Goalkeepers are a different breed.
Sure, you’ll say they are either too lazy or too useless to play out-field but they will talk about a lonesome, devout application that they alone [and other goalies] have been born with.
Each and every week, up and down the land, these men and women glove up and throw themselves at our feet, crosses and shots and do it with a manic glint in their eye.
Here are 19 goalies you’ll see at every Astro pitch.
1. The Loudmouth
Spends the whole game berating teammates, opponents, the ref and anyone else who happens to be strolling nearby.
This is their box and they are going to dominate it.
2. The mind games expert
They know exactly what you’re thinking, even before you thought you just thought it.
Comes in extremely handy when the ref points to the spot.
3. The lad who hates getting in
Everyone has to have a go in goals but this guy spends his five-minute allocation moaning about it. Not to be confused with the wrecked lad who is always offering ‘I’ll hop in goal boys’.
The reluctant one NEVER uses his hands and you curse him for it after each goal.
4. U.F.C fan*
Has been watching far too much Conor McGregor and Jon Jones. Get too close at a corner and you’ll get a dig in the ribs or just plain choked out.
*Helmet optionalÂ
5. Joe Hart wannabe
If he’s a bit older [like me] it will be Peter Schmeichel.
Comes out with the star-jump each time but, after a while, you know exactly what to do.
6. The show-off
Also known as ‘The Shaper’.
In their mind, they’re playing at Wembley with all eyes, cameras and phones on them.
7. All talk, no action
The ultimate head-melter.
Coaches the team from the safety of the box and spends so much time yapping that his teammates have long since switched off.
8. The one who slides out at your legs
Victory has a price.
https://twitter.com/Taylor01Beth/status/645972502812995584
9. De Gea disciple
Has been watching the Spanish stopper for the past five years and attempts to mimic his every move.
If David [pronounced ‘Haa-veed’] pulls off a great save at the weekend, they’ll try their damnedest to recreate it.
10. Full-kit w*nkers
Would kill for a game, even if they don’t have a team or anyone interested.
11. The Mignolet
You know the type – a shot-stopper to beat the band but absolutely garbage under the high ball.
‘Keepers… KEEEEEPPPPEERRRRSSSS!!’
12. Injured? You can get in goal so
We all have a mate that tries to pull out, citing a recent injury, but who was probably on the rip the night before.
You’re short on numbers so there can only be one solution… Goal.
13. Fly goalie
Pegs it out of goal at the first opportunity and leaves you to cover. They’re simply too good to be wasted in nets.
14. The lad with the cotton trackie bottoms
Dimitri Kharine, Julian Speroni… that Hungarian chap.
Look like they genuinely could not be bothered and, most of the time, they couldn’t.
15. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail
This is the type of goalie that screams at himself before kick-off after doing shuttle-runs in the box.
16. The jammy one
You fancy your chances against them every time you get a one-on-one yet somehow, some bloody how, they thwart you at every turn.
Arse, leg, face, ankle, water bottle on the goal-line, you just can’t squeeze one by.
17. The one that brings their phone
Instragram, Snapchat, Gmail, Twitter, Facebook, WhatsApp, JOE… so little time, so little effort.
18. The one always fiddling with their gloves
https://twitter.com/maxjones98/status/622145806380990464
19. Cocky but crap
They’ve seen Bruce Grobbelaar and Joe Hart in action and think, ‘Sound lads’.
If you’re going to be a dick, try back it up with some goalkeeping talent.
And who knows, next week it could even be you…
https://twitter.com/nicolmacpherson/status/719452062233325568
