Queen’s Speech 2017: Translated for ease of consumption

Not as good as Martin Luther King, but still decent.

As with any political speech, there’s always a certain amount of sugar coating and the Queen isn’t exempt from this habit. In fairness, she’s 91, so she can do whatever the fuck she likes.

Luckily, I recently graduated with a Masters in Decoding Bullshit, so I’m perfectly suitable to translate what was said in this important speech earlier today.

You’re welcome.

Brexit

Translation: LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE YOU STUPID LITTLE SHITS, THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE A FUCKING DEMOCRACY YOU MORONIC TURDS. NOW THIS DICKWIPE GOVERNMENT HAS TO TRY AND SALVAGE OUR LAST REMAINING BIT OF DECENCY AFTER YOU’VE GONE AND FUCKED IT ALL YOU FUCKING FUCKS.

European Communities Act

Translation: What I wanted to introduce was my foot up the arse of anyone that thought all of this was a good idea, but I was advised against it. So now we have to act accordingly by telling the EU to piss off because of you FUCKING MORONS.

Trade

Translation: We’re going to do our best to stay in the EU without actually legally being in the UK, but it’s likely we’re going to have to make new friends with those fucking Yanks. Thanks again to everyone who voted to leave the EU, really appreciate it.

Infrastructure

Translation: Look, if we give Theresa loads of “special” jobs to do overseas, it means she’ll be spending less time here making a mess of things. It’s called strategy. Trust me on this one.

Education

Translation: If we pump loads of money into education, maybe one of these kids will invent a fully functioning time machine, allowing us to go back in time and unfuck this country, because we have exhausted all other options.

Income

Translation: Despite some members of Governments’ latest attempts to punish poor people, we’re actually going to look out for them. Please ignore the fact that the jewellery I’m currently wearing is worth twice the average annual wage (before tax).

Markets

Translation: We are aware of the ongoing scandal regarding the price of Freddos. This country will not stand for overpriced chocolate, not now, and not ever. We will be setting up special Governmental departments with unlimited resources to correct this abomination for our consumers.

Data Protection

Translation: The next person caught making some shitty meme about myself or my husband will be publicly tortured by having to listen to Liberty X’s entire back catalogue on repeat. Grow up.

Reputation

Translation: We’ve made ourselves look like prize idiots to the rest of the world, so the first person to somehow claw back our reputation on a global scale will receive an immediate OBE. Mo Farah, Andy Murray, David Beckham, I’m looking at you three.

State Visit

Translation: Eat shit, Donald Trump. One would rather cut off one’s left arm than express any false excitement at the prospect of hosting you in our great country. If you even so much as look at me I will have you beheaded, you vile, unripe satsuma.