Predicting the winner of the 2019 Grand National based solely on the horses’ names

Sponsored by Unibet

To many punters, it’s the only thing that matters

Horse racing is difficult to understand, but with the right amount of perseverance, you’re likely to figure it out. What happens is, in layman’s terms: some horses have a race.

The Grand National is no exception to this format. A load of horses are going to race each other, with one being crowned the eventual winner.

But how do you work out which horse is going to win? Research, analysis, clairvoyants, luck, superstition, the possibilities are endless and overwhelming. Until now.

We have devised a positively foolproof method for preemptively crowning the winner of the 2019 Grand National. Honestly, this is a guaranteed certainty.

Simply, our winner is going to be crowned based off nothing more than the quality of the horse’s name.

Here are the top seven horses you’re going to want to invest heavily* in.

*results may vary.

7. Ballyoptic

This is not the name of a horse, it’s an optician in a very rural part of western Ireland. They have four customers a week and famously give everybody a free After Eight chocolate after their appointment, regardless of the time. As with every optician, all of the staff wear glasses for some reason. They are friendly and dedicated to improving the eyesight of everyone that walks (or stumbles due to poor vision) through their doors. You imagine that one time Jason Statham was holidaying nearby when he found himself running out of contact lenses. Ballyoptic came to the rescue and they were able to get a repeat prescription together for the actor within hours. Statham described their service as “Proper pucker”, before he posed for a photograph, then greedily left with two After Eight chocolates and a renewed sense of self.

6. Vintage Clouds

This is not the name of a horse, it’s a new app that’s available to download on your mobile device from midday tomorrow. As the name suggests, the application allows you to see what clouds would have looked like in olden times. You simply point your phone camera towards some clouds and the app will render an image of what that exact cloud would’ve looked like hundreds of years ago. It’s a niche interest, but the developers have assured us that the market is definitely there. Many users that were fortunate enough to preview the app came away a little frustrated with the results. You see, clouds are comprised of tiny water droplets, so the Vintage Clouds images are always going to end up being a glass of water. That’s it, that’s the whole premise of the app. It teaches the downloader a valuable lesson about gullibility, whilst also touching on the basics of nephology. The app costs £4.99.

5. Tiger Roll

This is not the name of a horse, it’s your favourite dish at the local sushi bar near work. You always treat yourself to sushi on a Friday because life is simply too short to be miserable. You’ll often stretch your strict one hour break to an hour and a quarter because you like to live dangerously. The guy at the sushi place tragically knows your order off by heart. He sometimes has it ready before you even walk through the doors. Truthfully, you’ve kind of gone off tiger rolls now, but you don’t want to confuse the system so persevere with the same order regardless. Not to get all serious, but complacency is the thief of creativity. You’re never going to reach your true potential if you don’t change your ways. This isn’t about the tiger rolls and you know it. Call Susan, tell her you love her. Buy a bike. Travel. Learn how to do a Sudoku. Live.

4. Lake View Lad

This is not the name of a horse, it’s the username you used on the very first dating app you joined. You hadn’t much success in the region of love, but you learned a very valuable lesson about the importance of being absolutely sure who you’re talking to online. You spent six weeks chatting intensely with who you believed to be a beautiful Norwegian girl studying to become a lawyer, but she ultimately ended up being a 46-year-old divorced father of two who collects shiny conkers and then tries to create sculptures of the Chuckle brothers using the shells. It wasn’t all bad news as Clint is one of your best mates now, but more genuine circumstances leading to your friendship would’ve been preferable.

3. Minella Rocco

This is not the name of a horse, it’s the name of your old babysitter. She was Italian and insisted on everyone going to bed an hour before your parents specified because she was a control freak and also wanted to invite her boyfriend over for some uninterrupted study time. One time your parents returned early to find Minella and her fella smoking in the back garden. They were furious, with your Mum refusing to pay her the full £10. She threatened to tell Minella’s parents, but then a potential deal was offered. If your Mum kept mum about the whole thing, Minella wouldn’t tell everyone at school that you slept with a nightlight and the Barney interactive CD playing. Your Mum declined and you were mercilessly bodied at school for years. People still call you ‘Barney Bedwetter’, even though it doesn’t make sense because even in childhood, you’ve always had impeccable nocturnal bladder control.

2. Valtor

This is not the name of a horse, it’s the evil ruler you must defeat at the very end of your favourite video game. Valtor is a giant demon rattlesnake who insists that you step away from the games console to tidy your room for 15 minutes a day. The entire game shuts down and you must promise that you have cleaned the room during the allotted time. When you have done so, you then get to battle Valtor to the death. Legend has it that nobody has ever successfully beaten Valtor because the game is rigged. It was invented by Mums with untidy children. You fool, you didn’t think it was suspicious that she was encouraging you to play video games every day? That your room was harrowingly tidy in recent weeks? Smdh, get a clue. Valtor stands for Vaccum And Little Tidy Of Room.

1. LiveLoveLaugh

This is not the name of a horse, it’s the slogan plastered throughout your friend Sarah’s new house. She’s got it in the kitchen, in the living room, downstairs loo, upstairs loo, bedroom walls, on the roof, even embroidered on the clothing of the bodies buried outside under the decking. Sarah loves to live, love and laugh, ideally all at once. She drives a car with eyelashes stuck to the headlights, complete with furry dice and a neon pink steering wheel. Sarah likes to go shopping and have wacky nights out with the girls. She once bought the wrong milk (full fat instead of low fat) and gifted it to her neighbours. They consumed it with glee, then later discovered that she had spiked it with protein powder. They’re incredibly hench now, so it’s not all bad news. When LiveLoveLaugh wins the Grand National, Sarah’s going to scatter pictures of the horse throughout her new house which she will purchase with her winnings. Sarah would die for LiveLoveLaugh.