The Exchequer is dead, long live the happy couple
It’s firmly un-British to like the Royal Family. A bunch of foreigners who came over here and took our jobs, who reign sovereign because it’s their God-given right. Support and like of the Royals is basically sedition. We’re an island race of contrarians, shaggers and fat drunks. Not peasants on the Lord’s land. It’s ours, as are the prefab two-up-two-downs we build on it.
Look at the last year and try to justify spending £32 million on a celebrity wedding. Then try and justify footing the bill. If you can, we’re not from the same island. So what should we spend the money on instead?
A gigantic catapult to fire Ricky Gervais into the sun
Fairly self-explanatory. A multi-millionaire with a huge global platform, dying on the hill of free speech for a man who wants the right to repeatedly say “gas the Jews.” Maybe a solar flare will eviscerate his body before it reaches the sun’s equivalent solar free speech hill. We’ll call it irony.
128 million Freddos
They’re 25p a go now, what better way to celebrate the abolition of our monarchy than spending the cost of their Royal Wedding on choccies.
This desert island
As well as being devoid of buildings and people, Balliceaux Island appears to be short of a monarchy. We’ve got one going spare if you fancy it.
Successful interventions for 22,440 homeless people
Crisis estimates the cost of a successful intervention for a homeless person at £1,426. There are more than 300,000 homeless people in the UK, according to Shelter – another charity.
Waive the contribution fee for 14,414 foodbanks for the next three years
The UK’s largest network of foodbanks, the Trussell Trust, asks branches to contribute £1,500 in their first year of operation, and £360 for every subsequent year, to help with costs and delivery of services. The Royal Wedding’s cost could pay those fees over three years for 14,414 foodbanks. There are currently 400 foodbanks in the Trussell Trust network.
The starting salary of 1,446 nurses
A nurse starts on the career ladder at a salary of £22,128. Between July and September 2017, over 34,000 nursing vacancies for full time jobs in England were posted.
Fireproof cladding on Grenfell tower, 109 times over
Artists, doctors, whatever. Really they’re just people. Like you and me, with family and ambition and regret. Forgotten and forsaken, reduced to an eyesore before and after the fire on June 14 last year.
Maybe 72 people wouldn’t have died if we cared as much about the 99 per cent as we do the 0.01. That’s not funny.
