Week 12 – The Final.
We did it. We made it! It’s been 12 long weeks of classic The Apprentice content and finally we saw our winners crowned.
As I’ve said time and time again, every day is a school day. Although last night’s episode was the finale, that doesn’t mean we were exempt from learning.
So, for the final time in 2017, here’s eight important things we learned from The Apprentice.
1. Sarah Lynn is the only woman alive that can put on mascara without leaving her gob wide open
During the usual morning montage of the candidates getting ready, Sarah was applying some mascara, presumably to use her eyelashes as a distraction technique to fend Lord Sugar off any reservations he may have about her, as all pesky women do. In a move that has proved beyond reasonable doubt that Sarah Lynn is a practicer of witchcraft, she applied the mascara with her mouth firmly shut. Nobody in the history of humanity has ever put on mascara and kept their mouth closed. It needs to be open to aid the process, which makes little to no scientific sense, but trust me, it feels right.
2. Regardless of the situation, Charles will always look like a local MP that’s campaigning to reduce the extortionate price of biscuits in the corner shop
Eight of the former candidates showed up to help James and Sarah in the final, presumably in an attempt to claw back some dignity that they all shed by the bucketful in the boardroom. Everyone looked great and genuinely as though they weren’t being forced to be there against their own free will. But Charles, as we’ve come to expect, stood out like the effervescent chap we’ve grown to know and love. It’s a combination of his pocket square and regal stance in this instance, but he will never not look like a local MP that’s downright furious at the fact that a packet of Hobnobs costs 75p in the corner shop.
3. A group of adults can and will laugh at the word ‘Tit’ when they see it written down
James’ team of helpers were brainstorming potential names for his business, which he has assumedly been preparing for months to get on the show but has somehow avoided naming it, when they stumbled upon a collusion of letters. If he was to call his IT business ‘ConnectIT’, the final three letters would spell ‘tit’. Admittedly, it’s an amusing tidbit (lol) that someone as hopelessly immature as myself would find side-splittingly funny, but these are supposed to be business professionals. Grow up.
4. Charles has a bright future in film ahead of him, should he so wish
As they were going through the big Barney bag of props on site for James’ advert, Charles, the local biscuit price fixing whistleblower MP, took it upon himself to test out all of the available props. After doing a pretty bang on impression of Jigsaw, he obviously settled on the giant lobster costume. What we’re dealing with here is a group of business professionals that are at the top of their game. Look at the above image. Really, look at it. It might not be pretty, but this is what peak performance looks like.
5. Graphic designers on The Apprentice are absolutely not paid enough money
Whatever these designers are being paid, double it. This poor guy was sandwiched between Anisa, Elizabeth and Charles, with Karren breathing down his neck like some sort of hostage situation. The typical amount of bickering we’ve come to expect ensued, with this guy serving us a classic Jim from The Office look to camera midway through. These people just want to do an honest day’s work. They don’t need to be roped into a televised heated exchange between morons. That piercing glare down the camera is a cry for help.
6. Claude is so sick of these morons, he’s now resorted to the Danny Dyer school of vocabulary
Claude’s so fed up he’s gone full Danny Dyer with his vocabulary #TheApprenticeFinal pic.twitter.com/7ZXdkUeOBd
— JOE.co.uk (@JOE_co_uk) December 17, 2017
Claude’s facial expressions have been nothing short of glorious throughout this series of The Apprentice. But last night, he reached the end of his tether. Michaela, Andrew and Siobhán were taking the piss with James’ visual ad design, so he went outside to vent his frustrations. We’re lucky. Most people will never get to witness Claude Littner saying that someone will be “Doing her nut” in their lifetime. Last night was a gift. We were blessed with a very unexpected outburst, but one that we are all sure to remember for many years to come.
7. Ricky Martin looks different
James got to meet with a recruitment firm owner named Ricky Martin. He won series eight of the show, not that anyone can remember back that far. But most importantly, his name is Ricky Martin and he is not THE Ricky Martin. In the business world, surely you’d adopt a different moniker so as to avoid disappointing potential clients that you’re emailing. If I got an email off Ricky Martin looking to organise a meeting, I would shit on the spot. Then this geezer turns up? It’s not fair. It’s not right. That is not Puerto Rican music maker Ricky Martin.
8. Sarah’s final pitch was direct and to the point
Everything was riding on James and Sarah’s final pitches last night and credit where it’s due, Sarah absolutely nailed the visual element. She bravely went for a very honest approach, letting the spectators know that she’s put up with this bullshit for 12 long weeks and is either going to win £250k or toss herself into the Thames for a riveting bout of frostbite, followed by a tetanus shot. In the end, everyone went home with £250k, so the entire episode and series was a massive waste of everyone’s time. Thanks for wasting 12 weeks of my life, Lord Sugar. You’re fired.
Images via BBC
