Episode 7 – Italian Week.
It was a heated episode of GBBO this week, in every sense of the word because the bakers were literally boiling. Prue melted into a porous glob and Noel had to be fought off from feasting upon her ample yet gloopy bosom.
As expected from Italian Week, the bakers had to bake Italian things like Cannoli, pizza and another thing that nobody outside of Italy has ever heard of nor can correctly pronounce or spell.
There’s probably a few things that went over your head with all the excitement. Relax, I’ve taken note.
1. The judges and presenters provided us with a colour blindness test
Paul, Prue, Noel and Sandi aren’t just here to treat us with a delightful and wholesome televisual experience, they’re also interested in looking after our eyes. Colour blindness affects 1 in 12 men and 1 in 200 women worldwide. GBBO has an average viewing of around 9 million people per episode, so it seems a waste to simply ignore those staggering figures by solely showing baked goods. Instead, the fantastic foursome have sacrificed their fashion sense all in the name of eye testing.
Each of the four wore a different (and also sufficiently arresting) colour. This is sure to have commenced many a talking point in homes across the nation. Through the means of conversation, families, friends and loved ones would’ve been able to deduce who has been suffering from colour blindness based on their individual reactions to the above garments. It’s genius. Statistically, at least four Dads remarked that Noel’s shirt ‘wasn’t that bad’ last night and have now been successfully diagnosed with colour blindness.
2. It was half pasta four
Stunning pun aside, I’ve always wondered what time of day they film GBBO at. Is it very early in the morning? Is it lunchtime? Is it the afternoon? Is it late at night but they’re using sophisticated lighting techniques to make it seem like it’s during the day? Well thankfully, last night my query was put to rest as Noel displayed a means of timekeeping. The Pasta Clock made its GBBO debut and I can’t remember what life was like before I’d ever seen it.
The clock let us in on a little secret: It was 4.30. Assumedly in the afternoon but also maybe in the morning. The shadows on the shelves behind Noel appear to be from the sun, but modern television lighting has come a long way. It’s entirely possible that we’re being tricked. The contestants all complained that it was too warm in the tent, but it could’ve been artificial heat. GBBO needs to address these rumours before it gets out of hand. WHAT TIME ARE THEY FILMING AT? IS IT POSSIBLE FOR THEM TO GET A DIGITAL PASTA CLOCK TO REMOVE ALL CONFUSION GOING FORWARD?
3. Sandi and Stacey watched Frozen
LOL JK. Midway through last night’s Cannoli challenge, the camera caught Sandi and Stacey burying their heads in the freezer in a bid to get some much needed cold air into their lungs. It was hard not to feel sorry for the bakers as they tried to produce baking wizardry in what we were constantly reminded was a very warm tent. Perhaps filming GBBO in the dead of summer set in a tent isn’t a great idea? Although it provides a stunning backdrop, it would be equally as appealing to see snow on the grass outside were they to film in winter.
It’s difficult to feel sorry for the bakers when it’s currently October and roughly 10°C outside. They’re living in the past, back at a time where Harvey Weinstein hadn’t yet been exposed as a repulsive creep and Freddos still cost 25p but it was too sunny to be fully upset about it. I propose that they do a winter edition of GBBO, where every bake must be accompanied by a hot chocolate and an even hotter hot water bottle. Love Island had the good sense to take place live in the summer, so why can’t GBBO follow suit? Why can’t everything just be like Love Island?
4. Steven was caught with a large amount of cocaine at his workstation
An air of shock befell the GBBO tent last night when Steven was caught with what looks like at least 2kg of cocaine at his workstation. Noel, Prue and Paul descended upon his area immediately for questioning, at which point they completely glossed over the cocaine situation and inquired about his showstopper. Nobody said a word about the enormous amount of cocaine sitting idly by. Perhaps they thought it was flour – a very common baking ingredient.
Either way, Steven got away with it. Not only did he avoid imprisonment, but he also was *SPOILER ALERT* awarded star baker this week. The judges were completely oblivious to his dangerous and illegal activities. At this point, we need to ask ourselves: are GBBO contestants above the law? Do they not suffer the same consequences of crime as you and I? We’re living in 2017, the world has descended into utter chaos and now our beloved GBBO participants are getting away with blatant drug possession.
5. There was another gratuitous shot of a phallic sculpture
There’s at least one phallic appearance on GBBO each week and to be quite honest, I am living for it at the moment. This week’s phallus came courtesy of Steven, who was baking the exact same thing as everyone else yet for some reason felt the need to shape his into the exact shape of a penis. The shatterproof ruler didn’t seem hugely necessary either, which added to the absolute scenes that we were experiencing. His elongated slab of pastry barely fits on the chopping board. Respect.
I have a theory that the GBBO contestants are purposely producing at least one dick-shaped item each week to guarantee airtime. At the end of the day, there can be only one winner. The rest of them need to make their mark somehow. Personally, I’m still thinking about Juila’s little smiling penis creature from a few weeks ago, with which we were absolutely spoiled by getting to see it from a multitude of camera angles. The fact is, if you can’t win GBBO, you’ll be widely regarded as a hero if you mould your baked goods into penis shapes.
6. The bakers shared the artwork for their upcoming album
Brace yourselves because the most fire album of 2017 is about to drop. That’s right, the GBBO bakers are turning their culinary gifts to the music industry because one can simply never have too many talents. Yan, Stacey, Kate, Steven, Liam and Sophie have put together twelve tracks that are sure to transcend the typical expectations of space and time. They’ll be covering artists such as The Scone Roses, Adam CroissAnt, Radiobread and Flambéevid Gray.
The artwork itself is stunning. It may look like the bakers were simply taking a breather on the lawn after the showstopper challenge and someone has senselessly added a parental advisory logo, but that is incorrect. This was a carefully thought out aesthetic that took years to plan. The bakers opted for their typical apron rig outs, with Steven and Stacey adding sunglasses because they are the moodiest ones in the group. ‘Bake It Til You Make It’ will hit shops in time for Christmas 2017. Preorder is available now.
All images via Channel 4
