The Scouser-than-Scouse
Liverpool, as with most of the world’s biggest clubs, have a proud tradition of foreign fans supporting the team
through thick and (often) thin – and most are as passionate and informed as any Anfield native.
But the Scouser-than-Scouse takes things that one step too far.
They express their obsession by attempting to out-Scouse Scousers at every turn. This involves overusing the
Merseyside lingo, being ferociously partisan, and taking any criticism of their beloved ‘Redmen’ as a personal slight, la.
To say they are touchy is to refer to Micky Quinn as a tad chubby. Funnily enough, they don’t mind being called ‘Wools’ as they love how Scouse that sounds.
The Shankly Gates Shakespeare
This Liverpool fan is an unappreciated genius. Picasso had his canvas, Rodin his clay, while the Shankly Gates Shakespeare turns to the internet forum to share his art.
They’re not fans of Twitter because it doesn’t allow them to fully express their oh-so-worthy opinions in the most verbose and flowery prose possible. So they revert to blogs and message boards – explaining mid-essay that they’re ‘actually welling up’ and ‘literally shaking’.
The worst possible scenario is when one of these bedroom bards masters the basics of Photoshop. We then have Lord of the Rings and Gladiator-style mock-ups of their heroes in glorious sepia effect.
The Kopite Gobsh*te
The Kopite Gobsh*te is the very antithesis to the two types above. It sounds like an insult but it isn’t – their existence is vital to the natural balance. Otherwise everyone would be ugly-crying constantly and there’d be a special #YNWA button on your keyboard to save time.
They love nothing more than pricking bubbles of pretension and outing blaggers, bloggers and bullsh*tters. What gives their crass and often merciless rage virtue is they’ll go after anyone, including (and especially) fellow Liverpool fans.
As likely to reference Rose West and Jimmy Savile as they are Steven Gerrard or Rafa Benitez, they keep the more sentiment Scousers in check…usually by calling them a ‘f*cking nonce’.
The Old Romantic
The Old Romantic is something of a misnomer – there’s no age-barrier to this wistful history buff of the Scouse fraternity. Just as long as they have a selective memory.
Although the most common variety love to bore fellow supporters in the corner of the pub with tales of how good Liverpool were in the 70s and 80s, it’s never too soon to turn recent events into bitter-sweet nostalgia.
And so everything is referred in melancholy comparison to the past. Liverpool are a pale shadow of Rafa’s European Cup-winning team, or the Suarez-Sturridge side of 12 months ago, or the glory weeks between Christmas and March of last season. You know, the good old days.
The Purely Academical
This type of Liverpool supporter isn’t into football for the indescribable buzz before kick-off or the visceral thrill of celebrating a goal. For the Purely Academical, following Liverpool is like A-Level homework.
They love nothing more than creating convoluted algorithms that prove without a shadow of a doubt that Liverpool are actually 2nd in the table (not 6th) based on weighted form, English goalscorers or some other
meaningless statistic.
They have about 12 spreadsheets open on their desktop at any one time, charting all sorts of interlinked variables.
It’s a bit like Good Will Hunting…in that you wish that you’ll wake up one day and they won’t be there.
