It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there.

There really is only one legitimate acid test to see if a person is normal, or has an unusually ice-cool head, and that’s a game of Fifa 18. Because if anybody comes through a game without embarking on an emotional rollercoaster one way or another, they really are out on their own.

It’ll put players through the emotional wringer, there are swings and roundabouts, there are ups and downs and broken controllers, and there’s effing and blinding, annoying and ingenious tactics and then there’s shithousery laid bare.

That’s because a game of Fifa 18 is a test of  pride, and if you can beat one of your mates, you have a comeback to slate them with for at least the next week.

It may be a computer game, but it transcends to much more than that, as it can actually be used to convey that you are a better person than your mate and that’s why we play.

That’s why we will put their necks on the line and resort to dirty tactics if they have to..

It’s kill or be killed, and here’s how you become a cold-blooded killer.

1. Speed abusers

“Oh, I’m going to play with SpVgg Greuther Fürth because they’re such a well balanced team.”

No they’re not, that person is going to play that ball to their right winger every single time just so they can get Ivory Coast national Mathis Bolly on the team, and they will proceed to take your left back to the proverbial cleaners. The man has 96 speed.

There’s nothing worse. It’s not football, it’s not FIFA18 but it does get goals, and there’s no forgiveness for any man in this cruel world.

2. The blanket defence

Do whatever it takes to keep them out – as long as you have speed to abuse over the top.

3. Sweaty goalscorer

You’re bearing down on goal, it’s just you and the keeper. It’s 50:50, it’s one-on-one. Is there any way you can make 100% sure that this ball is going to end up in the back of the net?

You’d better believe it. Eden Hazard is bombing down your left hand side with speed that Usain Bolt would be proud of, wouldn’t it be a huge shame if you didn’t just lay it off to him, rewarding him for his efforts and give him a tap-in open goal?

It’s guaranteed to work and it will drive your opponent to self-destruction.

4. Keep-ball

You’ve scored an early goal, you’re 1-0 up and, to you, a win is a win is a win.

Caress that ball around the field like your life depends on it. Take so much care with each pass of that ball so your opponent won’t even get another sniff. Every play is like Xavi at his best at this stage.

Your opponent will be ripping their controller to shreds. Doing tricks when you’re under no pressure will help piss people off too.

5. Replay-lover

You know what they always say, the most important space in a game of Fifa is the six inches between your two ears.

What is the best way to become psychologically invincible, while cutting your opponents down to size?

If you score a valuable goal, you damn better milk the shit out of it.

Jump around the room, perform a radical celebration, both on the computer screen and in reality, but most important of all, break that opponent of yours down by watching that work of art once, twice and over and over again, all the while marvelling at just how better it gets every single time.

Even better if you can play that replay.

6. Set-piece specialists

Based on the law of averages, a handful of relatively favourable set-pieces will come your way in every single game, presenting chances to score.

The probability of you scoring these can be influenced by you and you only. The art of the free-kick is one that can be mastered, and perfected by hours of practice.

You have to get the timing right, the execution perfect, but if you nail it, the returns are absolutely worth it. You can play to win free-kicks, too, dribble around the box, mesmerize, tempt the shit out of them to stick in a boot or to go on a slide.

7. Fly-goalkeeper

This is surely the riskiest tactic of all, but the returns can be even more handsome than any of the above.

An opponent is clean through on goal, they’ve cut through your brick wall, they’ve a good bit of time to make their mind up on how to nestle that ball into the corner of the net.

Too much time.

Get that goalie flying, get him out of that box, make him slide tackle the attacker before they can even press a button. Then take off with him down the pitch if you’re feeling dangerous.

Oh so frustrating.

8. Jockey tackling

You could nearly make a cup of tea and drink it, while defending your area superbly, because all you have to do is press a button to shadow-box like the Greek god of defending.

Will frustrate the living daylights out of your opponent, too.

These are all the best tactics – they’re also the worst. If you want to win, you have to be merciless in this world.