Day 39
Becoming increasingly likely that the real Love Island was the dank memes we created along the way.
Last night’s episode was moderately exciting as we saw three new players enter the arena. Due to a sheer lack of exposure to viable candidates, everyone conveniently seems to fancy everyone.
Elsewhere, Amber seemed to finally be getting over the exhausting Michael situation, which meant it was the perfect time for Michael’s teeny little ears to prick up and announce that actually he still fancies her quite a bit.
Just another classic turn of events on that pesky Love Island, innit?
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. Greg very subtly held Amber hostage on their date by locking them out on the terrace
After seeing Amber comically struggle with opening the very standard door locking mechanism on the hideaway terrace door, Greg eventually got to welcome his date to their secluded area. “There’s no handle on the outside”, he said previously, then proceeded to close the door after Amber, thereby locking the pair of them out on the terrace forever, with nothing but non-branded champagne, candle wax and hot tub water for sustenance. It was a sick ploy, trapping Amber like that until she agreed to love him, but it was also a clever one. At the end of the date, the door was miraculously open, proving that outside help must have arrived and therefore exposing the entire show to be completely fake. They’re probably not even on an island.
2. Greg and Maura continued the sacred Irish tradition of only speaking Irish when they’re abroad
Depending on which website you’re reading this on, the aforementioned point may or may not make sense. For non-Irish people, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Having studied Irish for 14 years, most of us instantly forgot a large portion of the language when we finished school. The most popular time Irish gets used is when you’re on holidays and one of the locals is trying to sell you something. You start speaking Irish to the salesperson and they quickly realise that you are not a viable customer because the lines of communication are firmly closed. In keeping with that tradition, Greg dropped ‘Sláinte’ (meaning ‘health’) twice during last night’s Love Island, even getting Maura to join in on the fun. Why? To seem exotic to the other islanders, probably.
3. Michael took full advantage of Anton’s absence by wearing his sunglasses because he is an absolute savage
Credit where it’s due, the sunglasses standard has been slightly above average on this year’s Love Island. Last year, the bar was so low it began to reach the earth’s inner core (See: Eyal’s hexagon shades), but we’ve made some progress in the meantime. Anton has been carrying the game with a standard pair of Ray-Ban round frames, which suit his face shape perfectly. But we learned that Anton would be missing from the villa last night as he had taken ill. So what did Michael do in his best friend’s absence? Raid his personal items and flaunt Anton’s frames during a glamorous pastry date with Harley, obviously. Chayldish and pathetic behaviour, Michael.
4. The product censoring department really phoned it in as the series starts to wind down
Look, the production value on Love Island is second to none. The fact that they can turn around such an impressive feat of television in 24 hours is nothing short of spectacular, not to mention keeping these idiot islanders alive, fed, watered and mentally well. Things are bound to slip up and unfortunately, it is my job to both spot and body them. Last night Chris was having a quick sulk on the kitchen counter and hygiene standards aside, he was lying next to a very blatant 200g squeezy bottle of Marmite. How do we know this? Because the logo is so goddamn recognisable. Had that little bit of tape been 1cm wider, we could’ve avoided this product placement fiasco. Marmite has already sold out across the country. Britain has been influenced. They’ve won.
5. India silenced all allegations that Love Island contestants are talentless losers
Chris asked India if she had any “mad skills” because he is 14 years old and that is how he chats up girls. India shared that she used to be able to fit her entire fist in her mouth, to which Chris rightfully queried how someone could possibly lose a skill like that, prompting India to check in with how her talent has held up over the years. With that, on national television, before 10pm, we saw India stuffing her whole fist into her mouth to impress a boy that she probably doesn’t even fancy. From this moment on, think pieces are going to become obsolete, tabloids will run out of things to write about and reality TV stars will now be considered for the role of Prime Minister. The rumour has been disproved, tell your friends, Love Island contestants are not talentless losers.
6. Curtis shaved Tommy’s belly because that is simply what best friends do for each other in the year of our Lord 2019
Friendship has moved on from wearing matching bracelets, having sleepovers and using walkie talkies to communicate when you’re supposed to be in bed. Things have changed. We are different now. Two years ago, we saw Chris and Kem shaving each others’ initials into their pubes. Now, in 2019, things have slightly tamed. Men shave each others’ bellies now because that is what male friendship looks like in these modern times. Last night, Curtis shaved Tommy’s chest and stomach because he wants big T-man looking his best for Molly-Mae. Ellie Belly simply will not suckle on the teat of a hairy nipple, nor should she. Look at the above image. Let it burn into your brain. It might be difficult to look at, but this is friendship in 2019, in its purest form.
Images via ITV
