After 2016 we all sighed a collective sigh of relief: the worst year ever was over, everyone died, the idiots were in charge and we looked to a new year with hopeful eyes and the enthusiasm of a drunk that just found the last kebab shop open at 3am.
We are now four months into this wretched year and our optimism has been shattered like your mum’s favourite vase at a house party.
These are the stories that made the headlines this week, and the images we all had thrust into our eyeballs from every news outlet, but what’s the story behind the image?
1. Kendall Jenner does the worst advert since Coke did an advert with Harold Shipman in his underpants (no, that didn’t really happen)
In a boardroom in America, many people met, many times, to discuss their latest promotional campaign.
Someone, probably someone called Chet because that’s what Americans are like, asked “What do Millennials like?” and from the other side of the board room a chirpy intern trying to prove their worth screamed “KARDASHIANS AND CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE”.
And there it was, the advert to define a generation, capitalism was about to solve all the world’s problems, and the board room congratulated each other before finishing at 11am and going for a 20-hour boozy lunch.
The story doesn’t come from what’s in the video, but rather how this video got made. I have two theories on this, the first is that the marketing executives in control of this project are sleeper agents from an alien world who have infiltrated the glamorous world of marketing to undermine the core of humanity through gratuitous capitalism; the second is that people are just fucking idiots and lack very basic common sense. The first is more exciting.
2. Nigel Farage goes full bananas and compares the EU parliament to the mafia
Nigel Farage has been perfecting his ‘Alan Partridge meets Alan B’stard’ character for quite some time now, and this week’s performance in his part-time-full-time-sometimes-job has shown us that he really does have the character down.
Farage has one of the lowest rates of attendance in the EU parliament, and every time he turns up he just slags everybody off. It’s the equivalent to me not turning up to work for a few weeks, coming in one day, hurling the kettle at Sue in Accounts and then telling everyone else in the office to get in the fucking bin and expecting a pay cheque.
As we can see from this image, Nigel Farage is sharing his opinion with the tiny man that lives in his hand, gurning away whilst looking like a hideously diseased ham. With Brexit negotiations about to begin, I’m not sure a sausage-meat-looking buffoon like Farage voicing random theories in front of our soon to be ex’s is the greatest idea.
3. Jared Kushner goes on vacation
This is Jared Kushner. Jared Kushner is senior advisor to Donald Trump, and Jared is also married to Donald’s long-time crush Ivanka. Jared Kushner looks like the kind of guy who throws milkshakes out of cars at homeless people. Jared Kushner doesn’t drink beers, he ‘pounds beers’. Jared Kushner looks like he is rude to waiters. Jared Kushner would put his balls in your mouth if you fell asleep at a party. This week Jared went to Iraq, because… fuck knows really, I’m guessing Donald needed some quality time with Ivanka without the threat of her husband around so bundled of The Kush in a crate and sent him across the world to look like a freshman on vacation helping to build huts for poor people.
It is also evident from the image above that the soldiers that ‘The Kush’ (yes I know that name is abhorrent but Jared Kushner is definitely the type of person who would make people call him ‘The Kush’) is talking to don’t really give a shit, as they are all in full camouflage and The Kush looks like a Countdown contestant on a paintball work away day. We still have no idea why Jared Kushner went to Iraq or even why Jared Kushner is a thing.
4. Melania Trump got released from her New York wife cage to take this weird portrait
Are we supposed to feel sorry for Melania Trump? All she wanted from life was to find a stupid rich old white man, bang him once and then be set for life. This is not a bad thing by any means. Hell, I’d bang a man that looked like a net filled with old medicine balls once if it meant I never had to work again. But for poor Melania, she caught Donald Trump, the human equivalent of that ball that chases Indiana Jones.
Melania now lives in New York, away from her bloated tangerine goblin of a husband, at the expense of the US taxpayer, she rarely emerges into the public eye anymore, instead watching the world like James Stewart in Rear Window.
This week saw the First Lady’s official portrait released, and here it is, and… bloody hell. First, she appears to be on the set of a sci-fi drama and dressed like an interplanetary dignitary about to bargain with another race for their mineral deposits. Secondly, her face is so blurred in photoshop that she’s two layers away form looking like a CCTV criminal.
Third, why does Melania always have an expression on her face like she’s just remembered she left a pizza in the oven last night when she was drunk? This picture is so utterly baffling but when you remember that Melania has allowed Donald Trump to mount her like a bear attacking a hen then you just stop caring quite quickly and want to get that image out of your head.
5. Jeremy Corbyn distresses children by smashing chicken ovums
It’s time for another fun round of ‘Where the bloody fuck has Jeremy Corbyn been?’ After buggering about doing pottery or weaving or something (probably), Mr Corbyn has returned to the headlines with… a good policy? This isn’t the Corbyn we know. It’s hard to argue with ‘Let’s give children food’. Children should have food, food is an essential part of existing as a human person, without food you stop being a human person, so children should have food. Done. The wonder in this paragraph of over-examined nonsense is the way in which Corbyn announced his policy.
Politicians are obsessed with proving that they are human beings, aliens in human suits don’t spend nearly as much time trying to convince people they are human as politicians do. They also insist on being put around children. Children have no political affiliation, they have no idea who you are, the kids who met Theresa May probably wondered why this victorian ghost was talking to them, the children who met Corbyn probably spent most of the time wondering when lunch was.
As the public, we get it: politicians aren’t normal people, they don’t want to hang around children, they don’t know how to hold a pint, they don’t need to know how to eat a bacon sandwich. But just do your jobs and we are ok ignoring the fact that you are some sort of reptile person in a people suit. It’s fine, honestly.
