this into a Clipart-esque ice cream cone. It’s all about control and implementing an effective strategy from the outset. If you put in the right effort from the beginning, everything should swiftly fall into place.
Step 3: Flake Management
Take a quick break from this arduous task to glance at fellow ice cream eaters nearby. Suppress any burgeoning gasps as you recoil in horror at their sacrilegious attempts at consuming a 99, then get back to work. As your 99 begins to take a more regimented form, you’re going to encounter some speed bumps along the way. Namely, the Flake. Although tempting, the worst thing you can do in this situation is to eat the Flake whole, as you’ll then be left in a dire situation where you’ve nothing to look forward to at the end of this important journey.
Simply manoeuvre the Flake, with the use of your teeth if necessary, so that it sticks upright from the top of the ice cream with its shaft penetrating the base of the cone itself. This way, you can work a clear path around the ice cream freely without any obstruction, whilst lining up the Flake ready for consumption. When you feel that this process is complete to the point of satisfaction with sufficient ice cream cleared, you may then indulge in the Flake by taking a strategic bite that gives you a mouthful of flake and ice cream. We in the 99 business refer to this pairing as the dynamic duo. Repeat this process until the Flake has been fully consumed.
Step 4: Cone Management
Now that the Flake has been taken care of and you’re positively giddy from that sweet, sweet chocolate rush, you’re going to want to level the ice cream off to the exact height of the cone. This involves a head-on businesslike approach, licking from side to side, as opposed to the previous circular edge motion. Bear in mind you need to pull off this entire procedure without looking like you’re putting in any real effort or conscious thought, as that would be widely regarded as bizarre. Once your ice cream has filled the hole left by the Flake and become as close to level with the cone entrance as possible, you’re ready.
Start by nibbling the edge of the cone lip all the way around, seeing if you can slot your front teeth into the little grooves in the wafer. It’s fun, but don’t lose the run of yourself, you’re here to carry out an important task, not play childish games. When you’ve nibbled the edges off the whole way round, you can begin your second rotation of the cone, this time going slightly further in until you reach the inner hole of the cone. It’s imperative that you’re sucking the ice cream out of the little dips in the edge of the wafer before you actually bite them off, because reasons. Continue this the whole way around one counterclockwise rotation of the cone and you should be left with a mini cone of ice cream left. Congratulations on getting to this crucial stage.
Stage 5: Securing The Final Bite
After a brief existential crisis spurred on by wondering why they don’t put a small bit of chocolate at the end of 99s like the do with Cornettos, you’ll get straight back to work because the best kind of fun is organised fun. You’re on the home stretch, if you play this perfectly, you’ll end up with a sufficient mouthful of ice cream and the last piece of wafer in your final bite. Take a deep breath because things are about to get tricky.
You need to delicately bite your way down this tender strip of wafer without perforating the sides, avoiding an ice cream avalanche all over your grubby little hands. Look around, there’s no ambulance nearby to tend to your repulsive ice cream laden hands. Take it easy, you’ve got all the time in the world here. Simply bite around the edge rather than deep throating the entire thing. Sip the melted ice cream like it’s a hot coffee, keeping in mind that you need to keep a small bit at the base.
When you reach the final portion (roughly half the length of your little finger), the remaining cone should be intact with a dribble of ice cream left over. You’ve done it. Breathe a sigh of relief as you shove that baby into your mouth whole, providing you with the perfect balance of ice cream and wafer. Laugh at those around you with hands soaked in the liquid remnants of shattered dreams and haphazard eating strategies. Smugly locate the tiny tissue the shopkeeper gave you earlier and offer it to those less fortunate around you. “Should’ve eaten it like I did, no mess here”, you’ll say as they shove you into oncoming traffic. Bliss.
