Week 5 – Shoe design
Our weekly instalment of The Apprentice took place last night, comfortably securing the title of the spookiest Halloween content of all – young business professionals.
The gang had to design a shoe, then market it and secure a hefty amount of sales to avoid being dragged back into the boardroom.
Sounds easy enough, right? Very little room for error. Just make a shoe, then sell it. No need for a delve into youth culture lusting after the elusive millennial approval, surely?
Well boy oh boy did an abundance of cringe ensue, as expected.
Here’s 9 moments that were deeply uncomfortable to watch. Relive them with caution.
1. Sabrina emerged from her slumber looking like a teen at a sleepover that’s eager to impress her peers
The morning montage on The Apprentice is one of the best parts of the show each week. We get to see the candidates in their natural habitat, sleepy-eyed and wearing all manner of bedwear. Their preening techniques come to light, revealing who wears a retainer and who, heaven forbid, sleeps with a nightlight on. Sabrina came up trumps during last night’s show, where we got to see her bedtime hairstyle, which is that of a teen attending a sleepover who’s doing her utmost not to crumble and ring her parents in a panic to collect her at 4am because she can’t fall asleep without her blankie.
2. Kayode described a wedge shoe as being “urban” and “hip hop”
Kayode, easily the most normal candidate on The Apprentice this year, lost all credibility as A Cool Dude during last night’s episode when he expressed a deeply flawed opinion of wedge shoes. Completely unprompted, Kayode announced “Personally for me, I think the wedge, as a heel, is urban and hip hop”, to which Jackie had to sensitively replied “A wedge, for me, is a casual shoe”. With that, Kayode has slipped down the rankings a considerable amount and will have a lot of groundwork to catch up on if he wants to remain The Best Of A Bad Bunch.
3. When trying to come up with a name for the shoe, Daniel legitimately suggested calling it after himself
Are this year’s candidates on The Apprentice the worst people in the world – An ongoing investigation reaches a moment of clarity. Sian’s team were trying to think of a name for their hideous shoe, a minor problem in the grand scheme of things, when Daniel legitimately said “Often shoes are named after their designer, so how about we call it Daniel Elahi?”, which rightfully fell on disapproving ears. Instead, they went with ‘Nu Switch’, an equally tragic name that sounds like a games console, but admittedly somewhat better than calling it Daniel bloody well Elahi.
4. Kayode became the urban correspondent and had to explain to Karren what “on fleek” meant
The team wanted a “hip” and “cool” name for their hideous shoe, so they turned to the hippest, coolest, baddest boy in town for advice, but he was busy, so Kayode stepped in. First, he explained what “pelt” meant, then turned his efforts towards “fleek”, suggesting that they call the shoes “fleekies”. Naturally, Karren required an explanation of the word, which Kayode happily obliged. In the end, they settled on calling the shoes “Out Out Fleekies” and now youth culture is officially cancelled. RIP.
5. Half of Jackie’s team dressed up as “cool” “urban” “teens” for their sales event
Ergo, Kayode dressed as big bird, Kurran as some kind of injured pimp and Jackie as a business professional whose statement dungarees are missing a button. Bizarrely, they thought that this insane attire would help them to make sales. Obviously, it had no impact on the situation whatsoever, only adding to potential clients’ suspicions of their ineptitude for business. Would you buy shoes from the three people pictured above? No. You would buy narcotics and maybe an unlocked iPhone 4.
6. Lord Sugar didn’t know what hip hop was
Last night’s episode should’ve been called ‘Let’s Find Out Who’s Cool And Who Is Not’ because that’s exactly what happened. Jackie’s team went for urban-inspired shoes, which alienated basically the entire workforce aside from Kayode. Once they hit the boardroom, Lord Sugar was full of questions such as “What is hip hop?” and “Isn’t that what Claude is on the NHS waiting list for?” (hip-op, actually a very clever joke). Nobody emerged from last night’s show looking cool. Not even Kayode, sadly.
7. Claude told Lord Sugar he was “on fleek”, proving that the apocalypse is nigh
The hip hop / urban lesson continued in the boardroom, with Kayode being subjected to explaining “on fleek” yet again. Lord Sugar remarked that it sounded like a disease, but Claude then reminded him that he had often referred to him as being “on fleek”. Honestly, it was like watching your elderly relatives trying to Skype their children on Christmas day, using an iPad or a similarly intuitive device that they cannot get their heads around. The world is ending. We are in the bad place. Save yourselves.
8. Kurran accidentally revealed that he makes a shite cup of tea
You can usually tell if someone makes a shite cup of tea within minutes of meeting them. With Kurran, it was tricky. He seems like a bit of a melt at first, but he’s well put together and definitely confident in his own abilities. You’d picture him having an herbal tea, served in a latte glass with some kind of cinnamon nonsense sprinkled onto it for additional but unnecessary flavour. But last night he revealed himself to be scum. Kurran has a milky, shitty, weak cup of tea. He doesn’t deserve to be on The Apprentice. He needs to go on Britain’s Grossest Creeps, if that show even exists.
9. Lord Sugar wasn’t happy with Jackie’s choice so he brought everyone back to the boardroom because he’s the fucken boss and don’t you forget it, sunshine
I said don’t you forget it, sonny Jim. Lord Sugar is the big boss man and you are merely a pawn in his sadistic little game. After Jackie chose Kurran and Kayode to bring back into the boardroom, Lord Sugar intervened. He dragged the trio straight back from the house, empty suitcases in tow and fearing for their lives. In a delightfully cruel twist, he then sent Jasmine back to the house for a second time simply because he could. In the end, Rick got the boot, reminding The Apprentice contestants that they are taking part in a pre-constructed game show and the outcome has already been decided long before the process had even begun. Sweet dreams.
Images via BBC
