Whoever said this was the winter version of Love Island is a liar.
There’s a new trashy reality TV series in town, so you can bet your butt this is going to consume every media platform for the next few weeks. Trust me, I’m as livid as you are.
Last night we were introduced to six guys and six girls that are hoping to prove that they are indeed the fittest and most superior beings that are willing to go on the telly.
As expected, there was an abundance of cringe to sit through during last night’s whopper 90-minute bonanza.
Here are the cringey highlights.
1. One of the guys proved that he has never experienced the phenomenon of champagne before
All credit to Callum, before he embarked on the taxing task of opening a bottle of champagne, he declared “I’m thick as shit”, which deserves a significant amount of respect. He then proceeded to accidentally take the cork off with the wrapper and then lashed the booze into a glass producing the situation pictured above. Get him out of South Africa immediately and replace him with Chris and Kem. This is not the winter Love Island, we have been lied to.
2. One guy bragged that he works for a “big online media company”
What a staggering revelation from the man with potentially the largest mouth in the world. James works for an online media company, but it is very big. Perhaps too big for you to even fathom. What is the name of this big online media company? Well it is simply too large for him to say, even with his large mouth. You will never find out where he works, but rest assured that this online media company is indeed very big. He is a big deal, you better believe that much. Sorry, I’ve said too much.
3. One guy said “Oi oi, get your whisk out boys” when he saw a whisk
Once it became clear that everyone had arrived to the villa, the boys headed straight to the kitchen for a quick look at the utensils provided, as one often does when they reach a new place of residence. One of the guys, I don’t know which one because they are all the same person, picked up a whisk and legitimately said “Oi oi, get your whisk out boys”, which to this very moment I still cannot get my head around. Did the other guys secretly also have whisks? Why did they need to get them out? Is it a euphemism? These men are neanderthals.
4. Callum, trying to flirt, told Dani that she seemed like a “dopey Essex girl”
That’s Danny Dyer’s daughter, you thick son of a bitch. He will do your proper nut in. Callum, a man who has previously confessed to being “thick as shit”, proved exactly that as he tried to flirt with Dani Dyer. They made small talk, then Callum went in for the big question and asked Dani if she was smart. Before she had a chance to answer, he informed her that she seemed like a “dopey Essex girl”, which surprisingly didn’t result in her mounting him and proposing on the spot. We need a live commentary of Danny Dyer watching this show live. I will pay any amount up to £12.50 to make it happen.
5. Nobody noticed the intruder behind the house, probably because they are all too fit
The boys were making their way to some metal rods so they could determine which one has the biggest desire to woo a lady, when I spotted an intruder in the background. He was sauntering behind the fence, which is quite a tall fence, so he is therefore an incredibly tall man. Is he a gardener? One of the production staff? A passerby? An intruder? A burglar? None of the contestants noticed him, but I hope he pops up at random intervals throughout the series. He could be the kiosk Keith of Survival Of The Fittest, all allegations of inappropriate behaviour aside.
6. One of the contestants is a sugar-loving monkey and I hope he/she wins
It’s a welcome inclusion to Survival of the Fittest, because not everyone is attracted to humans. Some people crave the love and affection of animals an it’s entirely normal. We don’t know much about this monkey in terms of its name, gender, age or sexual preference, but he/she deserves a chance at finding love, just like the rest of them. The monkey was caught stealing sugar from the kitchen, so all we know is that he/she likes sugar quite a bit. I wish him/her the best of luck throughout the process and will be lending all my support.
7. They had to eliminate one of the challenges because it broke Danny Dyer’s daughter’s shoulder
Look, if you’re going to have an assault course and someone’s going to get hurt, ideally you don’t want it to be Danny Dyer’s daughter. Dani hurt her shoulder on the slide and had to be taken to hospital. The producers made the precautionary decision to eliminate that part of the course to prevent further injuries, but also because Danny Dyer would probably do their collective nuts in over it. Poor Dani was in agony after suffering a pretty intense shoulder injury and it doesn’t seem like she’ll be returning to the show. Whoever rigged that set is in for a world of Dyer pain.
8. James wore these glasses and we now must regrettably come to the conclusion that he is a tosser
Deirdre Barlow has got precisely nothing on James Middleton as he cemented himself as the #1 style icon on Survival of the Fittest last night. He debuted a questionable pair of glasses that appear to be made exclusively from recycled materials. They didn’t stay on for long, presumably due to his fears of starting a worldwide trend of looking like the kid from Jerry Maguire. Anyone that was on the fence regarding their feelings towards James was pushed firmly into the ‘tosser’ bracket once they caught a glimpse of these bad boys. Long may the cringe continue.
Images via ITV
