*Cue the ‘That’s Where You’re Wrong’ comments*
As we’ve learned, Arctic Monkeys have announced that their sixth studio album is en route.
It’s got the catch title of ‘Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino’ and it drops on 11th May.
The tracklist, in typical Arctic Monkeys fashion, is sufficiently bananas:
Rather than respecting the band’s right to name their tracks whatever they ruddy well want, I’m going to predict the meaning behind each song title.
To be fair, with a song name like ‘The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip’, they’re practically begging for it.
Star Treatment
This heartwarming eight-minute song touches on the time that Gary Barlow was suffering from a particularly harsh bout of hay fever. He tried everything – Clarityn, Piriteze, Zyrtec, even some homeopathic crap his wife read about in Bella. Nothing was making a dent in his allergies, so he turned to the professionals. A witch doctor named Mylo started him on a course of rigorous treatment. “Bit fucken crazy but right good for his health”, Turner’s stunning vocals explain. Six weeks later, Barlow was cured of all ailments. Even his bunion had miraculously disappeared, such was the power of the witch doctor named Mylo. But the treatment for our beloved star came at a cost. He was sentenced to being a judge on The X Factor for three years as payment. Good tune, though.
One Point Perspective
This instant anthem is about the rise in popularity of Smart Cars. While a regular motor might struggle to complete a three point turn in precisely that amount, Smart Cars can do it in one fell swoop. “Driving test examiners proper angry when they see a Smart Car pull up to the test centre, prefer something that’s more affordable for the average renter”, sings Turner. The song is as charming as it is informative, keeping listeners abreast of the benefits of driving a Smart Car, such as ease of parking, contributing less pollution to the environment compared to other vehicles, as well as looking futuristically trendy. This new direction for the band is interesting and certainly something that true fans will embrace and appreciate.
American Sports
Baseball, football, dodgeball, basketball, none of these typically “American Sports” are mentioned throughout this track because that’s exactly what you would expect. Arctic Monkeys are done living up to other peoples’ expectations of them, as they defy all critics by turning their efforts to a Christmas song. This catchy number is a strong contender for the number one spot next Christmas as it tells the tale of how the band typically spend the holidays. Alex always goes to visit family, Matt volunteers at a homeless shelter and the other two do something irrelevant that doesn’t really get covered in great detail. Think Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’ meets Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’, then throw that idea out the window because Arctic Monkeys are their own thing. No comparisons necessary.
Tranquility Base Hotel + Casino
The title track from this upcoming album probably isn’t as deep as you expected. The bizarre combination of words actually originated from a warm day last July as Alex Turner was on the beach in Bournemouth. He’d brought a word search book to keep him busy during this exciting day out, but soon grew frustrated as he couldn’t complete the first puzzle. He was left with four words – Tranquility, Base, Hotel and Casino, as the theme of the crossword was drugs. Alex never finished the crossword, but at least he got an epic song out of it. Keep an ear out for the flute solo three minutes into the track, it’s a catchy melody that you’ll be humming for days.
Golden Trunks
Initially called ‘Pissy Knickers’, the band had to amend the name of this track so that audiences overseas would understand it. After much deliberation, it was actually the band’s manager who came up with ‘Golden Trunks’, proving his worth as their supreme leader. The song itself, as you’ve probably guessed, is about pissing yourself. Everyone’s done it. Alex Turner’s lyrical prowess really shines through and his position as one of the greatest musical storytellers of our generation is secured with this exceptional track. “Broke the seal, not sure how to feel, warm sensation trickling down my leg, fuck it! still going to order another keg”. Is this the best song on the album? Absolutely, but it’s got stiff competition.
Four Out Of Five
It’s been four years since Arctic Monkeys last released an album, so it’s understandable that they’ve had quite a bit of downtime in between tours. Alex kept busy with The Last Shadow Puppets and other bits and bobs, but what he really got into was being an Airbnb host. It started out as a fun way to make some spare cash, but then he became obsessed. His life began to revolve around getting the elusive five star Airbnb rating, but it came at a personal cost. His friends and family had to take a backseat as Alex became engulfed in this new hobby. He’d greet guests with signed albums, decorate their rooms with Ferrero Rocher and even bathe with them if they so wished. Alas, it wasn’t enough. He peaked at four stars and it still haunts him today. “Four out of five. Ungrateful c**ts, won’t be having them back here any time soon”.
The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip
FINALLY we have a song covering this important subject matter. It was only a matter of time, and thankfully, we have Arctic Monkeys’ take on it. The flip in question took place last year on 29th March. Everyone remembers where they were that day. I was at work, pretending to type some bullshit document, but secretly glued to the Monster Jam World Finals that were taking place in Las Vegas. Lee O’Donnell, also known as the ‘Mad Scientist’ performed the tricky manoeuvre, much to the delight of the onlooking crowd. It was a huge deal. Watch it here, if you fancy reliving the memory (which you should). Anyway, this beautiful track is an homage to the mediocre hotdog Alex Turner was eating while he watched the video on YouTube eight days after it trended.
Science Fiction
This zippy little number delves into the world of sci-fi, specifically Christopher Nolan’s 2014 hit film Interstellar. Turner’s main gripe with the movie isn’t the fact that scientifically speaking, a lot of the plot didn’t add up, but instead he explains how Timothée Chalamet deserved far more hype for his role as Tom than he received. His performance was breathtaking, delivering an understated yet vital role which proved integral to the storyline. Sure, he was Oscar nominated for Call Me By Your Name this year, and deservedly so, but Alex Turner feels that the public should’ve been praising Timothée since 2014 for his acting prowess. “Sleeping on Chalamet, has the world gone mad? Sleeping on Chalamet? Right good actor, that lad”. Truthfully, this particular track is an album filler, but it’s still decent.
She Looks Like Fun
Coleen Nolan of Loose Women fame finally gets the hit song she’s long overdue with this catchy number. Turner wrote the lyrics in an impressive twenty-two minutes one Tuesday afternoon as he was watching the ladies debate the correct way to eat an After Eight. He was inspired by the mundane, as only Alex Turner can be. It was Coleen’s clever quip “I’ll eat an After Eight before eight, I just don’t care” that arrested Turner’s attention, “She looks like fun”, he thought to himself. The melodies throughout this track sample the Loose Women theme song, something which actually held up the upcoming album’s release date as they were tied up in legalities trying to secure the rights to use it. Congratulations Coleen, you’re soon to become a worldwide household name.
Batphone
It doesn’t take a genius to work out that ‘Batphone’ pertains to the telecommunication devices of one Christian Bale. He played the role of Batman and gained worldwide recognition for his commitment to the part, transforming himself into an actual bat during training. Alex is a huge fan of the Batman, so he jumped at the chance of getting to speak to Christian Bale on the phone whilst at a party two years ago. An unnamed celebrity learned of Turner’s fondness for Bale, so they rang him immediately and the two briefly spoke. Tragedy struck as the line suddenly went dead and they couldn’t ring Christian Bale back. Turner thought “Hmm, his Batphone must be dead” and saved it in a note on his phone. The pair haven’t spoken since, but this epic track will surely lead to future contact between the unlikely duo.
The Ultracheese
This song is about Dairylea Dunkers.
