Hello people of 2017, I write to you from 50 years in the future.
Actually I don’t write to you at all. Writing and reading have long since died, with people now only receiving and distributing new information through Facebook videos. Fortunately, someone back in 2017 has just typed this up on my behalf.
Anyway, today is a special day. In a matter of hours the football players of the Cook Islands and Djibouti kick off the first 2067 Fifa World Cup, in association with Qatar Space Travel.
Now before IÂ go any further – I know what you’re thinking. 2067? A World Cup year?
Although it might seem strange to you and your fragile, un-microchipped little brains, the tournament to determine Earth’s greatest footballing nation no longer takes place every four years – and you lot are partly to blame for this!
You see, after your Fifa decided to expand the amount of teams in the tournament to 48, the idea of sticking with any form of tradition was abandoned in favour of making loads more money. As a result, it now takes place every six months and is open to every country that still exists. This way, Fifa can maximise profits from Facebook Live broadcasts – it would’ve been TV broadcasts in your day – and lucrative sponsorship deals.
This tournament also takes place on the planet of Murdlio, which wasn’t discovered until 2041 (incredible things, those blackholes).
At first, there was opposition to taking the World Cup to a far-flung planet in an entirely different star constellation. The gravitational pull on Murdlio is completely different to that of Earth, and there were concerns that this wouldn’t be conducive to attractive football. The vastly superior atmospheric pressure of the planet also means that players can’t survive without their specially-adapted Nike playing suits – a point that became alarmingly clear when players of two Chinese Super League sides attempted to swap suits at the end of an exhibition match played on the planet in 2059.
Despite further concerns about its searing temperatures and the fact that many of its inhabitants don’t really care much about the sport of football, Fifa mysteriously decided to press ahead and award the tournament to the distant, oil-rich planet.
Now, if you’re English, you’re probably wondering if your country will ever get to host the tournament again. Good news: it does, and it’s not too far in your future.
As you’ll soon discover, the United States won the right to host the 2026 tournament. Years before this, President Donald Trump (with what was later proven to be lots of help from Vladimir Putin) won his second election campaign, earning the right to a another term in the Oval Office. During this second term, Trump declared on something called ‘Twitter’ that he’d made up a rule that would allow him to stay on as President for as long as he wanted to. Despite repeatedly being told that this was illegal, he refused to hold the 2024 presidential elections and just carried on.
Because of this, Trump was still the Leader of the Free World in 2026. Unfortunately, by this stage he’d imposed strict rules which stated that people from other countries were banned from entering US borders, and so the World Cup couldn’t be staged on US soil after all. As a result, England stepped in, playing host to the World Cup for the first time in 60 years and making it all the way to the last 32.
Sadly for you Englishmen, this was a rare highlight in what’s now over a century of major tournament failures.
Such was the influx of foreign players into the Premier League, English footballing talent became increasingly rare. Eventually, no young English players were coming through at all. With the FA hugely miscalculating the building costs of a third Wembley, it was eventually decided that money that had previously been spent on grassroots schemes and youth development should be redirected towards the new national stadium.
Because of this, England managers have had to continually pick the same players for over half a century. Even now, with the first of 2067’s two tournaments just hours away, a debate is raging back home as to whether an 81-year-old Wayne Rooney (whose limbs are now entirely robotic) is worthy of starting as England’s defensive midfielder ahead of a more youthful 75-year-old Jack Wilshere.
As a result, nobody’s expecting much from England in the weeks ahead. Not when they’ve been drawn in the same group as fourteen-time winners China, anyway.
It looks like the opening ceremony will soon begin. Already, I can see Sepp Blatter – yes, *the* Sepp Blatter (or what’s left of him) – taking his seat.
Almost all evidence compiled by US investigators against members of the Fifa which Blatter had run was destroyed when President Trump inadvertently reduced America to a nuclear wasteland in 2029 (he thought the red button underneath his Oval Office desk recorded live TV).
With not enough evidence to suggest that anyone did anything wrong during Blatter’s time as Fifa president, he successfully ran for the role again a year later. Now 130, Blatter’s bodiless head peers out from the Krang-like mechanical, life-preserving suit that will allow him to oversee football for at least another century.
Anyway, it’s starting now. I’d better be off.
