Episode 3 – Robots.
It was another deeply cringe episode of The Apprentice last night, which is the main selling point of the show at this stage and that’s hard to fault.
We’re only three episodes into this series but already the bickering is at an insufferable level and I have now concluded that they’re all idiots and nobody deserves to win.
The entire thing was cringe, but I’ve narrowed it down to nine of the most cringe moments I found particularly special.
1. One of the robots looked identical to Lord SugarÂ
The groups were introduced to some sample robots which they would be selling during the task and everyone was in a giddy mood. The hijinks clearly distracted them from the blatant fact that one of those robots was modelled on Lord Sugar. Look at the beady eyes, receding hairline and tiny torso, then look the robot. It’s a full-scale model of the business mogul, but nobody seemed to notice or address the glaring similarities between the two. If we’re at a stage in the technological world where a reality television personality is being transformed into robot form thereby immortalising them, we need to think very carefully about who’s next. My vote goes to Phillip Schofield and following that, Dermot O’Leary.
2. Siobhán called Elizabeth an ‘old air bag’
They weren’t in the taxi two full minutes before tensions started to skyrocket, whereby Elizabeth gave a grossly unnecessary speech about how they all needed to be confident in what they’re doing so that they could accurately inform each other of what needs to be done. Siobhán was visibly having none of it, and muttered “Listen to your own advice, Elizabeth”, at which point Elizabeth asked what that meant and Siobhán quickly shut the conversation down by calling her an ‘old air bag’. It’s a brilliant insult because firstly it suggests that Elizabeth is an important safety device that can prove vital in a car accident and has been known to save lives, but then clarifies that she’s referring to an old one, meaning she’s completely useless and will likely cause a death due to her ageing properties.
3. This grown man had 90s boyband hair
All credit to him, he was showing the team a flying robot that he’d invented, so he’s obviously a massive genius. However, his hair was something that merits a quick line in this piece because it was a bit too cool for school. The dude’s overall demeanour was that of a quirky inventor, but his hair led him astray. That is the hairstyle of a 16-year-old heartthrob who has released four songs and his own range of Pogs in 1995. He deserves worldwide recognition, posters on bedroom walls, novelty lunch boxes, a movie about a trip to Paris which had numerous endearing mishaps such as missing his flight due to getting distracted by the cuddly toys in the Duty Free. You deserve better, hairstyle.
4. One of the teams invented a brand new way to spell Jeffrey
We’ve all seen it spelled like Jeffrey, heck we’ve even seen Geoffrey, but The Apprentice is now proud to introduce Jeffrii – a totally unnecessary revamp of the spelling of a previously sufficiently spelled name. When Andrew proudly announced this revolutionary way to spell Jeffrey, he was met with some trepidation from the others. But good old Andy put those fears to bed with his simple explanation about how “a lot of this new technology has ‘I’ in it”. With that incredible thought process made clear, the group went with it and never looked back. Jeffrii was born. Then subsequently died when the rest of the team found out about it.
5. The team weren’t happy with Jeffrii, so changed the robot’s name to Siimon instead because that’s much better??
Yes, the problem was definitely the name ‘Jeffrii’ and not the ridiculous way in which they’ve spelled it. What a stroke of genius from Michaela’s side of the team to then change it to ‘Siimon’, a means of spelling the name Simon that somehow manages to make it look like the typist rested their finger on the ‘I’ key for a smidge too long. Truly, this is the decision that will win the task for them. You could practically smell the boardroom bickering at this point. “Lord Sugar, we knew Jeffrii was a dumb name so we changed it to Siimon and frankly we should’ve won this task based on that genius decision alone”.
6. Siobhán fully believes that the past tense of ‘undermine’ is ‘underminded’
The first time she said it, I decided to let it slip. Perhaps Siobhán had misspoken, it’s a high-intensity situation to be put in and everyone makes mistakes. However when we reached the third time that Siobhán said ‘underminded’, it became apparent that she had just invented a brand new word. The past tense of undermine is obviously undermined, but it will be exciting to see if anyone ever cracks and tells Siobhán about her inaccuracy. I’m not opposed to using the word ‘underminded’ going forward, however it’s probably more to do with a neglectful babysitter than Siobhán’s intended use.
7. Approximately 24 minutes into last night’s episode, Karren Brady visibly lost the will to live
It was during the girls’ first pitch of the day, when they tried to sell a robot that fell over three times whilst trying to perform some karate moves. The whole meeting was a mess, with the girls interrupting each other, stumbling over their words and generally making it quite obvious that they hadn’t a clue about robotics. We were treated to a classic Brady stink face and can only assume that she wrote down a notice of her leaving the show in her snitch notebook shortly afterwards. Truly, Claude and Karren are the true heroes on The Apprentice. The shite they have to listen to must be insufferable. At least we get to see the edited version.
8. The contestants revealed themselves to be illiterate
Aside from reinventing the spelling of both Jeffrey and Simon, the contestants proved on last night’s show that they also struggle with ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. Unless the intended sentence above was ‘You are helping hand for life’, they’ve absolutely fucked it. Given that I spend roughly all of my time on the internet, I’m no stranger to the ongoing epidemic surrounding the spelling of ‘you’re’ in this country, but it was equally as alarming to see it on the television, where a number of people gave it the go-ahead before it was printed. Truly, before we get to working on unnecessary things such as another Avatar movie, we should really be pooling our resources into education.
9. The café where they always go to fight had an incredible offer on and nobody availed of it
Corned beef, chips and beans for £4.80 AND NOT ONE OF THESE SELF ABSORBED BUSINESS DORKS AVAILED OF IT. That’s a steal for such high-quality produce and these eight muppets sat there with tea and coffee putting the staff through having to listen to them all arguing again like they do every week. All of that delicious goodness for less than £5 and they ignored it. It’s disgusting. They’re sitting around a table preparing to go into battle in the boardroom and not one of them decided to invest in some sustenance. None of these chumps deserves to win. They don’t care about anyone but themselves. I hope they all die.
All images via BBC
