Sound the ‘Elon Musk got blazed during a podcast’ siren
Elon Musk has appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast and quelled the concerns of a world that initially mistook him as a complete dork.
Musk has now proved, beyond all reasonable doubt, that he is indeed a massive legend. Just kidding, he absolutely fucked it.
Joe passed over the joint, which was perfectly legal as they were in California recording the podcast at the time, and Elon failed to inhale the devil’s mist like a champ.
Let’s dissect this momentous occurrence to verify that Elon Musk is wholly undeserving of the Archbishop of Banterbury crown.
Act I, Scene I – The Inquiry
Having just been informed that it is a joint *twice* and seeing that the item in question looks very much like a joint, Elon Musk, actual genius Elon Musk, has to clarify whether he is in the same room as a joint. “So is that a joint?”, he asks in his neutralised South African accent, instantly fixing his posture so as to throw viewers off the scent of his butt-clenching fear in that precise moment. Dozens of thoughts are rushing through his mind in Matrix-style graphics. What will the shareholders think? Will I actually have to smoke this? Is ‘joint’ a cool enough word to use? Should I have just said ‘spliff’ or ‘devil’s cigarette’? Has anyone worked out that an anagram for Elon Musk is ‘Omen sulk’ yet? The man needs answers, starting with the joint query.
Act I, Scene II – A Further Inquiry
Concerned with looking foolish, Elon tries to cover all bases in case he’s gotten the situation drastically wrong. He can practically smell the ensuing memes that will flood his timeline if he’s mistakenly identified a cigar as a joint. So which is the bigger risk? Seeming uncool for thinking a joint is a cigar, or thinking a cigar is a joint? Honestly, it’s the latter because it implies that he has never actually seen a joint before. Elon is an intelligent and accomplished man, but he also named one of his children after an X-Men character, so at this point in the interaction, it’s plausible but not yet believable that he has dabbled in narcotics. He’s aware that he needs to come out of this interaction looking cool, that much is clear by the expression on his face.
Act I, Scene III – The Bluff
Spoken with all the conviction of a teen that’s fraught with nerves at seeming frigid, Elon is assuring Joe Rogan that he has definitely fingered a girl on holidays tried a joint before. Let’s break this statement down because it gives some real insight into the art of lying to seem cool:
“Yeah” = Casual, colloquial. ‘Yes’ would be too formal, ‘Yep’ seems try-hard. ‘Yeah’ is the right level of chill for this interaction.
“I think” = Uncertain, but alludes to experience. Allows room for doubt, should his lie become exposed at a later date.
“I tried one” – Distant, yet specific. ‘Tried’ as opposed to ‘smoked’ because this whole concept must appear to be alien to Elon. ‘One’ to specify the amount and prevent insinuations of a habit.
“Once.” – Definitive. Removes the possibility for a discussion on the subject as it limits his alleged experience. Chill way of saying ‘No further questions as I will accidentally expose myself to be a fraud’.
Act II, Scene I – Reverse Psychology
After chuckling at Musk’s previous statement, Joe goads him into submission. The guy off screen says “Come on man”, which instigates a forced bout of laughter from Musk. Joe, eager to prevent a blatant bullying situation from arising, acts as though he is coming to Elon’s defence. “You probably can’t because of stockholders, right?”, allowing Musk to puss out but therefore admit that he is bound to his financiers’ judgement, or refute the statement to prove his independence by smoking the joint, but potentially harming his relationship with said shareholders, particularly the uncool ones. Rogan is a master at work in this instance. He drops the temptation, then rips a fat one off the joint and allows the smoke to fill both the air and Elon Musk’s thought process. He is both the villain and hero of this story.
Act II, Scene II – The Justification
Musk takes the bait, as Rogan looks on like a wild animal watching its prey arrive for slaughter. He smells the viral capacity of this podcast, he knows the think pieces will be fire, he is certain that some clown working for JOE.co.uk is going to deconstruct the entire interaction in excruciating detail. Musk has justified the experience before he’s even joined in. Every article will reference this statement, otherwise it’s inaccurate reporting. Systems are go. All cylinders are firing. He’s squinting at the joint with a different mindset now. It’s no longer the enemy, it’s his ticket to some sweet millennial respect.
