Week 4.
“Flames to dust, lovers to friends. Why do all good things come to an end?” – Queen Nelly Furtado.
This year’s epic instalment of celebrity GBBO came to a close last night, but not without delivering us the best episode of the series.
Alan Carr, Kadeena Cox, Aisling Bea and TERI HATCHERÂ took to their respective baking stations in a bid to impress the judges.
It was an epic tale of one woman’s quest for a handshake, one man’s quest to make something “edible” and one actress’ quest to steal the nation’s hearts.
Here’s everything important you missed on last night’s celebrity GBBO finale.
1. They got Teri bloody Hatcher on GBBO!
Teri Hatcher may not recognise her current self anymore as she’s now wearing glasses. “Who is this imposter?”, she likely said as she sat down to watch GBBO last night. This is because her Lois Lane tendencies are still very much present and deep-rooted in her psyche. Regardless, a hearty congratulations to GBBO for managing to snag THE Teri Hatcher on this series. What a treat for us viewers. It’s been quite some time since we’ve seen a real celebrity on Channel 4. The last was Gary Lineker in an ad for crisps a few years ago.
2. Aisling Bea said that her and Teri Hatcher were “like a bobsleigh team” and now that movie needs to be made immediately
I don’t care what kind of budget Hollywood is currently working with, I need to see a movie involving the Irish comedian and American actress playing slightly exaggerated versions of themselves as it follows their quest to successfully become the world’s #1 bobsleigh team. This is what we need right now. Not another superhero movie, not another story about a woman having sexual relations with a sea creature, we need Team Bea-Hatcher’s story to be represented on screen. I will stop at nothing until this gets made. Spielberg, call me.
3. Prue described Alan Carr’s muffins as “edible” and is therefore a savage
Prue coming in from the sideline with the most savage putdown we’ve seen on this series of GBBO. Alan went for a simple apple and walnut muffin bake and was rightfully berated for making such a simple treat, meanwhile Teri Hatcher was basically fitting a three course meal into a muffin case to his left. Prue went in on Alan after her and Paul described the muffins as “bland, dry and could use a bit more sweetness”, delivering her savage closing statement as “we are being unkind because they are edible”. Yes Prue, drag him to filth.
4. Aisling Bea became the first GBBO contestant to get a Hollywood Pinky
Her Guinness muffins were described as “they look hideous, but they taste amazing”, which meant that Paul Hollywood, the tangerine bread bandit, actually approved of something. Although he denied Aisling’s request for a handshake and Prue’s insistence on one, he settled for a pinky. It’s better than nothing, but unfortunately we’re now in a position where we’ve got to work out where on The Hollywood Scale a pinky lands, probably somewhere in between a handshake and a wink, but we can’t be certain. More to follow.
5. Teri Hatcher quickly adapted to British traditions as she bowed to the King and Queen of England
She might not be a British native, but Teri quickly got to grips with all necessary traditions. Upon presenting her showstopper to Prue and Paul, she then bowed to Noel Fielding and Sandi Toksvig, the official King and Queen of the United Kingdom. Such an act is a legal requirement every time someone bakes a cake in the UK. One must find their nearest Noel and Sandi, then bow to their valour. It’s a rule that’s been in place for over 400 years and one that the nation has grown to love. Well done Teri, you are a Brit now.
6. The cast of Rainbow have all aged terribly
After being tasked with baking a rainbow cake, Alan Carr took it very literally and make a Rainbow cake. It was sad to see how the characters have aged in the 21 years since they stopped filming the show, particularly seeing how debilitated Bungle has gotten. Zippy has clearly gone blind in recent years and George, all credit to him, is still absolutely killing it. Mad respect to Alan for getting the gang back together to pose on top of his entirely edible cake. We wish the Rainbow gang many more years of blissful retirement.
7. PAUL HOLLYWOOD GOT PIED!
It was the only fitting conclusion to the final episode of this year’s celebrity GBBO and I’m just glad we all got to share this special moment together. Sandi planted a giant cream pie on Paul Hollywood’s face and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt satisfaction quite like it. That’s what you get for denying Aisling Bea a handshake, you son of a gun. You’ve done well to escape getting pied up until now, but things have quite literally come to a head. Every episode of GBBO should end with Paul Hollywood getting pied. All in favour, say ‘aye’.
Images via Channel 4
