Football managers, the custodians of the world’s greatest sport’s brightest and best institutions.
It’s difficult to imagine them doing anything else, so intertwined are they with how we view the sport. But what if they did do something? What profession would they have ended up in? Well, friends, wonder no more.
You can find parts one, two and three of this list here, here and here.
Paul Clement, Swansea City – Nightclub bouncer
Paul Clement is a good football manager. He is talented, thoughtful, devoted to his craft and takes no prisoners. He is also quite an intimidating figure, meaning that in another life he may have chosen the path of a nightclub bouncer.
Using his years of meticulous and successful martial arts training, Clement – probably a black belt in jiu jitsu in this alternate world – would use his skills sparingly, opting instead for the power of words to talk down any potential issues.
After years of being an understudy to some of the greats of bouncing, he would eventually get his first taste of real responsibility at a small Welsh nightclub, before rising through the ranks and becoming a bodyguard to some of the world’s most famous musicians.
Mauricio Pochettino, Tottenham Hotspur – Male model turned bullfighter
Known throughout the world of beauty for his rugged, even beastly good looks, alternate world Mauricio Pochettino would have enjoyed a successful male modelling career throughout his late teens and 20s.
However, unfulfilled by the superficial world of standing around in his briefs for hours on end, the Argentinian would have looked for a more adrenaline-inducing career in his 30s, trying his hand at cliff diving and surfing before eventually choosing bull fighting.
Throughout his career in the bullring, Poch would hold an imperious record despite being increasingly conflicted over the cruelty of his new endeavour.
Eventually, this confliction would lead him to retire and open a bull sanctuary in his home in Argentina.
Marco Silva, Watford – Playboy and heir to air freshener fortune
Spoiled, petulant and accustomed to the good life, Watford manager would have been a playboy and heir to an air freshener fortune in a separate life.
Not one to shy away from the cameras, this version of Silva would likely have starred in numerous reality TV shows, possibly called The Heirs of Lisbon or Spoiled Boys of Portugal, leading him to become a major celebrity in his homeland.
At the height of his fame, however, Silva would have to give up his life of fame after his father’s untimely retirement as a result of a yachting accident would force him to take over the family business.
Tony Pulis, West Bromwich Albion – TV licence inspector
A by-the-books manager who takes no prisoners and gets result, Tony Pulis would have taken this spirit to his parallel universe job as a television licence inspector.
Known in his bureau as one of the toughest inspectors around, Pulis would mercilessly hunt down the “cheapskates” who refused to do their bit for the BBC, and even shame them by posting their details online.
Despite his straight-laced exterior and thousands of successful closed cases, Pulis would – unbeknownst to his superiors – go his entire life without once paying his own licence fee, something he would consider a badge of honour.
Slaven Bilic, West Ham United – Misunderstood artist
A man whose talent is equalled only by the driving force within his tortured soul, Slaven Bilic would most certainly have gone down the route of a misunderstood artist had he chosen a life away from football.
Passionate, skillful and possessing the fiery eyes of a ancient preacher, Bilic would be the first to pronounce his own genius throughout a life of struggles and constant creation, though few would listen.
He would live out his days as if attempting to recreate the beatnik scene pioneered by Jack Kerouac and his band of cohorts, and would unfortunately face his ultimate demise at the age of 70 after a fight over an unkind critique of his most recent painting.
Despite a cruel life, Bilic would eventually find posthumous fame and go on to be considered the greatest artist of his generation a mere 15 years after his death.
Honourable mentions for currently unemployed coaches
Alan Pardew – Nightclub owner/promoter
Tim Sherwood – PE teacher
Sam Allardyce – Pub landlord
David Moyes – Door-to-door salesman
