Piers Morgijuana
As bittersweet gift from the content gods, we have been blessed with actual real-life footage of Piers Morgan sucking down on a spliff.
He appeared on Mike Tyson’s podcast, satisfyingly-named ‘Hotboxin’, to talk about a variety of topics, but the most important thing that happened was when Piers Morgan instigated the smoking of 1 (one) marijuana cigarette.
As with Elon Musk’s foray into the world of legal narcotics, we must intensively analyse this occurrence, teetering on the brink of insanity, to figure out the inner-workings of Piers Morgan’s mind as the whole thing went down.
Did Piers smoke it properly? Unlike Elon Musk, did he actually inhale? Did he look cool while he was doing it? Did Mike Tyson pressure him into doing it? Is Piers Morgan cool now?
Patience. We must dig deeper.
Act I, Scene I – Temptation Emerges
One hour, twenty-four minutes and eleven seconds into the podcast, things come to a natural ending. Piers shakes hands with hosts Mike and Eben after jokingly warning Mike not to do the podcast too often because he’ll put him out of the job, a likely scenario given that Good Morning Britain and Hotboxin’ undoubtedly have a huge crossover of dedicated viewers. Then Mike Tyson gives Piers Morgan the opportunity to plug something at the end of their conversation, to which he responds “Eh? Just watch Good Morning Britain if you can”, to Tyson’s loyal and disinterested audience. Then his eyes wander towards the weed tray in the middle of the table, much like an office worker trying not to monitor the box of chocolates slowly making its way around the room. Piersy boy is entranced. His attention can divert no longer.
Act I, Scene II – Planned Spontaneity
Once the formalities are out of the way and the podcast has clearly come to a close, Piers reaches forward, allowing his primal urges to take over. He’s free now, the jazz cigarette can’t induce a sense of career-ending giddiness and mischief if the microphones are about to stop recording. Piers seemingly selects a joint at random, but he’s likely been eyeing up that specific one for the past 84 minutes, like a toddler determinedly deciding to shit themselves at the precise moment when a long car journey begins. He couldn’t even finish the plug for Good Morning Britain without his eyes and mind wandering, leaning into the table to collect his £200 for passing Go. This is an engineered moment, constructed to seem off-the-cuff, one that was decided by a team of experts long before the podcast even took place. The spontaneity is purely performative.
Act I, Scene III – Feigned Inquisition
“Am I supposed to um…. What am I supposed to do with this, Mike?”, Piers asks as he visually inspects the joint, having just moved his cup aside so as to minimise the risk in reaching across the table to procure the item. He holds the joint in the same way you would a parking fine that you’ve just discovered resting under the window wipers. Then Piers uses his other hand to reposition the joint that he was already holding with sufficient grip. This is an overcompensation, trying to add some flair to this expertly-calculated move, but we’ll allow it. Piers has spent the last hour and twenty-four minutes building up to this moment, plotting every word, movement and vibe he projects during its execution. This man, in this very moment, is the epitome of the Steve Buscemi ‘How do you do, fellow kids?’ meme.
Act II, Scene I – Asking Mummy If It’s Okay
“SMOKE IT!” Mike Tyson screams, with all the ferocity of, well, Mike Tyson peer-pressuring you into doing something naughty. Piers raises the joint halfway to his mouth, then looks at his Mummy (probably his publicist) for approval. Again, everything has been planned, tested among dozens of focus groups and probably preemptively reconstructed several times to guarantee the utmost precision. But here, we’re led to believe that Piers has just decided to kick back, let loose, open another risqué shirt button and burn one down with a man who once took a bite off another man’s ear due to marijuana-induced munchies (may be inaccurate). At this point, were theatrics to prevail, the crowd would gasp, someone would plead with Piers not to engage in this perfectly legal activity in their current location, perhaps a small child would weep, threats of being cancelled would emerge, chaos would ensue. Instead, nobody speaks but Mike.
