Baby One More LIE, more like
Happy 20th anniversary of Britney Spears releasing ‘…Baby One More Time’ to you and yours.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been two decades since we all got a glimpse into what American school is like, descending into a sad state of despair at our local educational institution’s offerings in comparison.
Twenty years feels like the right amount of time to sit and stew with these feelings, now culminating in an explosive takedown of the American education system.
We were sold a lie and now it’s time to expose all the ways in which this twisted video lied to us about school life.
School uniforms can be modified to your own individual style
Not sure what your school was like, but in my all-girls Catholic school, the staff used to hunt us down and instruct that we adjust our skirts if they were raised anything higher than knee-length. That is a legitimate thing that happened. We also weren’t allowed to wear any makeup or jewellery, which admittedly would’ve distracted from our learning. One simply cannot process something as complex as the Pythagorean theorem whilst wearing a pair of earrings and a beaded bracelet, everyone knows that.
But at Britney Spears High School For Dancing And Singing Juvenile delinquents, they’ve taken liberties beyond belief. Their midriffs were showing, their skirts were well above knee-length and the hair accessories were aplenty. They’re wearing makeup, they’ve got platform shoes on, their uniforms are far from protocol. This music video would’ve been far better off if they paid homage to the average school, where they’d be bundled into the principal’s office for such disregard for the all-important rules and regulations and slapped with a hefty detention.
Chaos in the corridor is both welcome and encouraged
From what I can gather, the main job requirements of a teacher is to teach and also make life as miserable as possible for the students both inside and outside of the classroom. If this is incorrect, then explain homework? Exactly, you cannot. In my school, there wasn’t a single spot in the corridor where it was entirely fine to loiter for a moment. The teachers did not want anyone to stand still, obsessing over the need for a constant flow of students seemingly to and from classrooms, more realistically edging us closer and closer towards our inevitable mortality.
But little Britney Spears appears to be in a school that consists solely of her and her mates. The teachers are nowhere to be seen as she carries out an extensive dance routine in the hallway, employing backup dancers and seemingly having the entire school to herself so that she can express herself through the powerful medium of dance. There are no goths standing opposite them, mocking their joy. No nerds cowering in the corner from the harrowing sight of confidence. There isn’t even a first year toppling over from the weight of her backpack. This is tripe.
When school ends, everyone slips into their crop tops, tracksuit bottoms and oversized basketball jerseys to continue dancing
In reality, when school ended, you continued to loiter with your friends in a different location, made a trip to the nearest shop for some penny sweets, then eventually got the bus home in time for tea. That uniform would stay attached to your body for the evening, stained with whatever dinner fate decided you didn’t need. It then landed in a ball on the floor, ready for wearing the next morning. You repeated this exact process until you reached University, at which point there were no rules because life took on a different meaning at that stage. (Drinking, you went drinking).
But not at Britney High. No siree. These “teens” burst through the school gates and slipped straight into tracksuits so they could better perform their heavily choreographed dance routines to a much larger crowd out in the street, taking breaks by sitting in their convertible cars to comfortably belt out the verses of their catchy teen anthem of choice. Security and Police turned a blind eye to their public disturbance, presumably because their respect for the arts and the right to expression of self was far too large to ignore.
School sports halls are sufficiently equipped for every need
Our school sports hall was so grubby, a family of rats stopped at the door, declared it a shithole and refused to take up residence there, or so the legend goes. It was old, damp, cold and smelled like dirty socks. Still, we made the most of it when it was too wet outside to run around a gravel hockey pitch during P.E., instead playing dodgeball with some of the most vicious girls I have ever met in my sheltered little life. There was one (1) shower and it contained so many spiders, Disney tried to buy the movie rights for it.
So you can imagine my surprise to see that Britney Spears was attending a boujie high school, one with a foldable seating arrangement that even had safety instructions, ‘Keep aisle clear’, still visible on the panels. Not that Britney heeded those warnings, she sat right in that forbidden aisle because the girl plays by nobody’s rules but her own. You can even still see the markings on the court, they haven’t been worn away by years of clumsy students in their off-brand Air Max shoes. Super realistic, Brit.
The basketball team don’t mind if you take over their court to practice a dance routine
At my school, the basketball team were lauded as heroes. They could do no wrong, for they were the elite. They could accurately throw an inflated ball through a hoop with some netting attached, which signified greatness. Skipping classes was an absolutely mandatory part of being A Big Basketball Star, as was looking down on the lower ranked B-team and *swallows vomit* the C-team. Stepping foot onto that court, unless with the sole intention of applauding their superhuman abilities, was an unacceptable act.
But our Brit didn’t seem to have that problem at her school. To the left of the image above, you can see the basketball team patiently waiting on the bench as their classmates carry out their third choreographed dance routine of the day. They’ve just completed it in the hallway, outside and now they return to the basketball court to really get some gusto into it. Onlookers are in awe at their dancing prowess, fully appreciating their skill and delaying of the basketball game with this vivacious display. Everyone is welcome. Everyone is equal. *Rolls eyes so hard they get stuck*
Teachers will break protocol because they too enjoy banter
Think hard. Did you ever see a teacher smile? Other than when the principal was going around each class doing inspections to ensure that nobody had been murdered, did you ever truly see a sincere smile on your teacher’s face? For me, that is a very firm no. Not once. Not an authentic smile. They hated us students precisely as much as we hated them, which was comforting in a way. If we decided to do an impromptu dance routine at school, it would’ve been an immediate detention along with a 20-minute lecture on the importance of never having fun.
But lil Brit Brit’s teacher isn’t like that. She, a blatant backup dancer in disguise, breaks all protocol once she sees the flashmob taking place in the sports hall. Her glasses’ safety chain starts bobbing and her body isn’t far after it. The teacher bursts into an awkward arm twist dance move and her eyes turn completely white. She has been caught by the bug. As Gloria Estefan promised, the rhythm has indeed gotten her. Britney Spears’ teacher has been softened thanks to the harmless medium of dance. The world is a better place with Britney Spears in it. It’s also a deceitful one because NONE OF THIS EVEN HAPPENED. IT TURNS OUT IT WAS ALL A DAYDREAM. BRITNEY FOOLED US ALL. NOTHING MATTERS. TWENTY YEARS LATER IT IS STILL AN INACCURATE MUSIC VIDEO. Still a good tune though.
Images via YouTube
