Day 17.
The year is 2018. We have made huge technological advancements over the past 100 years that allow humans to do things that were unimaginable for previous generations. Our pockets hold powerful devices that can access all the information in the world at the touch of a button.
But for some reason, reality television is still a thing and people are still watching it.
Here’s some important things that occurred during last night’s Celebrity Big Brother.
1. Andrew pulled a mooney and left skid marks on the window
When Daniel was giving reasons for his nominations, he informed us that Andrew had performed a cheeky little mooney during the week which criminally didn’t make it to air. Luckily we were given a flashback clip which showed the mooney in perfect vision. His issue with the mooney was the fact that Andrew left some skidders on the window after the act took place. Credit where it’s due, that’s a very valid reason for nomination. We were denied any footage of these alleged skid marks, but I am choosing to believe that this information is true.
2. Rachel cooked bacon using a ladle
She needs to be evicted immediately because this kind of behaviour should not be tolerated in the Big Brother house. Rachel, who’s currently on cooking duties, was frying some bacon with A LADLE, or a very large spoon to you and I. This is an obscenity, an outrage and a potentially triggering act. I would sooner turn bacon with my bare hands than use the incorrect implement. That large spoon, respectfully, isn’t going to do shit. The bacon would’ve slid right off any time she tried to get a good grasp of it. The woman is a monster and needs immediate reprimanding.
3. Dapper Laughs rhymed Malika with chicken tikka
Daniel and Jonny were lying on the bed together in a very no homo way when they decided to make a song. The lyrics consisted of “Malika. I want to freak her. She’s hot like chicken tikka” and then Jonny chimed in with “Makes me wana go deeper”. So that’s the level of intellect we’re dealing with on this series of Celebrity Big Brother, just in case anyone was wondering. These celebrities may seem like they don’t have any talent, but as those lyrics prove, they’ve got a pretty solid future ahead of them that involves appearing on Sunday Brunch once and then hopefully never being heard from again.
4. One Direction’s new music video looks sick!
Liam, Louis, Niall and Harry are very clearly back together. Although older now, they still gel together like the dream team they were forced to forge when Zayn left. Nowadays, they appear to be spending their time making music videos in the Big Brother house sauna, flexing their boobs and making typical lad banter jokes such as ‘Is it ok if I fart lol?’. It’s been two years since they went on hiatus, but the above image seems to be a pretty clear indication that their return is imminent. Hurrah!
5. Andrew went to town on his hooter in the smoking area
Some of the housemates were having a smoke after this week’s potential evictees were revealed. Andrew saw the occasion as a prime opportunity to go digging for treasure. Midway through a conversation, he stuck what appears to be 1.5 fingers up his nose in a bid to collect some gunge. Everyone was very polite and ignored the fact that a 27-year-old man was picking his nose in plain sight, and were all very eager to watch where he would discard the substance. Big Brother’s cruel camera operator denied us the opportunity to see whether Andrew Brady is a snot eater, flicker or smusher. Chin up. Maybe tomorrow.
Images via Channel 5
