Day 30
Gonna level with you here given that we’re five weeks into Love Island 2019.
Bit of a shit series, innit? They’ve chosen contestants that are fine, but they’ve sacrificed the banter. It’s an entertainment show. Maura, for orthopaedic reasons, cannot carry the entire series alone. She needs likeminded people to bounce off. Where’s the spark? Where’s the energy? Where’s the shaving each others’ initials into their pubes?
Obviously we’re all going to complete the series because that’s not really an option. But imagine how different things could’ve been if they had just put in a few banter merchants. A splash of Chris, a dash of Kem, a smidge of old Jack, a sprinkling of new Jack. Y’know?
In any other series, a lot of this year’s drama would’ve ended up on the cutting room floor. But due to the contestants’ inactivity, something as mundane as a missing yoghurt lid is likely to hit primetime television. It’s a farce. We’ve been conned. We are fools.
Anyway, here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s show.
1. Ellie Belly got more screen time than Danny last night AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW IT SHOULD BE
There are precisely 4,700 Ellie Belly parody accounts on Twitter right now, which can mean only one thing – Ellie Belly has surpassed all members of Hearsay in terms of social popularity and public discourse. Last night, Tommy Fury enlisted the help of a stuffed green elephant to help him procure a girlfriend. A 20-year-old still having a teddy bear aside, it was great to see Ellie Belly getting a good chunk of last night’s airtime, relegating Danny to the subs bench, getting little more than a glimpse in during the evening and morning montages. I foresee nightclub appearances for Ellie Belly, a sponsorship deal with memory loss supplements, even a joint single release with Nelly Furtado. Play your cards right, Belly, and you can ride this wave all the way to the shore.
2. The contestants revealed that they have little to no concept of what a heart shape looks like
Granted there’s a huge disconnect between what a human heart and the famed symbol of a love heart looks like, but that’s a lengthy discussion for another day. While Tommy was proposing to be Molly-Mae’s boyfriend until such time as he leaves the villa and is shown interest by a Hadid, or at the very least, a Huntington-Whiteley, he tasked Curtis with arranging the rest of the islanders into a heart shape on the lawn. Why? Genuinely no reason, it just proved that Tommy has watched previous series of Love Island and knows how to get airtime. The islanders formed themselves into a sort of moustache shape, then stared at the balcony like perverts until Tommy gave them a big thumbs up. Congratulations to all involved.
3. Ovie had a quick dance while waiting for the kettle to boil because he is the most precious man in Mallorca right now
If we can all just take a moment to pay our respects to Ovie Soko, thanks. The man has played an absolute blinder. He had the time of his life in Casa Amor, getting pool water sucked out of his bellybutton by Anna, free accommodation and meals included, some kissing, one drink per night, it’s been a hell of a holiday for big boi Ovie and he’s taking full advantage. Things didn’t work out with Anna, but he’s still out there living his best life, wearing questionable hats and shirts, dancing to the sound of a boiling kettle and employing the use of a full-length dressing gown in 30 degree heat. Man has won this series, if not officially, then in the eyes of the nation.
4. Anna got disproportionately excited about an omelette because the bar has never been so low before now
Just a failed attempt at scrambled eggs, innit? Anna gave a rousing impression of Gwen off Gavin & Stacey with her legitimate excitement over an omelette last night. Jordan did the absolute bare minimum for her birthday by making this eggy treat, which he then accompanied with ‘Happy Birthday Anna’ written on the plate using the villa’s entire reserve of hot sauce. Either Anna is a remarkable actress, or she truly gets off on eggs. Imagine that was the entirety of your birthday acknowledgement from your lover. One singular cold omelette which they will sit opposite and watch you eat. No thank you. I will starve or failing that have a glass of lukewarm squash.
5. Amy’s notes app was subjected to yet another onslaught of incredibly weak content
If you had to read the entirety of Amy’s notes stored on her Love Island phone or have each of your eyes gouged clean out, would you start with your right or left eye first? Notes app enthusiast Amy Hart made good use of her favourite application again last night, this time to write a rap(?) with Molly-Mae for Anna’s birthday. They were spitting straight fire, if your definition of fire consists of one singular match that won’t light because it has been stored in a damp location for several decades. Their lyrics included “Anna is clever, wise and strong, she’s always there when something goes wrong”, so a future in any kind of language-heavy industry has now officially been ruled out for Amy and Molly-Mae.
6. Ovie wore driving glasses because he’s the only one driving a bit of life into that godforsaken villa right now
Not to turn this roundup into an Ovie-heavy affair, but we really need to give this man more airtime. I would rather watch Ovie Soko carefully eating a Cheestring, tenderly pulling one little string at a time with delicate hands to prevent breakage, than see and hear any other islanders kissing or simply remarking “It’s hot out today”. They are boring. Ovie is banter, you can practically smell it off him. He’s not getting the exposure he deserves. Anna chose a guy whose teeth look like a zebra crossing over literal adonis Ovie Soko. Now she must suffer the consequences, but we, as a nation, should not. Give us more of this blessed man and his wacky antics. Please. Everything else is so boring.
Images via ITV
