Welcome to JOE’s Transfer Digest, a safe space for football fans to come and discuss the most sensible and ludicrous transfer rumours of the day.
You’re sweating, your ears are buzzing and your eyes weep. This can only mean that the transfer window is being prepared by the football gods. It will soon open.
Kylian him softly
Our first rumour of the week comes from the Emirates stadium, where it has emerged that Arsenal will look to offer French wunderkind Kylian Mbappe a 901% pay rise, in response to his club AS Monaco’s proposed offer of a 900% increase in wages.
The deal, proposed by a laughing Arsene Wenger last night, would also see the North London club offer the Ligue 1 side exactly £1 more than any other bid they receive this summer, regardless of the fee.
“Not only does this offer signify our desire to acquire Kylian – a player who has shown over the last 12 months that he is destined for stardom – but it is also in line with our club policy of putting in offers that, frankly, take the piss a little bit,” said a club source today. “Whether it happens or not – much like our fabled Luis Suarez offer – it’ll be funny either way.”
Oldest man in world finally makes Premier League move
There was positive news for the world’s oldest man – Will Hughes – who has finally moved to the Premier League after close to 750 years of constant speculation.
Former Derby man and 821-year-old Hughes, who has lived through and fought in almost every known war to date, has joined Marco Silva’s Watford as the Portuguese coach’s first signing.
Speaking today, Hughes welcomed the move: “Dag nabbit, I done seen just about errythin’ in my life but I ain’t never thunk I’d see the day I grace the Premier League.” Quite.
No decision yet
In Italy, goalkeeper Gianluigi Donnarumma has been consistently linked with a move away from AC Milan but a host of social media posts this weekend indicated that the 18-year-old may be open to staying in Italy to pursue his dream of repeatedly messing with the heads of his employers and flirting with other teams.
“Do I know what the future holds? No of course not. But I am open to possibilities,” said the Italy international today. “Obviously, moving to Real Madrid or Manchester United is very attractive, but so is the prospect of staying at the San Siro and pissing off fans, teammates and my bosses for another year or two. Once I leave Milan, I probably won’t come back, so I have to savour the animosity around me while I can. I have a lot to think about.”
And finally…
Bookmakers have significantly cut the odds on Tottenham Hotspur’s Harry Kane leaving White Hart Lane to join Manchester United, leaving punters with even less incentive to inevitably lose their money when he stays.
