Finally, some useful road signs
Not sure if you’ve heard, but the Department for Transport has launched a BrAnD nEw RoAd SiGn.
To improve road safety for everyone, we are launching a new warning sign for use in accident hotspots involving small wild animals.
Find out more: https://t.co/u5Ge2ONStf
#RoadSafety #WilderFuture pic.twitter.com/rmkYrBuuAj— Department for Transport (@transportgovuk) June 17, 2019
We got in touch with a hedgehog for a reaction to the announcement, to which he replied “I’m pumped, unlike the tyres I was planning on puncturing lol”.
Naturally, this news has sparked a nationwide discussion about the necessity for other potential road signs. Hedgehogs are a viable hazard to drivers, but so are many other things.
Not content with sitting back and merely allowing the discourse to carry on, I have drafted some potential new road signs that the UK could introduce down the line.
Civic duty? Completed it, mate.
Caution – 2017 ahead!
Proceed carefully as you navigate the icy roads that are being made safe by Salt Bae. Avoid hazards such as Kendall Jenner trying to end riots with a can of Pepsi, Drake from Drake & Josh on the way to his own wedding which doesn’t include Josh from Drake & Josh on the guest list, that adorable anthropomorphic dancing hotdog from Snapchat, the confused guy meme shaking his head at all the traffic, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle doing an engagement photo shoot and FIDGET SPINNERS.
Caution – Mumford & Sons ahead!
Drive with care on this particular stretch of road as you’re about to encounter some gentle folk rockers comprised of beards, fedoras, waistcoats and a borderline-dangerous amount of banjos. Keep both hands on the wheel as you careen around a man who is somehow married to Queen Carey Mulligan despite penning lyrics such as “So take my flesh and fix my eyes, a tethered mind free from the lies”. Exercise caution as you hear the exact same song over and over again, but with slightly different tempos each time.
Caution – Blobby ahead!
Drive carefully as you pass Noel Edmonds gently rubbing Blobby’s belly as he’s getting sick on the side of the road. The Blobmobile is pulled into the ditch, hazard lights blinking in a pinkish hue, Blobby chucking up his breakfast, lunch and dinner made all the more entertaining by his googly eyes and vacant stare. The person inside the suit is begging to get out, sweating from motion sickness and synthetic fibres, but Edmonds won’t allow it. “You’ve got to commit to the character”, he stresses as his back rubbing gradually gets lower and lower down Blobby’s back.
Caution – Brexit ahead!
Because it is a catastrophe lol! Proceed with caution as you drive down this wonky road without a seatbelt, steering wheel, line of sight or indeed car itself. You must navigate your way with 66 million other confused people in the dead of night, blind, hungry, thirsty and physically weak. Your phone has no signal so you can’t use a map. Instead, you must fall to your knees and crawl into the abyss, weeping at the state of the world and cursing those in charge who have led us all into this shit show.
Caution – Teletubbies ahead!
Remain vigilant as the ‘Tubbies try to distract you with their multicoloured midriffs competing for your attention by showing your four favourite television shows at all the best parts. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and Po will be plodding along aimlessly across the road with little regard for road safety. Keep an eye out for random shower heads rising from the ground like some kind of hellish reminder to clean yourself on a regular basis. Maybe stop and purchase some Tubby Custard for sustenance – available at competitive prices!
Caution – Everything fine up ahead!
Nothing to worry about here, simply drive as you normally would once you see this warm and reassuring sign. Just kidding! When you shine your headlights on the silhouette, flames appear to provide a sufficient hint of fear. Everything is fine, but also on the whole, everything is not fine. Your car might break down at any minute. Maybe it will explode. Or fail its next MOT. Not to worry, that’s a problem for another day. Keep on truckin’, champ! This is fine.
Caution – Absolute jester up ahead!
Mate! You’ve been had! You should see your face right now. You looked right at the hand, now you’re getting the gentle arm punch of a lifetime. Don’t try to deny that you looked at it because this modern-but-necessary road sign has built-in infrared technology that scans your retinas. It knows if you’ve looked. Simply drive your car to the designated area up ahead where a member of the Department for Transport will give you a punch. Congratulations for paying attention to the road signs, even though this one has absolutely owned you.
Caution – Ogres ahead!
Turn your car around and go home immediately, this is not a road you want to go down. Ogres are notoriously grumpy pricks. The Shrek movies have drastically misled the public with regards to the temperament of ogres and these road signs are here to remind you of that. If you enter an ogre-heavy area, what happens after that point is entirely your own fault. Swamps are ogre territory. You are not going to find a whimsical donkey eager for companionship on this road, nor an adorable footwear-laden cat. Turn around and go home. You’ve been warned.
Caution – Mum & Dad’s disapproval of your career choice ahead!
Or whatever you see yourself lol! Stay woke.
