Happy Brexit Day to you and yours!
Hearty congratulations to all involved on making it to March 29th, 2019 – Brexit Day.
What has changed between now and two years ago when this date was set? Honestly, very little. But it’s important to keep fresh in your mind at all times that David Cameron once fucked a pig, and everything else that happens is merely an attempted distraction from that fact.
As of right now *checks watch* Britain is still in the EU. When will it leave? Who knows. Will it ever leave? Probably, yes.
But not to worry. The uncertainty cannot and must not tarnish Brexit Day™. This is the nation’s special day and it must be spent in an appropriate fashion.
Inspired by the chaos of Brexit, here’s some fun activities you can do to celebrate Brexit Day with the ones you love.
1. Call your parents and tell them that you would like to be emancipated, but still retain the perks of being in the family, such as getting birthday presents, pocket money, fondly being referred to as “the one who does things a little differently to everyone else”, full inheritance rights and their surname.
2. Head down to King’s Cross Station and find platforms 9 and 10. Hurl yourself into their dividing wall at full speed. Gradually recover from your injuries. Regain strength. Run at the wall again, this time even harder than before.
3. Try to walk up a downward escalator while juggling spears that are on fire and also contain poison. You must do this without the use of your hands, also while blindfolded.
4. Continually pay someone £500m a week to kick you very forcefully in the genitals and be sure to thank them afterwards.
5. Scream at a tech support person on the phone for fifteen minutes, only to discover that you forgot to dial the number and have been howling into the abyss.
6. Ask someone to prod you in the arse cheek with a thumbtack, but keep rescheduling the date on which they can do it even though it will inevitably happen at some point.
7. Take all of your money out of the bank and put it in a shredder. Return to the bank and insist that they fix it. Try as many banks as you can find.
8. Get a preemptive root canal even though you show no signs of needing one. Do not avail of the pain relief medication.
9. Go up to the biggest guy you can find at the gym and insult his form, then ask if he would mind teaching you how to use the equipment and also allow you to sell him some property.
10. Fail to get insurance for your phone. Drop your phone and crack the screen. Try to go back in time and buy the insurance. Set fire to the phone, yourself and time itself.
11. Go to the house of someone you went to school with and steal a packet of crisps from their cupboard. When confronted, inform them that they technically consented to giving you a packet of crisps two decades ago during your lunch break.
12. Sell a bunch of tickets to an event that doesn’t exist, then run away with the money and evade the consequences. If you are found, deny everything and offer them a cigar.
13. Promise a friend £350 million and simply never give it to them lol.
14. Argue with a loved one about which restaurant to go to, ideally for long enough that it ends up being too late to go anywhere. Repeat this exact process until death.
15. Start watching a movie 15 minutes from the end. Set fire to the TV right before it finishes. Set fire to your house. Set fire to yourself.
16. Try to quietly carry a very tall ladder horizontally through the revolving doors of a library.
17. Skip the queue, order a nonspecific coffee and disappear for twenty minutes, then get upset when the barista gives you nothing. Cause a scene, insult the entire population. Vomit everywhere.
18. Fill your diesel car with petrol, try to drive the car. Set fire to the car. Ask for help from a family member you have previously wronged. Act surprised when they refuse.
19. Buy a house that you can’t afford. Request that the estate agent pays your mortgage for you. Shout at the estate agent when they refuse. Set fire to the house and also yourself.
20. Adopt a puppy and spend fifty wonderful years together. Then leave the puppy because you’re suspicious that there might be a better puppy out there (there isn’t). Feel sad. Die alone.
21. Emotionally and loudly say goodbye to everyone at a party after being asked to leave, then sit back down and continue to stay there for another year.
