Week 2.
Alright, I’ll bite. This show is perfect.
It combines the entertaining spectacle that is baking with our favourite celebrities doing their best to impress a tangerine villain and the result is televisual gold.
If it wasn’t for Celebrity GBBO, we never would’ve known that Nick Hewer is absolute garbage at doing anything in the kitchen.
We also wouldn’t kno that the young guy from Diversity isn’t above backflipping for bonus points with the judges.
Last night’s episode was a joy. Here’s what you missed.
Stacey Solomon made TRIANGULAR scones because she is an absolute lunatic who cannot be tamed
Triangular scones? What’s next, Rice Krispie circles? Stacey Solomon is a lunatic. We got to know her when she was on The X Factor series six and it was clear from the outset that this woman was a lunatic. She did crazy things such as being a bit funny and saying “Oh my God” a lot. Then she cruised through I’m A Celeb to be crowned the queen of the jungle and now she’s on GBBO doing such insanities as cutting a bloody scone into a triangle. We’ve got a real live wire on our hands here. Lock this woman up, she is a danger onto society and herself.
The guy from Diversity did a backflip because of course he did
It’s part and parcel of being in a dance troupe like Diversity that you’re going to be expected to do backflips on demand. Hollywood requested one from Perri earlier in the show, but he refused, stating that he’d only perform a backflip if he got a golden handshake for his bakes. Well, Hollywood practically threw himself at Perri for a handshake after his first bake to get a look at his gravity defying party piece. Perri backflipped his way to victory and now Diversity have thrown him out of the group for improper conduct. Just like martial arts, you must not use your dance powers recklessly in the outside world.
It turns out that Nick Hewer cannot bake for shit
Prue rightfully described the above as “it looks just like a cowpat” and she’s not far wrong. Everyone else managed to follow the scant instructions to the best of their ability, but Nick somehow made absolute shite of it. Look at the state of that. Nick, you’ve been a snitch on The Apprentice and now you present countdown. You’re a respected man. Surely you could’ve read a quick leaflet about how to bake things before you entered the tent. You’ve let yourself down, you’ve let your family down and most importantly, you’ve let Britain down.
Paul Hollywood broke the rules to help Nick out
Yes, I know it’s for charity, but rules are rules. Hollywood isn’t allowed to roll up his sleeves and get stuck in. It’s forbidden and I won’t let it happen. I don’t care that Nick Hewer, as we’ve just learned, cannot bake for shit. That’s not Paul Hollywood’s problem. Nick had tried to make choux pastry four times before Paul intervened, but I still disagree with the intervention. Let Nick attempt the pastry 500 times for all I care. This is television, I want to be entertained. If I wanted to see a professional baker at it, I’d watch a Seth Rogen movie.
In addition to not being able to bake, Nick Hewer also cannot pipe for shit
Illegal assistance from Hollywood aside, Nick was the breakout star of last night’s Celebrity GBBO. He persevered through adversity and didn’t allow his lack of baking skills to get in the way. He kept going, for pride more so than anything else. Even though his bakes were appalling, he still tried to pipe them full of cream like a champ. Evidently, his piping skills were also abysmal, but he stuck with it. We rarely get to see such an epic failure on GBBO, so we should be grateful to them for sticking a complete amateur into the mix so that we can truly appreciate the talent that has been in the tent.
Perri’s self-portrait was uncanny
He was a very deserving winner after producing an uncanny profiterole sculpture of himself. Last week, we saw Harry Hill’s attempt at making a Camilla Parker Bowles biscuit, but the bar was raised significantly higher by Perri from Diversity last night. Look at that smile, the tuft of hair, the glasses. It’s like looking into a mirror. The profiterole Perri is on the left, in case that isn’t entirely obvious. He’s only 22, but the kid has mad skills both on and off the dance floor. Good lad.
Stacey’s unicorn croquembouche was uncanny
Stacey, as if it needs labelling, made a unicorn croquembouche. You can very clearly see the legs, tail, mane and horn. She’s nailed it. The two images pictured above are completely identical. They will probably print it in an activity book for a Spot The Difference game, but there are clearly no differences between any of them whatsoever. It is a trick game. Stacey Solomon can sing, she can present, she can be an absolute lunatic and now she is very clearly a baking expert.
Ricky’s microphone croquembouche was also uncanny
It’s starting to seem as though these celebrities have never seen themselves, mystical creatures or equipment before because their reconstructions are diabolical. There, I said it. I can’t pretend any longer. These croquembouches are all garbage. Is it too much to ask that we get to see some decent baking on Celebrity GBBO? I don’t tune in for the witty back and forth, I want to see some exceptional baking by these celebrities to prove that they truly do have it all. Ricky, what has happened here mate? What kind of microphones have you been using? That’s the World Cup trophy you’ve made there. If you’d told Paul and Prue that that was your intention all along, maybe you would’ve won.
Nick’s showstopper was an absolute shitshow, but bless him, he tried
Look at that. It was supposed to be a tribute to Countdown, which it absolutely is, if the Countdown set was burnt down and there were spare letters strewn about the place and for some reason, a spattering of cocktail sticks. Nick Hewer cannot bake, we know that now. That is an ironclad fact that we will all individually come to terms with over the coming days, weeks and even months. But he was a good sport and he was very funny about it all. Celebrities are truly just like you and I. Perhaps many of us can bake better than Nick Hewer, which in turn means that we are better than a celebrity at one tiny thing. Huzzah!
Images via Channel 4
