Week 1 – Malta
The Apprentice is back! Finally, our lives can regain purpose and joy now that 16 willing candidates are making putting themselves at the mercy of our harsh and unfair judgement every week.
Last night’s episode got things off to an explosive start, with a lewd remark emerging just six minutes into proceedings.
It’s going to be a delightful series, you can practically taste the bitching, backstabbing and insistence at “this won’t be the last of me” we’re going to hear each time someone’s sent home.
Here’s ten cringe moments that deserve a second airing.
1. This lady described herself as a “Mumpreneur”
At a guess, that is both a Mum and an entrepreneur. Khadija then followed up this statement with “My eldest daughter wants a swimming pool in her back garden, I’m here to make sure that happens”. If this information is true, Khadija needs to contact a swimming pool installation company rather than appearing on The Apprentice, but let’s see how this whole thing plays out regardless. Perhaps one of her fellow candidates is pitching that exact business plan, in which case I’ll look rather foolish for my harsh criticisms.
2. This man said “I might look like your business cuddly bear…”
He ended the sentence with “…but if you cross me, I’ll knock your stuffing out”. With the greatest respect to this potential parody of a candidate, it’s difficult to imagine him knocking the stuffing out of a 25g recyclable packet with the aid of a profession stuffing knocker-outer. Cuddly bears are adorable, fluffy, kind of dopey looking and above all else, a joy to be around. David, at a glance, meets one of those four criteria. He shan’t be knocking anything out, stuffing or otherwise.
3. Six minutes and thirty seconds into the show, someone made a reference to cunnilingusÂ
Hero of the night, Kayode burst into that introductory boardroom chat like a child to their parents’ bedroom at 4am on Christmas Day. Lord Sugar, upon reading his CV, noted that he said his tongue “is a lethal weapon” and then asked if he licks people to death. Without missing a beat, Kayode answered with “Depends on what context, to be honest with you” and Lord Sugar gave him a high five and £250,000 investment on the spot. Just kidding, the silence in the room was deafening.
4. The boys team measured an octopus’ length against a Maltese woman because this show is insane
Having completely misunderstood their instructions of purchasing a scuba diving octopus (which is a cylinder), the boys team made spectacles of themselves in a Maltese fish shop as they used a measuring tape to check if it was the specified 40 inches long, first measuring it against the saleswoman and then on its own. Credit where it’s due, not everyone knows what a scuba octopus is, but when you’re in the middle of Malta measuring a sea creature against a saleswoman, questions need to be asked.
5. Alex desperately haggled in a supermarket for a total saving of ONE CENT
The total cost in the supermarket was €59 and Alex’s first offer was €58.99, which is a saving of one cent. He begged the cashier to knock off one cent from the total price. One cent. Realistically, there was probably one cent lying on the ground near the cash register, but hey, a saving is a saving! Alex didn’t lowball the cashier, as is common practice when haggling. Assumedly, his tactic was for the guy to take pity on his abysmal negotiation techniques and end up giving him everything for free. Astoundingly, it didn’t work.
6. The sickest burn of the series was delivered with stunning conviction
When Lord Sugar questioned the boys about the incorrect octopus they had bought, he said “You bought an actual real live octopus?” at which point Daniel interjected with “Well, it was dead” and with that, the jaw of every single candidate hit the floor. Not only did Daniel burn Lord Sugar beyond belief, but he managed to do it in an entirely sincere manner. He was getting logistical details across, which just so happened to be a killer line. Everyone laughed, but Daniel reportedly hasn’t been seen since that devastating line was delivered.
7. Upon learning that he’d led his team to victory, Kayode shouted “That’s what I’m talking about” in the middle of the boardroom
Forget about the dignified nature of boardrooms, when something good happens, we should all be the Kayode we want to see in the world and yelp “That’s what I’m talking about” every time something works in our favour. Who cares about being professional, what the business world needs is a reality check. Suits are dumb, the only suits we should be wearing are tracksuits. Ties are cancelled. Bring a pack of tinnies into your next business meeting. Heckle the CEO. Live your goddamn life. Man like Kayode living out here in 3018. Yes king.
8. The candidates’ house phone is incredible
Lord Sugar’s infamous 4am ‘U up?’ phone calls have never sounded so good now that they’re going to come through a pink velvet dog telephone. The set designer had no reason to go that hard on the telephone, but he/she did that. He/she did that for all of us and we can never repay them for it. Picture the candidates, still asleep and partially naked, stumbling down the stairs to feel the sweet sensation of velvet upon their ear as Lord Sugar informs them of the latest hellish plans for the day ahead. Magic.
9. Someone down the local café wants to watch the world burn
Not only is it in a pepper container, it’s also sugar. This is wrong on two separate levels. Cafés are busy places, it’s entirely understandable that sometimes salt and pepper containers get mixed up with the wrong produce. However, when a rogue sugar quantity gets poured into the pepper shaker, the world descends into utter chaos. Where do we draw the line? Is there brown sauce in the vinegar bottle? Knives instead of teaspoons? Hopefully one of The Apprentice candidates has a business plan to segregate condiments correctly.
10. Sarah ended her time on The Apprentice by saying “This is definitely not going to be the last of me”, so everyone wins a bingo prize
“This isn’t the last of me”, she said, as we realised that it was absolutely the last we’d ever hear of Sarah. She put in a good fight, shouting the word ‘boat’ at the Maltese locals and doing very little else in the way of helping her team during the task. We shan’t forget Ellen, not in a million years. Amy was a terrific candidate. She’s certainly made her mark on The Apprentice. That’s the thing about Julie, you just can’t forget an effort as strong as hers. Godspeed, Lucy. We wish you the best!
Images via BBC
