‘Time traveller from 2030’ passes lie detector test over future predictions

He claims Donald Trump is re-elected in 2020.

A self-proclaimed “time traveller” known only by the alien moniker of “Noah” has taken a lie detector test after finding that nobody believes that he is from the year 2030. Or that he is actually 50 years-old, despite looking exactly like a small boy.

Noah states that it is simply a result of secret age-rejuvenation drugs he has taken and not as a result of actually just being 14 years old.

How dare you think that. Shame on you.

Noah took the test on the channel ApexTV,  notoriously reliable purveyors of truth and reason, whose site banner promises “a new video everyday” and advertises the two famously entwined genres of “mystery” and “science”.

The test itself appears to takes place in a school classroom and involves Noah being hooked up to definitely, one-hundred percent legitimate lie-detector equipment, and not, say, cheap blood pressure apparatus.

To protect his identity and story, and not because he is lying extensively, Noah’s face is blurred and his voice is filtered through a vocoder, which makes him sound like he should be negotiating his escape helicopter and millions in cash with the chief of police, rather than detailing his chilling visions of the future.

Every time Noah says something, a green ‘true’ or red ‘false’ icon will flash up on screen, meaning we know with absolute certainty whether the subject is telling the truth.

It’s completely foolproof.

For instance, the first thing that flashes true is Noah’s claim that he has hard evidence to back up his predictions but he cannot share any of it due to “a paradox”.

Throughout my life I have utilised a wide array of excuses to escape a wide array of situations but I have never, ever managed to get away from something by claiming that I couldn’t because of “a paradox”.

I regret to inform you that I will now be using this excuse extensively.

Hi mate. Really sorry but I can’t go for a beer. Yeah. Uh-huh. It’s, er, it’s just that, er, that paradox I was telling you about. Yeah. The one from earlier. Sorry. Yeah, pain in the arse mate. Sorry. Next time. 

Anyway, here are Noah’s predictions, complete with a short, impartial comment underneath:

• Current US president Donald Trump will be re-elected in the year 2020

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

• Phones are going to start getting bigger towards the year 2030

The iPhone X is already bigger than the iPhone 8, Noah. Nokia 3210s are not big devices in comparison, Noah.

• Robots that can run a home are being slowly introduced

Have you ever heard of Alexa, Noah. Just stop it, Noah. Get back to double maths now please.

• Global warming issues have increased and Northern America is now hotter

There’s a 97% consensus of the world’s climate scientists on global warming, Noah.

• Humans fly to Mars in 2028 

Elon Musk is doing this Noah. Now. At the moment. At this current moment in time.

• Electric cars can travel at 600mph

Whilst I’m sure they will be able to at some point, this is just a guess, isn’t it.

This is just pure speculation. With a semi-suspicious round figure. It’s not quite 500mph but still. Suspicious.

• Some diseases have been cured, including some forms of cancer

I’m glad he is being specific otherwise it might hurt his credibility. He’d be in real danger of some people not believing some parts of some of his predictions.

• Artificial intelligence will grow by 2021 and a popular device which will look like Google glasses but have the processing power of today’s computers will take over

Noah has read a single issue of Discover magazine. That is literally all that has happened here. Noah has been on the internet and read approximately four articles and watched Black Mirror on Netflix and somehow managed to come up with nothing remotely provocative.

• Time travel will be released to the public in 2028

The same year we fly to Mars, Noah? How convenient. A big year for humanity that, Noah. Where am I, by the way? Why have I not travelled back in time Noah? If I could access time travel in ten years I would be coming back to tell myself not to write this piece now, Noah. Am I changing the true course of events Noah? Am I messing with spacetime? The spacetime continuum, Noah? Where am I, Noah? Where am I? Why is my future self not helping me out Noah? Is it because it’s a paradox, Noah? Is it? Yeah? Really? Yeah? Is it?

Get. Out. Of. My. Classroom. Now. Please. And. Stop. Wasting. My. Time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyWOjfSxt3Q