Blue, welcome to court. All Rise.
Gentlemen, you stand accused of performing criminally bad dance moves on ITV’s This Morning which aired yesterday, Wednesday 18th October, 2017.
In the below tweet, you will find the evidence gathered by a man widely regarded as a hero, twitter user Mick Convey.
Fucking hell, the ‘moves’ members of Blue get up to when it’s not their turn to sing. pic.twitter.com/re4zf1h2L8
— Mick (@nalaknip) October 18, 2017
As this is a first time offence from all parties involved, we have afforded them the right to a fair trial and a full legal counsel.
We will now go through the crimes committed by each member of the band before we decide their individual sentencing.
Lee Ryan
Lee Ryan stands accused of crimes against dancing. If you focus solely on Mr. Ryan in the above evidential GIF, you’ll see that initially, he really feels the music. It appears to hit his neck, then makes its way down through his hips and out through the knees. While we accept that everyone is powerless to the advances of the beat once it hits you, Mr. Ryan could’ve at least fought a little harder to resist what it was doing to his body. There were children watching.
What happens next is unacceptable for pre-watershed television. Lee Ryan, 34, points two fingers into the air and rotates in a bouncing manner. His surrounding bandmates were spared the distress of witnessing it as he had the good sense to take a small step backwards out of their eye line. The actions of Mr. Ryan were grossly unnecessary. The situation in which he found himself (i.e. not at a wedding at 3am) did not merit that kind of action. He has brought shame upon himself, his family and his fellow bandmates who we will get to in a moment. I hereby sentence Lee Ryan to six months of community service to commence immediately.
Duncan James
Duncan James, much like his fellow bandmates, stands accused of crimes against dancing. As evidenced in the footage above, Mr. James commences this outburst by pointing to his bandmate Mr. Webbe as he begins singing. What purpose does the pointing serve? Is it to remind Mr. Webbe that it is his turn to sing? Is it to inform the camera as to where it should be pointed? Or is it a diversion tactic from what came next?
Mr. James then plants his right leg firmly to the floor, supported by his right hand tapping on the thigh in time with the beat. His left arm is flailing inwards and outwards, whilst Mr. James’ left foot taps the floor in unison with his right hand. These are the actions of a deeply troubled man who needs to be punished. He is not a background singer on Glee, nor is he the only sober person in a nightclub doing their best not to stand out. This is This Morning with Phillip and Holly, a previously wholesome and safe space. I hereby sentence Duncan James to five months of community service with no lunch breaks to commence immediately.
Simon Webbe
Simon Webbe stands accused of crimes against coolness. You can clearly see above that Mr. Webbe is doing his utmost to maintain some form of cool in these testing circumstances. To his right, Mr. James is visibly occupied with singing, which seems to have spurred a sequence of hand movements from Webbe that are grossly misjudged and unnecessary, particularly the cutting, pointing and nudging.
Furthermore, Mr. Webbe proceeds to dance in an unacceptable manner by rubbing his hands together like a child about to tuck into their favourite dinner (lasagne and chips, obviously). He finishes this troubling dance sequence with an outward hand movement as if to shush the already silenced crowd. I am inclined to take pity on Mr. Webbe in this particular circumstance. He appears to have fallen victim to his surroundings and joined in with his fellow bandmates’ style of dancing. Were he alone during the performance, it’s likely we would be witnessing an entirely different display here today. I will be lenient on Mr. Webbe and sentence him to three weeks of dance classes with a concluding examination to verify whether he has learned his lesson.
Antony Costa
Antony Costa. Antony, Antony, Antony Costa. He stands accused of crimes against all manners in which your body should be permitted to move. If you isolate his movements in the GIF above, you’ll notice that they are the actions of a man who is truly struggling within. He finishes singing a line, then takes a step backwards in satisfaction and raises his right knee three times, followed by a shoulder shimmy. This is not a horror movie, this is daytime television.
The man himself is visibly shocked by his own actions as he struggles to regain composure once he’s completed the shoulder shimmy. It’s no coincidence that Mr. Ryan commenced his upward pointing spin just as Mr. Costa finished his movements. This is a band that is in turmoil. Their bodies are betraying them one by one and Mr. Costa appears to be the instigator of this downfall. His questionable dancing has created a domino effect across the band. He is solely to blame for this eyesore. Mr. Costa will serve life in prison until we can figure out a way for him to sufficiently repent his crimes against the dance community.
Court is adjourned. Next case: Mr Blobby faces trial for an ASBO.
Images via ITV
