So… Messi to Manchester City?
Let’s face it – regardless of all the speculation over where Lionel Messi could ultimately end up, there’s only two realistic outcomes: he’ll either stay at a Bartomeu-less Barca, or go to Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City. Some would argue that far too much has happened already this week to make remaining at the Camp Nou a viable option. With that in mind, here’s some predictions about what will transpire if a move to Manchester actually ends up happening…
Manchester City will immediately start to work on a statue of Messi outside the Etihad to stand next to David Silva because why delay the inevitable?
A shamelessly opportunistic politician will try to make a clever (but in fact incredibly reductive) point about how much Messi is getting paid in the context of the coronavirus pandemic and a struggling economy and how much nurses and soldiers are paid, whilst at the same time being a massive fan of the Queen and having significant personal investments in emerging markets abroad. And they’ll have voted down a pay rise for nurses anyway.
A bloke called Irfan from Levenshulme will reluctantly become a minor celebrity for a few weeks because he bears a passing resemblance to Manchester City’s new record signing. He will get hounded by local reporters each day on his way to Longsight Market, and eventually get roped into an appearance outside the Etihad Stadium, where City fans will mob him with inflated bananas and Argentina flags (bought at his market stall).
Messi’s first game at the Etihad will be played in front of an empty stadium due to coronavirus restrictions and rival fans will all make the same joke about how he should get used to that now he’s at City.
The first home game Messi plays for City in drizzly conditions that’s televised on Sky will have Martin Tyler saying something like: “Well, it’s safe to say that Lionel Messi’s REIGN in Manchester has well and truly begun…” because Manchester and rain LOL.
Manchester City will arrange for Shaun Goater to interview Lionel Messi for their in-house media channels and describe the resulting video as ‘When the GOAT met the GOAT’. Messi will look mildly confused throughout and assume Goater is a fan who’s won a competition to speak to him.
There will be a plethora of Manchester music based chants/songs that City fans will dedicate to their new superstar, including: Messi Paradise, Lyla/Lionel, You’re the One for Me Messi, Kinky Lionel and The Only One Leo and Blue Messi. Liam and Noel Gallagher will clamber to be the first pictured with the Argentine, Liam will win and Noel will claim he’s not arsed and meeting Maradona was better.
A section of Manchester United fans will be IRATE to see Messi and his family fraternising with Argentine/Spanish-speaking/South American players from Old Trafford, and question whether such off-field friendships could give City an unfair advantage when the greatest player who ever lived is taking on Fred in a Manchester derby.
West Ham will play Manchester City in a game televised on Sky and we’ll be confronted with a moody graphic of Messi and Mark Noble side-by-side and seriously contemplate what’s real anymore.
Someone will try to rob Messi’s Cheshire mansion only to be eaten by his massive dog.
