Day 1
Praise the lord and kiss a baby, Love Island is back and finally our lives can reach a healthy although temporary level of fulfilment.
Last night we got to see our new crop of love-hungry islanders meeting each other for the first time, ascertaining which baskets they’d consider putting their hypothetical eggs into for the duration of the summer.
Everything went relatively according to plan. Nobody has asserted their position as public enemy numero uno just yet, nor have we found the nation’s latest sweetheart. It was a good and wholesome episode of reality television.
Still, a few vital moments may have slipped through your attention span. Not to worry, it’s all been documented in excruciating detail for your benefit.
1. Anton introduced us to the concept of how meeting a stranger works
As he burst out onto the newly-varnished decking, Anton gave little breathing space for the Love Island inhabitants and viewers alike to speculate as to what kind of dialect would escape his aggressively-chiselled body. “I bet you didn’t expect a Scottish accent coming out of this”, he announced, in a Scottish accent. Granted, we didn’t expect it, Anton, but that’s because a) we have never met you before, so that is how introductions generally work and b) you didn’t give us a chance to play a rousing game of Guess Which Accent This Stranger Is Going To Have.
Imagine, if you will, Anton quietly shuffling through the villa, all the way over to his designated judging spot in the grass, completely silent the entire time. “Hi Anton, how are you?”, Caroline asks. He smiles politely and gives a lacklustre thumbs up, avoiding eye contact with the girls. Caroline eventually forces him to speak and he emits a girlish squeal, akin to the love child of Joe Pasquale and Stacey West, saying “I bet you didn’t expect that voice to come out of this”, followed by a cheeky wink and a collective groan from the girls. They all take two steps backwards and check their phones for any new notifications.
2. After everyone had been coupled up, Joe raised his hand to ask a question as if he was back at school
After Michael and Yewande were lovingly defaulted into a couple together, the task was complete, with all ten islanders successfully paired off either through genuine interest or victim of circumstance. Everybody cheered and clapped at the completion of their very first mandatory Love Island activity, some even wooped. But Joe, Sandwich Man Joe, for some reason raised his arm into the air, as though he was in school and needed to get the teacher’s attention for a pressing matter that simply couldn’t wait.
It was a momentary blip, and just as quick as Joe raised his hand, it was gone again. Caroline didn’t seem to notice, therefore the question went unfielded. Most people would be willing to let this go, chalk it down as a mishap and move on with their lives, but I’ve drafted a list of possible questions Joe wanted to ask Caroline:
- Please can, no sorry MAY I go to the toilet miss?
- Michael stole my good pencil and now I don’t have anything to write with?
- I don’t want to go to PE this afternoon, and anyway I forgot my kit so can I skip it?
- How much longer until lunch?
- More of a comment than a question: Are shows like Love Island becoming outdated as they continue to put an unhealthy price on fame in society, showcasing unattainable lifestyles and impacting the wellbeing of contestants and viewers alike?
- Why is there a dog in the yard?
3. We had our first 2019 DNA-shedding experience in the Love Island bedroom
Look at that hand. Pressed clean into the glass when there’s a handle fitted to the door for a reason. Anna planted her clammy Mallorcan-sun-kissed paw straight onto the glass door with little regard for the cleaning staff that will have to tend to it when they all go to sleep. She was so eager to get into the room and dibs the biggest, most muffled romp-accessible bed, Anna spared no thought for the welfare of the building’s fixtures and fittings, shedding her DNA all over the glass door.
This is about more than just an untidy approach to her new home. Anna has displayed a firm disregard for general household etiquette. She’s going to leave dirty dishes in the sink, scatter toenail clippings wherever she sees fit, probably use far more than her fair share of toilet roll, she’ll leave teabags on countertops and squeeze toothpaste from the middle of the tube. Anna is going to be a nightmare housemate. This is just the tip of the rapidly-melting iceberg.
4. Joe revealed that his phone background is a partially-naked picture of himself
The Sandwich Man accidentally revealed his true colours during last night’s inaugural Love Island 2019 episode. Presumably as a natural reflex from the outside world, Joe took out his phone to check if anyone had retweeted his latest tweet “Game of Thrones? More like Shame of Drones because they don’t half drone on lol shameful”. Upon fishing the phone out of his minuscule shorts, Joe was reminded that his iPhone 7 with its cracked screen and greasy clear case was no longer there, instead replaced with a Love Island regulation phone.
What does this background tell us about Joe? Well, he’s a massive narcissist, but also he is a bit of banter. He could’ve just gone with a stock image for the wallpaper, maybe a colourful pattern or picture of a frog, but the Sandwich Man used a photograph of himself wearing banana shorts, an uncomfortably long necklace and what I’m assuming is no shoes or socks. Should the phones get mixed up, Joe’s will be easily identifiable thanks to this savvy trick. If he procures a lover, will Joe change the background to a picture of her? No. It’s this one or a cheese and tomato sandwich, those are his only interests.
5. Sharif thought it best to tell Anna TWICE that he follows her on Instagram, blatantly hustling for that follow back
In a very chill and cool way, Sharif told Anna on two occasions that he already follows her on Instagram. First, he waited until they were safely in the comfort of a 69-camera strong reality television set to inform Anna of their one-sided online connection, away from the prying eyes of everyone, aside from the entire nation. Anna responded in a suitable manner, brushing off this declaration of previous interest which he is very likely to follow up on throughout the show.
Not content with his first mention of the subject matter, Sharif waited until later that evening to remind Anna that he follows her on Instagram, which means he knows her better than she knows herself. He’s got a point. What truer insight into a person can you get than a carefully-cultivated feed of edited and staged photographs displaying an ideal but ultimately unattainable lifestyle? It’s going to be interesting to see Sharif unsubtly dropping in references to Anna’s Instagram throughout this series. “Oh you’re having a coffee? Remember that coffee you had in Nero on 27th April 2016? With whipped cream on top? Think you were with your nan for her birthday, you went shopping afterwards and saw a really big dog? Or something like that, can’t really remember haha anyway enjoy”.
6. Tommy absolutely bodied the Love Island lads within seconds of arriving into the villa
Most late arrivals like to assert their dominance when they enter the Love Island villa, but none have ever reached such dizzying heights of success as Tommy Fury did during last night’s show. He and Curtis strutted through the villa, fully aware that all eyes were firmly on them. Curtis remained silent, hoping his shirt and manic smile would do the talking, while Tommy opted for a thoroughly bodying opening statement of ‘Hola, chicas’, or in English, ‘Hello, girls’.
This can be taken one of two ways, either he was solely greeting the female inhabitants of the villa, signifying that he’s landed on the Love Island to steal some hearts, or perhaps Tommy was insinuating that everyone in the villa, males included, are actually girls. What a burn, what a sick a vicious burn, to suggest that men are women. Tommy Fury has proven that he throws punches in the boxing ring, but also with his words in the form of very cutting trash talk. Either that or he was really nervous, panicked and blurted out something he thought would be perceived as cool. More as we get it.
Images via ITV
