Kids back at school – thank heavens for that!!
Slowly but surely, commuting is descending into chaos once more. We’ve had a good summer, there were seats on the train, enough time to get a coffee before work, even a shorter queue in the deli at lunch. But wave goodbye to a peaceful life because everything is moments away from returning to shit as the kids are heading back to school.
The kids! Are back! At school! “Peace at last”, says Sue, 43. “Finally, I can have the house to myself again” – Jane, 36. “Might miss them to be honest… JOKES!” – Dean, 42.
As with any major world event, social media is going to be insufferable. Everyone goes hell for leather trying to carve out the perfect post to encapsulate the situation and garner the highly coveted achievement of getting more than six likes.
Here’s five ‘Back To School’ posts you’re unfortunately going to see on your timeline this week.
1. “Judy off to her first day of big school. Lots of tears! Proud Mummy <3”
Judy is entirely fine with heading off to “big school”, she’s not in any way phased by the situation at hand. But Mummy is. She’s been sobbing all morning, more at the dissatisfaction with her own life than with Judy being all grown up and ready to take on the world, one Dairylea Lunchables at a time. The caption “Lots of tears” is genius as it’s an authentic claim, although the tears didn’t belong to little Judy, but it implies that they did. ‘Judy must be crying because she is sad to leave her beloved Mum behind’, online folk will think, ‘She must be a terrific Mum, never resorts to frozen pizza for dinner when she’s too tired to cook’.
This photograph is one of 40 currently resting on Mum’s camera roll. She coaxed Judy into trying out a few different poses, one facing forward, one looking over the shoulder, but this one made the final cut because it seems sincere. A mobile hairdresser was drafted in for the occasion to get Judy looking smart, but that wasn’t credited in the caption, strangely enough. See that wrapper sticking out of Judy’s coat pocket? It’s a breakfast cereal bar. They overslept, there was no time to get a wholesome meal before school. Still, Facebook doesn’t need to know that.
2. “Daddy carrying Becky to school this morning – precious moments like these should last forever x”
“Precious moments like these should last forever”, yet Mummy spent the entire time trying to get a good photograph for Instagram so actually wasn’t present in the moment, but at least she’s got a viral post out of it, coming in fast and heavy with a swift 25 likes and the heart eyes emoji from Auntie Sue. They only posed like that for the photograph. Dad has a bad back, he’s not as nimble as he used to be. They walked hand-in-hand the rest of the way so he could scroll through Twitter and catch up on the stocks.
Becky wasn’t as chirpy at 7am as she is in the photograph. She had a cutesy little temper tantrum when she found out that school was back in session. Becky used her very first expletive, something she learned after overhearing Mummy’s hushed phone conversations in the car. It’s a startling moment when you first hear your child drop the C-bomb, certainly one that won’t be included in the caption of this image. Precious moments like those, indeed, should last forever.
3. “Just dropped these two off – glad to see the back of them! Bring on the vino 🙂 xx”
All credit to Cynthia, she’s not even kidding. She’s heading home to hit the Cabernet Sauvignon as soon as the cleaner finishes up. It’s not that she’s worried about what the cleaner will think, it’s just that he finishes up at midday and that seems like a reasonable time for wine. “Wine not?”, as Cynthia loves to say. Truth is, she didn’t even walk the kids all the way to school. That’s her Range Rover parked in the background. She hired a professional photographer to snap them right outside the school gate, just like the Beckhams do.
Sure, it’s all happiness and smiles in the moment captured above, but all is not how it seems. Daddy has been going on a lot of overseas business trips of late, if you get what I’m saying. He is cheating on Cynthia. She doesn’t mind, she’s happy to let him get up to mischief as long as he returns home and is good to her and the kids. It’s a special arrangement they have, so cast your narrow-minded judgement elsewhere. Just like her Facebook post and call over for wine, you insufferable gossip. Bring her a hairbrush as well.
4. “School days are the best days of your lives, or at least for us parents they are, ha ha!”
Hang on a second Nigel, you only have two children. Where is the surplus of two kids coming from in the above photograph? Have you borrowed some of the neighbours’ kids for the sake of a social media post, purely so you can emphasise how ecstatic you are that Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb are going to be out of your hair for a couple of hours, meaning you can return to playing Fortnite and eating share size bags of crisps without fear of being asked what time dinner is going to be ready at?
Sure, it’s all smiles and hand-holding now, but it wasn’t half an hour ago when you were trying to fit four children in the backseat of a Ford Focus, was it Nigel? Or trying to convince the boys to wear full length trousers since it’s raining. Or simply getting these morons to zip up their jackets so they won’t be spluttering with chest infections next week? Stop lying to everyone. More importantly, stop lying to yourself. You’re going to miss those imps. The house will feel empty when they’re gone. You’ll have no one to blame the biscuit tin being raided on anymore. It’s over for you, Nige.
5. “Opening doors today, slamming them tomorrow. My little girl is all grown up x”
Look into Katie’s eyes, she’s smiling now, but that’s after a hefty bribery crisis talk took place, whereby she was promised chocolate ice cream every night this week, plus one hour of Paw Patrol before bed every night. It’s a fair exchange, getting your own way so that Mummy can get a sweet photograph for Instagram. She’s been debating getting a puppy for the endless content it’ll provide, but this seems to do the trick for the moment. It’s not easily being a full-time undiscovered lifestyle blogger who shares every waking moment with her tens of followers.
Truthfully, Katie isn’t even at the right door for her classroom, that’s an emergency exit, but her Mum liked how the bold red clashed with her uniform and blue eyes. “It’s all about the aesthetic, honey”, she said as she dragged Katie, whimpering and tired, to the third location of the day. Is Katie even starting school today? Is that even her school? Wait a second, are her eyes emitting an almost audible cry for help? Do we need to intervene? Katie, sweetie, blink once for yes, twice for no. Katie. ARE YOU OKAY? IS SHE EVEN YOUR MOTHER? KATIE?
Disclaimer: These are all stock images. No fictional children were harmed in the making of this content. Cynthia’s husband probably isn’t cheating on her.
