Kevin De Bruyne has reminded everyone, once again, that he can pass a football like nobody else
If you’re one of the few people in the world who doesn’t appreciate the neverending fantasy that is Kevin De Bruyne passing a football then I can’t help you.
Just take a look at this. It’s complete mastery of time, space, pressure, weight, angles, vision… everything.
Kevin De Bruyne is unplayable 🔥
📺 Watch on Sky Sports Premier League
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And it isn’t, of course, the first time he has done something like this. He is a repeat offender. A man who could pass a football through the holes in a cheese grater.
In celebration of that, here is an incomplete list of the things Kevin De Bruyne could assist.
1. Goals (obviously)
2. Brexit negotiations
3. A beautiful funeral service for a loved one
4. The completion of George R. R. Martin’s final Game of Thrones novel
5. Your misguided university dissertation on the works of Samuel Beckett
6. The actual, successful killing of John Wick
7. An eventual resolution to several of the world’s ongoing international conflicts
8. Donald Trump’s magic wall to keep out immigrants (although he would refuse to assist with this as a matter of principle)
9. More goals
10. The zipping up of Arsene Wenger’s giant Arsenal coat
11. A genuinely good, successful movie adaptation of a video game. Possibly Portal, maybe Metal Gear Solid
12. The universal respect and appreciation of ginger people
13.  The return of the original Sugababes
14. The sorry, sorry state of your Hinge profile
15. AÂ total reversal of climate change
16. A good episode of The Big Bang Theory
17. Another Frank Ocean album
18. Thomas Cook
19. Graeme Souness’s anger management classes
20. Educating Wayne Hennessey on the atrocities of World War 2
21. The building and erection of an Ikea chest of drawers
22. Even more goals
23. The capture of Chansey in the Safari Zone
24. Adding things to this stupid list
25. Actually making you read that copy of Don Quixote you bought for some reason from Waterstones with absolutely no intention of reading
26. That one hair that always sticks up and makes you look like the Haribo kid no matter how many times you brush it flat
27. The resurrection of the career of Paul McCartney
28. The proper implementation of VAR
29. Lewis Grabban’s facial hair
30. Your failing relationship
31. Your tax returns
32. Your entry into the office ‘Bake Off’ competition
33. Your inherent desire to drink several pints on a weeknight
34. You
35. The locating of Big Foot
36. The return of Pluto to full ‘planet’ status
37. The prevention of the 2008 global recession
38. Your woeful Fantasy Football team
39. The locating of your keys and wallet when you’re rushing to work in the morning
40. Manchester City’s PR team in light of the Bernardo Silva controversy
41. The gradual reduction in the amount of times Pep Guardiola says ‘Guys’ in any given team talk
42. Repairing the feisty relationship between Frank Lampard and the entire city of Leeds
43. Phil Jones. I’m not sure in what capacity, I just think he could help. He clearly misses Chris Smalling
44. Getting that dog you like the look of to come over and rub against your leg
45. Completing Minesweeper
46. Belatedly nationalising the railways
47. The really strange small-talk interactions you have when you bump into people you only kind of know on public transport
48. Getting served whilst stood at the bar amongst lots of attractive women and burly men who have folded their £20 pound notes in half
49. The total eradication of mayonnaise from everything
50. Liverpool once again failing to win the Premier League