Act II, Scene II – Fake Rejection
After a blatant over-compensating amount of laughter, Piers leans forward to put the joint back onto the tray. You can tell by his body language that the man had no intention of getting rid of the cigarette because he hasn’t leaned over enough. Were he to continue this trajectory, Piers’ back would strain, the joint would fall short of the tray and Mike Tyson would laugh at him, labelling him as a “puthy”, a “wimp”, a “thicken”, a “thadcase”, or similar. Look at Mike. He read the room, he knew Piers wouldn’t dare refuse his order to “THMOKE IT”. Mike produced that lighter faster than the speed of light has ever been known to travel. If Mike Tyson comes towards you with a lighter, you better light the damn joint or alternatively yourself on fire, those are you two options. Piers Morgan knows this. Mike Tyson knows this. Eben Britton knows this. Even the set of boxing gloves hanging on the wall know this. Piers’ free will no longer exists.
Act II, Scene III – Ignition
Like a moth to a flame, or a pier to the tide, Piers Morgan accepts Mike Tyson’s gentle invitation to light the cigarette, which was his only course of action if we’re being honest with ourselves. Eben looks on in delight as the face of Good Morning Britain leans in to get a light off a man who was once the youngest heavyweight champion in history. The above image will be hung in the Louvre for many years to come, such is its era-defining cultural significance in the year of our Lord 2019. This is a tender moment between the two. They’ve just spent close to an hour and a half picking each others’ brains, so this is the natural conclusion. What they’re engaging in is perfectly legal. This is Piers Morgan’s moment to connect with the millennial market that he so often dumps upon. This is his 2018 Coachella performance and he is Beyoncé, albeit a much shitter, more watered-down and essentially pointless endeavour.
Act III, Scene I – PIERS! MORGAN! SMOKES! WEED!
Visibly euphoric and relieved that everything has gone to plan, Piers Morgan legitimately inhales some cannabis. It was a short drag, unlikely to so much as kiss the inner fibres of Piers’ lungs, but it still counts. Much like a teen that’s eager to impress his peers (fuck, is that why he’s called Piers?), he then closes eyes so as to distract from his weak knowledge of how to ‘do a drug’. Piers dulls his sense of sight so that the other four senses can heighten (smell, taste, touch and banter), something he’s learned from a Snoop Dogg music video that autoplayed after a Ted Talk about the importance of being a contrary arsehole. Credit where it’s due, Piers does a good impression of someone that knows a) what weed is and b) knows how to get it inside his body. The camera is zoomed in close on Piers to spare viewers the look of sheer orgasmic energy on Mike Tyson’s face at this very moment, presumably.
Act III, Scene II – Communal Elation
Look at Michael Gerard Tyson. This is a man who has won all but six of his boxing fights. That’s 50 wins, 44 of which were knockouts. The man knows elation like no other, but this is next level. He has successfully pressured Piers Morgan, 54-year-old professional contrarian, into taking a tentative drag of a joint. This counts for more than we’ll ever know. Mike Tyson has made 23 episodes of this podcast to give it credibility, when it’s evident that his motivation all along was to get Piers Morgan to chill out a little bit. Nothing else matters, he can now retire from his burgeoning broadcasting career. The goal has been reached, all aims obtained. Eben Britton is yelping like a coyote. Piers looks like a French lecturer who moonlights as a seductress. He tried to do a smoke ring, FFS. The man has committed to the bit. Even if Piers was simply jesting when he reached for the joint, Mike Tyson forced him into submission. The man is a hero.
Act III, Scene III – The Aftermath
High on life and the extremely minimal brush with marijuana that he’s just ingested, Piers Morgan completes the performance with a post-weed statement. Usually, one is at their most profound when they’ve partaken in narcotics. Perhaps he will unveil a conspiracy theory regarding the illusion of time and space, maybe he will unmask himself and admit to playing a deliberately controversial role in British media for no reason other than sadistic interests, maybe he will bash out an original knock knock joke. Oh, never mind. He’s just said “When in Rome, right?”, which makes very little sense because if Piers were to smoke a joint in Rome, he would be hit with a hefty fine if it was being used for reasons other than medical uses. Also, the podcast was recorded in California, which is a cool 6,208 miles away from Rome. Still, he tried. He definitely tried. Piers Morgan had a go of a joint and that is an undeniable fact.
Images via YouTube
