For reasons unknown, football supporters appear to have ignored the ever-so-helpful world of Google Reviews.
Unbeknown to many of us, thousands of enormously considerate members of the public have been beavering away over the last few years, using the five-star system to post their opinions of the many different football stadiums up and down the land.
Having spent a surprisingly long amount of time wading through these reviews, we’ve gathered together a collection of 20 of them, one for each current Premier League ground.
Some of the reviews are more amusing than others, but we hope this very important piece of journalism opens your eyes to how wonderful the world of Google Reviewing football stadiums truly is…
The Emirates (Arsenal)
No title in over a decade… A 10-2 aggregate battering at the hands of Bayern Munich in the Champions League… But hey, who gives a shit when you’ve got a stadium that can offer short bar and toilet lines and plenty of space for your half-time snacks? #WengerIn
‘**** Well organised so walk straight in and short lines for bar and toilet with plenty of perching place to eat/drink standing up during half-time’
The Vitality Stadium (Bournemouth)
Be warned. This is not the place to go if you’re the kind of football fan that likes to admire the work of ‘high classed cleaners’.
‘* The food and the amount of rubbish on the hallways is terrible please get high classed cleaners’
Turf Moor (Burnley)
Absolutely world class when it comes to hosting joint 18th and 60th birthday parties. Ain’t that right John and Cath Dunn?
‘***** My wife and I were guests at a joint 18th and 60th birthdays on 19th November, 2016 held in the James Hargreaves suite. There was approx. 200 guests and I would just like to pass on my thanks to the staff who were brilliant. The bar staff were so efficient and friendly with nothing too much trouble. The catering was also first class and as before nothing was an effort, they just got on with it with a nice smile. The food (potato pie, cheese & onion pie, sausage and bacon sandwiches were also top drawer, better than some restaurants I have eaten in. So credit to all concerned on making it a great evening. John & Cath Dunn’
Stamford Bridge (Chelsea)
Quite possibly the most helpful hooligan ever, Tommy here has taken the trouble to review Stamford Bridge for those looking for a bit of alcohol-fuelled football related violence. Bless.
‘***** Repekt the Chelski mob alot, always up for a scrap got a few broozes from here in recnt yrs. Hilight is wen me Pete nd a cople lines of sherbert got us into propa troble, we we’re offf our hed from one to meny bevis and we took on rent bois and I wok up in whipps agen Hahahahahah Top Mob wood fight agen’
Selhurst Park (Crystal Palace)
Not even a freshly-painted Selhurst Park with the smell of poppers drifting across the terraces was enough to secure more than a 2/5 rating from Andrew Groves. A damn shame.
‘** Newly painted and smelt oddly of poppers as someone noted on my last visit.’
Goodison Park (Everton)
An average rating of 4.3 sounds quite impressive for Goodison Park… then you see shit like this from Frank. If that’s what a 5 star review looks like, heaven knows what kind of stuff’s being said for some of the 1 star reviews.
‘***** Terrible pepole stadium like shed itssimple dont go’
KCOM Stadium (Hull)
What with their open dislike of the club owners and relegation worries, fans of Hull City have enough on their plates at the minute. But chins up, Tigers fans, you’ve got a bloody lovely kids’ play area right next door to the KCOM. How many other Premier League clubs can say that?
‘*** stadium itself is plain but the park near by is great for the kids’
King Power Stadium (Leicester City)
Forget their Premier League-winning football of 2015/16, when it comes to donuts, Leicester City need to get their fucking acts together.
‘Donuts were a piece of crap of your grandmother’
Anfield (Liverpool)
Fucking hell, Steve. Perhaps you should mark them down for not letting you bring your own armchair in from home or for not playing Martin Tyler’s commentary over the PA system?
‘*** Great stadium, but only 3 as match day lacked announcement of goal scorers and substitutions. Also missing replay video screens.’
The Etihad (Manchester City)
There were a few interesting reviews for The Etihad. Out of all of them, we’ve decided to show you the one written by Li Luyang, an individual who quite clearly struggles when it comes to thinking of ‘Roses are red’ poems in the run up to Valentine’s Day…
‘***** Barcelona is brilliant, Real Madrid is great, but none of them matters, because Manchester City is home. We are Manchester City.’
Old Trafford (Manchester United)
Stefan could’ve just written something about how comfortable/uncomfortable the seats were, or how impressed he was with the wide range of club merchandise available in the Megastore….
Instead, he used his Google Review to express his disappointment that Sir Alex Ferguson will one day die.
‘***** Home of the Greatest Football Club of All Time! I do wish Sir Alex were immortal, though. But everything is impermanent and we will have to face the UPS and downs for all of eternity. That’s football. That’s life.’
‘That’s football, that’s life’ indeed.
Riverside Stadium (Middlesbrough)
Not much to go at in the way of reviews for the Riverside. This, though, is the sort of thing that’ll inspire a commemorative away shirt a century from now…
‘*** 2nd cheapest pint in the premier league’
bet365 Stadium (Stoke)
Probably the only church in the land to have negotiated naming rights with a betting company…
‘***** This is my church, many gods stay there.’
St. Mary’s (Southampton)
Yeah, the football might’ve been shite for Paul Bolwell, but give the man a bottle of mineral water and a nice toilet and you’ve bagged yourself a four-star rating.
‘**** Could have been a better experience – the team played awful. Nice bottle of Hildon water though, toilets and venue up there as one of the top tier football venues.’
Stadium of Light (Sunderland)
As if David Moyes’ side don’t have enough things to worry about with relegation looming large…
‘** Cheesy chips what a joke?!!! [wind/fart emoji]’
Liberty Stadium (Swansea City)
We’re not sure what the ‘fun shop’ is, but we sincerely hope this is a reference to the sale of Cyril the Swan replicas and not actual children.
‘***** Didn’t went inside but the venue looks great from outside. Swansea club mascots can be bought in the fun shop.’
White Hart Lane (Tottenham Hotspur)
We don’t know who ‘Mush’ is. Nor do we know why Connor here felt the need to belt out his entire review in block capitals… What we do know, however, is that when White Hart Lane closes its doors for the final time in a few weeks, its curry pies will be sorely missed by all.
‘***** OYEAH MUSH BRILLIANT BEER AND THE PIES ARE BLOODY DELICIOUS MATE…… I RECOMEND THE CURRY ONE SHAME WE LOST THOUGH’
Vicarage Road (Watford)
We *think* this reviewer means this as a compliment to Troy Deeney. Either way, it’s bagged Watford’s stadium a five star rating, which we’re sure you’ll agree is all kinds of ‘SMASH FACE SEXXXY’.
‘***** TROY DEEENY SMASH FACE! SEXXXY’
Hawthorns (West Bromwich Albion)
If high foyer and washroom ceilings are top of your list of things to see in a football stadium, the Hawthorns is the ground for you.
‘***** excellent place to watch football with top-notch, knowledgable home supporters. unique to any of the other grounds i have visited – most notably for its high ceilings in the foyer and washrooms, a club shop second to none, and a friendly helpful stadium staff. from the singing of “psalm 23” that celebrates a baggies’ goal to the dry black country wit that pervades throughout the crowd, visiting the hawthorns is a first-rate football experience.’
London Stadium (West Ham)
As West Ham fans have made quite clear since the move from Upton Park, the London Stadium will never really feel like home until the club address the lack of gluten free options available to supporters.
‘**** Nice , easy to get to and from , food is a bit pricey and there isn’t any gluten free option .’
