Week 12 – The Final
We made it. Give yourself a reward for getting through. Twelve weeks of watching insufferable young business professionals came to a close last night as The Apprentice final aired.
As always, the final was a sufficiently juicy episode which saw a selection of former candidates returning to finally get revenge on their enemies all the while pretending to help.
But don’t be misguided. Just because it was the final, doesn’t mean there wasn’t an abundance of cringe. No way José. Standards were maintained across the board.
For the final time this year, here’s 8 deeply uncomfortable moments from The Apprentice.Â
1. Lord Sugar performed the worst coin toss in the world’s entire history of coin tosses
Fair enough he was standing on the roof of a very windy building at the time, but there’s still no plausible excuse for Lord Sugar’s frankly laughable attempt at a coin toss during last night’s final. He might be good at making money, but Lord Sugar exposed the one thing he cannot do with money and it appears to be flipping it up in the air. Instead, The Shugs opted for a limp little toss into the air, then a quick catch and a flip over to his hand. Did it flip a sufficient amount of times? For me, personally, no. But Camilla won whatever that coin toss attempt was.
2. To kill time waiting for the girls trying on their swimwear, Lord Farquaad Kurran stared at himself in the mirror
Damn, did…. Did we miss Kurran? Was The Apprentice slightly more boring without the addition of our precious ruler of Duloc? His arm seems to have healed up a treat, meaning he was on hand to help Sian with her swimwear business plan, except for the modelling side of things. Instead, he had to make do with staring at himself in a mirror while Sabrina and Jasmine tried on their clothes. What’s funniest about the above scene is that Kurran actually fixed his hair to make it look even more dishevelled and puffy, then turned away in complete satisfaction.
3. Camilla unknowingly named her nut milk after Martin Luther King
Since it became very cool (in 1999) to drop vowels out of words, Camilla wasted no time in getting rid of the ‘i’ in ‘milk’ for her nut milk’s brand name. She was left with ‘MLK IT’ as the product, which would be a very good name for sleeping tablets (because they help you to dream). But no, Camilla was just selling plain old nut milk which will forever be associated with the leader of the civil rights movement, Martin Luther King, Jr. Did he ever consume nut milk? Absolutely fucking not, I’d imagine.
4. Camilla’s sub-team legitimately used the tagline ‘Wipe your nuts’ because they wanted to sabotage everything
After Camilla told her sub-team of Kayode, Jackie and Tom that Lord Sugar had warned her of being too sexualised in her branding, the guys decided to go down the cheeky route. When that very clearly failed, they went with #WIPEYOURNUTSÂ as the tagline for a product that involves no wiping of nuts whatsoever, if consumed correctly. Every year the past candidates return to help out in the final, and every year it becomes more and more obvious that they’ve all returned to carry out some sweet, sweet revenge.
5. Sian’s brutal honesty was actually quite refreshing
Sabrina, Jasmine and Kurran made a gif advert for the swimwear that, as eloquently stated by Sian, looked absolutely shite. It was amateur, ugly, failed to show the entire swimsuit and seemed like a college advertising class project that was thrown together in the fifteen minutes before it was due. This was Sian’s last chance to win The Apprentice and she was being held back by a pack of morons. If she had any sense, she would’ve refused Lord Sugar’s offer of having previous contestants to help out, instead opting to do everything herself.
6. After directing a 30-second video for a task on The Apprentice, Kurran compared himself to Quentin Tarrantino and Martin Scorsese
Kurran somehow managed to turn things around for the final video, where he directed Sian, Sabrina and an actual model to showcase Sian’s swimwear range. Through the cameraman and editor probably using their instincts but allowing Kurran to think that he was helping, things came together and they actually made a fairly decent promo. Kurran then announced that the aforementioned directors will tell you “Forget what everyone else says, if you’ve got a vision, go and implement it, and that’s what I did”. Three of a kind, Scorsese, Tarantino and Farquaad.
7. Sabrina modelled Sian’s swimwear range OVER HER CLOTHES
Nice one Sabrina, that’s sure to attract potential customers. Simply position yourself beside a giant interactive advertisement (also featuring yourself) and model the swimwear over your regular clothes. Why not model a jacket over the swimwear as well, just to give the public the option of seeing it with another look. She’s a smart girl, Sabrina. It’s a crime she didn’t make it down to the final two with such blatant innovation skills as this.
8. Kurran proved that he still has both the personality and physical presence of a robot
As a candidate on The Apprentice, Kurran gave us a lot to work with this series and for that, we can never truly repay him. From his hugely inflated sense of self, to his mysterious arm injury, right down to the time he stood up from the boardroom waiting area couch in the exact manner of a robot, we’ve been spoiled. As was only right, he finished off his final appearance on The Apprentice with a typically robotic posture so that we could get one final hit of his utterly bizarre self. Thank you Kurran. The Apprentice 2018 would’ve been a shitshow without you. Godspeed.
Images via BBC