Act III, Scene I – Visual Inspection
The joint has landed on planet Elon and contact has been made. He confidently takes the joint, which he initially mistook for a cigar, into his hands and holds it like a soggy breadstick at an all you can eat buffet. He’s dubious of the doobie. He wants to make sure that it doesn’t have a Toyota Prius logo on the side, or a tiny etching that says ‘Elon Musk is a crusty old fart’. Elon wants to double check that he’s not about to make a fool of himself, or get tricked into actually smoking a cigar in the ultimate prank that actually would’ve been far funnier than him smoking a joint, in retrospect. The man is deathly inquisitive. He’s on high alert. This could ruin everything.
Act III, Scene II – Nasal Inspection
Like a wine connoisseur eager to impress his French clients, Elon Musk smells the smoke being emitted from Joe Rogan’s joint. Having just stared intently at the contraband, it was the only logical move to follow. He could either sniff the joint, or lick it tenderly along the side. Musk has made the right choice. He has now established that it is a) definitely a joint and b) a perfectly legal endeavour to smoke it. Any last-ditch attempts from his PR team to prevent him from doing this are being given the space to happen. It’s now or never. There’s only one thing left to do. Musk is in deeper than initially intended.
Act IV, Scene I – MARIJUANA CONSUMPTION!!!
Elon! Musk! Smokes! The! Jazz! Cigarette! Or! At! Least! He! Tries! To! The business magnate actually puts the (entirely legal) joint up to his mouth and pulls on it. Sure, he’s holding it like you would a tiny piece of skin that’s been hanging off your lip for a few days, finally struck with the courage to rip it off and deal with the inevitable bleeding and herpes-esque scar it will leave behind for precisely one week. What’s going through his mind at this point? Simply, nothing. All the tension is dispelled in this exact moment. He is simply a man, pulling on a doob, as all cool dudes worth $20.2b do.
Act IV, Scene II – Exhalation / Musk Fucks It
Milliseconds after taking a pull of the joint, Musk exhales the entirety of his mouth with staggering gusto. He wants that contraband out of there with immediate effect. Not a smidge of the forbidden fruit shall touch his insides. The man just absolutely fucked it. He didn’t even inhale. In wasting a perfectly ripe pull of some sweet Mary Jane, Musk has revealed himself to be an absolute loser. The buildup, in retrospect, was excruciating now that we know the ending. He fucked it. Elon Musk does not know how to smoke a joint, nor does he want to. “Yeah I think I tried one once” has now been proven, as suspected, to be a lie.
Act IV, Scene III – Performative Dissatisfaction
“No big deal”, Elon thinks to himself after failing to smoke the drugs properly. He shakes his head as if to signify that he has felt precisely zero of the effects of marijuana that he’s heard about. ‘Mustn’t work on me’, he believes, after basically taking a mouthful of bleach, swooshing it around his mouth for a second and then dramatically spitting it onto the floor. The man is a liar and a cheat. Cancel your Tesla orders. This is not the type of pocket we should be lining with our hard-earned silver. We’ve been conned. Discard everything written above. Show’s over. Sorry for wasting your time.
Act V, Scene I – Unmerited Satisfaction
After putting on the performance of tragically, a lifetime, Elon looks at the joint one last time as a closing sentiment. They are exchanging pleasantries before they part ways, he and the joint. Elon thanks Mr. Joint for his hospitality, which he did not experience any of the inteded effects of, then lets him go on his merry way. He momentarily gave thanks for the perceived clout among millennials he feels will ensue after this endeavour, then gets back to business. ‘Fooled them all, we did’, he telepathically communicates to the joint. ‘Fuck you’, the joint replies, angered by Musk’s ignorant insinuation that the joint played its part. Elon Musk is a liar and a cheat.
Act V, Scene II – Closure
Giddy after his fake dalliance with coolness, Elon rewards his heroic efforts with an off the cuff observation that nobody wanted nor felt grateful to hear. “Alcohol is a drug, it’s been grandfathered in”. Think to yourself for a moment, if you will, the last time, if ever, you heard someone say “grandfathered in”. For me, it was never. Yet I instantly knew what it meant. It’s the kind of expression a pompous CEO uses when addressing his staff about the merits of working overtime for no extra money, in a bid to seem worldly and sincere.
Elon Musk, had he actually taken a rip of the joint, would not have said that phrase. He would’ve immediately started spouting libellous views with gay abandon. We would’ve finally gotten some home truths, ideally about his and Grimes’ bizarre pairing. Musk fucked everything. He lied to us and he wasted our time. I will never forgive this man for what he has done, nor should you. Elon Musk? More like Felon Musk, because he should go to jail for what he has done. Fin.
Images via YouTube
