Mystic Meg has gotten in touch.
Meghan Markle has quit her job on Suits and for some reason this means that she is about to get engaged.
As with any major news event, the media tends to follow a very specific path for consumers. Each website will cater to its readers in their own special way.
Here’s 18 things I am very confident will happen.
1. Someone will write a revolutionary piece entitled ‘American Actress, Model and Humanitarian Accepts Unemployed British Boyfriend’s Proposal’ and it will go viral.
2. A former lover of both parties will wish the couple well, despite nobody being aware of their previous involvement and also there being no need for the blessing whatsoever.
3. A fashion designer will publicly make themselves available to make Meghan’s wedding dress, much to no one’s interest or suspicion that Meghan will take him / her up on the offer.
4. There will be a Panorama special aired which investigates whether ‘Meghan’ is a legitimate way to spell the name Megan.
5. Kate Middleton will be photographed with Meghan, sparking rumours that they too are dating and their involvements with the Princes are a massive coverup.
6. Prince Phillip will be asked what he thinks of Prince Harry’s engagement to Meghan and he will respond with ‘Yes I’m excited to have one of those in the family’.
7. A publication will unearth every single sex scene Meghan has filmed during her career, which they will describe as ‘steamy’ and ‘inappropriate actions for a Royal’, despite them taking place up to fifteen years ago.
8. It will be made very clear that Meghan has been married previously, so much so that Kay Burley will actually get their vows tattooed on her upper arm.
9. Every single photograph of Meghan wearing her engagement ring will be captioned ‘Markle Sparkles’.
10. Interns at online publications are going to break their wrists typing up ‘Who Is Meghan Markle’ articles, all of which will be lifted directly from Wikipedia.
11. A ‘source close to the couple’ will reveal that they are planning on having a small/big/underwater/Harry Potter themed wedding.
12. The photograph of Harry dressed as a Nazi will come back into circulation for no reason whatsoever, just to remind us that he has a poor gauge of banter.
13. The Queen will carry on as normal.
14. Geri Halliwell will have something important to say, despite nobody contacting her.
15. Meghan will go on Loose Women and the ladies will ask her what it’s like to have a Prince inside her. She will laugh it off, but then arrange for Coleen Nolan to be put down.
16. An online commenter will say ‘Who?’ underneath every article about the engagement and receive precisely four likes in support of their bravery.
17. Someone will find a member of Meghan Markle’s distant family with a criminal past and pay them a large amount of money to describe her as ‘a bitch’.
18. A satirical website will post an article entitled ‘BREAKING: Ginger Man Somehow Convinces Girl To Marry Him’ and it will go viral because we are a nation of morons.
Can’t wait!
