But is it ‘lit’?
It’s not often that I get to provide a valuable service to you, dear reader, but today is one of those days. I get to do exactly that. I have taken the time to painstakingly analyse the world’s worst/most hated/most cringeworthy music video about things being lit.
Here is a short taster, just so you know the true extent of what we’re dealing with here:
https://twitter.com/jrdnrzk/status/977512005744513024
Yeah. I mean… yeah. This is real. This needs dealing with. Without further ado, I present to you ‘The Lit-mus Test’.
Not the one invented by Spanish physician Arnaldus de Villa Nova in 1300 AD – god bless Wikipedia – but the one invented by me, just now, to analyse in painstaking detail whether a rich girl’s terrible homemade music video has any redeeming features. Any at all.
Come with me now down the rabbit hole as we freefall past all the stages of ‘lit’: from ‘extremely lit’ and ‘very, very lit’ to ‘the exact opposite of lit’, with a quick stop at ‘the Schrödinger’s cat of lit-ness’ along the way. Here we go.
Extremely lit – The universal concept of friendship
“I’m so lit… She’s my best friend”. Quite frankly if you don’t agree with that statement you are a complete and utter monster, you are heartless and you do not deserve happiness. The most lit thing in the video. Extremely lit.
Very, very lit thing – This guy
Top left. You see him. There he is. Mr.Cool up there. Just chilling. Just hanging. Just hanging out.
Yeahhhhhhhh. Very. Very. Lit. Boy is it lit up there.
Here he is again, being lit, owning that bookshelf.
In a word: lit. The second most lit thing.
Pretty lit, to be fair – Eating wraps
Yeah. Wraps are good, aren’t they? Wraps are pretty lit. Make sure you point at them, though.
Also quite lit – This other guy
He’s twerking. Haha. He’s a big guy in shorts and he shouldn’t be twerking but he’s twerking anyway. Lol. He doesn’t care. He just doesn’t care. Love it.
Maybe a bit lit under the right circumstances but can’t say for sure – Taco Bell?
I dunno really. Never been. Could be fun I suppose. Maybe lit. The Schrödinger’s Cat of lit-ness.
Semi-lit – Meaningful audience engagement
It’s always good to provoke something in your fans, to really draw something deep and meaningful out of them. It means so much to them they HAVE to share it in the comment section. Sometimes art can just do that to a person. It’s fairly lit. (This is art btw, make sure to comment).
Actually, no, sorry, not lit. Not lit at all – Taco Bell
Sorry. Sorry about that. Taco Bell is clearly not lit.
Oh fucking hell, no.
Taco Bell is clearly not.
Nicely lit – Similes
Similes are nice, like a candle, like a nice candle, like a really fucking lovely candle. But it caps out at nice you see, because candles can only be nice. You can’t get a spectacular candle. They’re just all scented wax and tall and that. Nice is the very top for candles.
Just about lit – Flexin’ on your haters
Yeah do it. By all means, please do flex and or stunt on your haters.
Please, honestly, feel free. We all need to rinse our haters now and then. Just do it better than this.
Yeah I am actually. I am tryna hate. I’m succeeding, actually.
Absolutely no idea whether lit or not but presumably not lit – Whatever the fuck this is meant to be
Didn’t ask, didn’t want to know, don’t know what it is, don’t care enough to find out, it looks like a chewable dog toy. Similes. Yeah. Nicely lit, unlike a quesarito.
Not lit – This guy
Can you spot him? Yes, of course you can spot him, he is the sorest thumb in a barrel of sore thumbs.
Yeah, him. Stop that. Stop that now. Stop it. Get rid of those SoulCal joggers. Now piss off. Good.
Very not lit – Telling people you are lit, ok, ok, ok
Just don’t do it. Just refrain from doing that even if you really, really believe it. Don’t.
Very, very not lit – Telling people you are lit whilst this all this is going on
Not lit.
ALSO THIS GUY
The same, but slightly worse.
Extremely not lit – Audible snoring
To all my sleep-deprived homies out there: we feel you. Extremely not lit.
Super not lit – Phone-calls to corporate
Fucking nightmare aren’t they. Absolute ball-ache. When they start barking down the phone = the girl’s face on the left.
The exact opposite of lit – Dropping your phone down the toilet after stumbling in from a night out, repeatedly. Like several times over. It’s costing you loads. You’re sick of it.
It’s. Not. Lit. At. All.
Beyond unlit/different universe entirely/the most least lit thing to ever exist – BEIGE CHINOS GUY
HERE.
HE.
IS.
Dressed like a 2004 Topman mannequin, here he is. It’s beige chinos guy! And he’s called Danny, or Steph or Rupert but he abbreviates it to Ru, and he’s hear to tell you how Inside In/Inside Out is “his best album”, and nudge you on MSN, and he’s captain of the cricket team, and he thinks water balloons are banter, and he thinks porn is banter, and he thinks everything is banter, especially all his mates, all in a circle, all being banter, all the time, and now he wants to join in, he wants to up the ante, he wants to be a part of it, he wants to feel lit, and he’s going to pull your tie, and he’s going to yank your tie so everyone laughs and he can be accepted and he, for just one pitiful second, can escape the hollow empty shell that he calls his life.
He looks at you like this.
He is not lit. He will never be lit. He is and always will be, the antithesis of lit. Goodbye.
